Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 11:16pm
Due to an overwhelming wave of reader requests (ahem...one request), I've decided to waive my fear of being lambasted by my fellow Canadians (and really anyone who's an Olympic supporter) to comment on the Olympic Fashion (or non fashion) happening in this glorious XXI'st Olympiad...
*puts on protective gear*
Now...down to business.
As always...I am here to critique style...and well...as it usually turns out, I critique pretty much everything else too.
On February 13th, I, like much of the rest of the world and those here in Vancouver who didn't spring for $1,500 tickets, settled down with a Heineken or three to watch the Opening Ceremonies...
Now...it might just be me and my gutter mind...but I saw a lot of phallic images on that world stage...and when I say a lot...I mean...A LOT. The torch was bad enough (shame on you, Bombardier, you dirty aviation birdies, you.)...
but 4 GIANT phalluses...riiiiiiiising from the floor of GM place in an ORGY of WELCOME.....*ahem*....what....you didn't see 4 GIANT penis'??? GRANDLY and IMPRESSIVELY rising out of the floor??? Suuuuuure you didn't. And if you really didn't...take another look...I bet that's all you see now.
A little bird told me that this Olympics was ALL about fashion...and why shouldn't it be? We're trying our damndest to make all of Vancouver look like Yaletown, so why not bring in some high fashion designers to help make sure that this transformation is complete!
http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Olympic+celebrities+sport+tasteful+costumes+Dsquared2/2552247/story.html
Now those of you who follow my posts know just how much DSquared2 make me want to vomit all over my Canadian content sweatgear...but are you SERIOUS? I've also realized that through watching TV interviews, that these 2 men are perhaps some of the most annoying people on the planet...if not the 2 most annoying...followed closely by Miley Cyrus, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Courtney Love.
But yes, darlings...DSquared designed the outfits for 18 of the key performers for the Opening Ceremonies. The ones I could find pictures of? Nelly Furtado, Brian Adams, KD Lang, the Olympic Flag bearers....aaaaaand that's it. Where the fuck did all of the photos go? Do you know how goddamn hard t is to find pictures of ANYTHING regarding the opening ceremonies??? Does VANOC really own everything??? Did they not allow pictures of the embarassing parts of the ceremony??? Is that why there are none?
I'm consumed by curiosity...but as we all know...curiosity killed the cat....I'm intrigued.
ANYWAY
We all rememeber what it all looked like...don't we? I know I do...
Anthem singer, Nikki Yanofsky was wearing a red dress which actually didn't look half bad...I'd love to show you a picture...but according to Google Images, it doesn't exist...I'll keep looking though. Although, I have to say...I HATE dresses with skinny belts on them. WTF is that trend doing coming back?
Nelly Furtado, your upper class call girl look has brought you to great heights...where you said you'd be all those years ago in a shitty highschool in Victoria where you were adament that you were better than everyone else...well...now you're good enough to lip synch your way through a retarded song that even Bryan Adams couldn't fake being excited about...and he's good at that shit. But regardless...WTF were you wearing Nelly? Did you opt to lip synch because you couldn't breathe?? This is a family show DSquared...I'm not sure how appropriate that dress was. The shoes however...AWESOME....but also unfortunate that even a high priced ankle strap couldn't make your legs look less like they belonged in the Cathedral Grove segment.
KD Lang has always worn suits...and she's always pitch perfect...ALWAYS. Her performance was amazing...and again, I question the appropriateness of the song choice, but I know it's not your choice KD...You just sing for the bastards. And do I have to say how happy I am that you performed barefoot? I didn't think so.
As I also can't seem to find an unsanctioned photo of these guys...it seems to be the tradition to dress the Olympic flag bearers in white...so for Vancouver, it's long coats and pants and boots on the Olympic flag bearers...how *yawn* original. They all looked like they were going to the country music awards. Any reason why all of the people carrying the flag had white hair? Grand design? Or is that all that Canada can scare up as star power? So many questions...so many questions.
Olympic uniforms have to be my favorite thing to critique...especially for those countries who didn't check the weather forecast before they left home.
There are two options here...
Bermuda--Underdressed:
Slovakia--Overdressed:
Worst change from last Olympics to this Olympics: Sweden
In Beijing...Sweden brought hot women and asian inspired designs.
This year, they're all applying to work at IKEA.
I wish I had a better picture...it's pretty funny.
Germany--Stuck in the NEON 80's!
Netherlands--Orange Sherbert used to be my favorite ice cream flavour...I'm thinking of changing back...look how cute they are! And the native inspired arm detail is actually pretty awesome.
Honorable mention for worst uniforms goes to......the Czech Republic!
WTF is happening with those pants???
USA-- dressed by Ralph Lauren, they will take over the world...one khaki sale and polo match at a time.
On another note, their snowboard outfits are kind of awesome and very "American". Burton-designed demin-look boarding pants. That's rad.
United Kingdom -- A nation of flight attendants and generally all around nice people with bad teeth, and old-man hats. They were smart enough to bring umbrellas as part of their national costume. Good form.
Canada-- Aren't you all so cute in your lumberjack printed scarves and red red red...everything.... *sigh* Why are we so predictable? Oh wait...I know...uniforms designed by Hudson's Bay....that's why. Ugh.
New Zealand -- I'm only mentioning you because you brought some good looking people...and you always dress in black...and I'm marrying a Kiwi...but that's it! Otherwise, your outfits are boring and small town ski-adventure-esque.
That's obvoiusly not all of the countries...but as you might notice from doing a simple web-search...it's kind of impossible to find pictures of the opening ceremonies that haven't been officially sanctioned by VANOC.
So I will leave you with a few images...one of some epic neckbeard
...one of the giant Spirit Bear that we all paid for and none of us understand...
and a shot of the viral mittens I despise for the simple fact that I can't flip VANOC the bird while wearing them.
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