This Week in High Fashion: MTV Movie Awards 2010

Oh MTV. You defined a generation back in the 80’s, you nursed us through the difficult transition between live music, concerts we couldn’t afford, Madonna’s banned videos, and bridged the reality TV gap, and then led the youth into an age where music videos are more mini-movie than actual video, and reality TV is more scripted than actual TV, which is more than a little terrifying. You showed us how to dress (or not depending on the video or show), how to act (or not), where to party on Spring Break (or not)…your reach was endless. Then, you decided you were cool enough to judge movies too…um. Ok. Sure.

So here we are in 2010, and we’re still letting these douchebags tell us what to wear, what movies to watch, who’s cool, and who’s not. Is this seriously what society has been reduced to? Target audience, the screaming velociraptors who make up the “tween plus” generation…we’re talking ages 12 to 16…they watch Gossip Girl, fantasize about marrying or at the very least being stalked by a vampire, idolize Paris Hilton, think Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are hilarious, and don’t remember when Brett Michaels was actually popular for real and not for fake. BTW, if you’re an adult and you fall into any of these categories…we’re not speaking anymore.

As MTV slowly takes over the world like a giant soul sucking jellyfish, the red carpets at the MTVMA’s are almost as popular as the Grammy’s…yeah, I said it.
The guest list at the MTVMA’s always surprise me…I always want to know who is on the security detail that lets in the cast of Jersey Shore like they’re supposed to be there.

*le sigh*

On to the Fashion!!
Katy Perry…is so cute I could just barf all over her.
But as much as I love her, I can’t forgive her for attempting to rip off the Gaga. I really can’t.
Here she is in Zuhair Murad, gross yellow nail polish that only my ex-roomate could love, and a blue wig that can probably be found at the stripper store on Granville.

Although, I have to admit she looks great with blue hair…like a muppet with overly moisturized breasts.

Kristen Stewart…seriously looks like she has the personality of a nail file. An article I found called this outfit “fun” and said that she was “rocking some wicked hair extensions”. The 1980’s were not fun, which is where those mismatched prints look like they’re borrowed from, and you’re giving Dolce and Gabbana a bad name…as for the hair extensions…”rocking” is not how I would describe what she’s doing to them.

Lindsay Lohan…WTF happened and why is “young Hollywood” caught in this spinning vortex of bad retro fashion??? I like how LoHo is rocking the “just rolled out of bed coked out hooker” look. She really does it justice. How in the name of all that is holy did someone decide that this is what she should wear to an awards show…oh yeah…note to self…Pamela Rolland makes clothes that are inappropriately supportive, ill-fitting, and…super important…FUCKING UGLY. Wow Lindsay…on the trainwreck back to winning your way back into the collective “heart” of entertainment…too bad you’re aiming for the crotch on the outskirts of Vegas. Ouch.

Christina Aguilera has always been about over-the-top, diva bullshit. Aaaaand nothing’s changed here, folks. Wearing Versace Atelier to an MTV function is like wearing black tie to a frat party. She wears it amazingly well…obviously…but you know she’s just there to make fun of everyone behind their backs, drink Perrier with a self-satisfied smirk on her face, and then go home with the captain of the basketball team that you’ve had your eye on all year. Bitch.

Dolce and Gabbana got a LOT of play on this year’s MTVMA red carpet…although whoever the fuck decided that Snooki from Jersey Shore would be allowed to wear something from their spring line should be SHOT. In the head. TWICE. Ever the style icon, Snooki ADMITTED to cutting the hem off her dress to make it shorter…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! It burns….the hatred…it burns.

Thank all of the gods for Scarlett Johansson. THIS is what Dolce & Gabbana is SUPPOSED to look like. NO HEM CUTTING ALLOWED. Are you listening SNOOKI!?

Paris Hilton…is a femmebot, I’ve decided. Someone needs to pop her head off and re-adjust her wires so she can’t say the words “hot”, “TTYN”, or “BFF” or “I need a new puppy” ever ever again.
On a fashion note, this dress isn’t horrible…and normally, Blumarine is pretty good about not putting crap on the runway. Although, Paris dressing like she thinks she’s an angel princess or whatever the hell she’s going for here…not so much. I’m of the mind (and I don’t think I’m alone here) that all things white that Paris comes into contact with should automatically stain themselves darker…it could be her super power or something.

Vanessa Hudgens…I know you’re dating Zac Efron, which automatically gives you a free pass in the teen world (or maybe an automatic death threat, I can’t be sure), but whoever said that this Jenny Packham dress you’re wearing is “sweet and innocent” hasn’t seen any photos from the last Midsummer’s Eve party at the Playboy Mansion. Add some Double D’s under that nightdress, and she’s ready to be Miss March. Just sayin’.

Nikki Reed…you were in Twilight…that doesn’t make you an actress. You’re also wearing MiuMiu…which is Prada’s cheaper little sister…the pattern and cut of this dress says to me: “Come on back to the 60’s, we have the Beatles”. As much as I disapprove of the Twilight “phenomenon” and everything rolled in with it…I approve of this dress.

Eva Mendes went to rehab, and all she got was this one-shouldered, ill-fitting, sparkly, heinous coloured, giraffe printed, sack dress from Stella McCartney. Pass the crown and coke….

Jessica Biel…her dress says, “I’m dating Justin Timberlake, and we’re so happy that I can wear whatever I want to awards shows and he’ll still love me.” Did you notice that he’s not in attendance? I sure did. Nice Giambattista Valli tea-frock BTW, my mother would approve of the long sleeves on the otherwise questionable morals going on with the rest of that dress. Another note, from the look on her face, I’d say that sheer polka dot top is itchy. That sucks.

Jwoww…yes, that’s actually what people call her…and by people, I mean douchebags. Wearing something from her own line of exotic dance wear…I mean…fashion…Filthy Couture is the perfect name for it. This line can also bee seen circling rooms on ceiling fans, draped over chairs, and being flung into the crowd while straddling a pole in a seedy dive club in Nanaimo and other points down the road to deep deep depression. Also available at Target.

Oh MTV…I’m so glad I don’t get your channel anymore.