This Week in High Fashion: I'm behind! Deal with it!

This Week in High Fashion: I'm behind! Deal with it!
Wed at 3:11pm

I've missed out on a LOT of fashion bashing opportunities lately!! So it's time to catch up!
American Music Awards!!!
The American Music Awards is an interesting entity… I’m sure I’m not alone in judging the US of A for being slightly overburdened with their own importance in that not only do they have awards shows for EVERYTHING and a World Series that ironically involves only American teams…but they do this with everything. So, to help celebrate the completely obvious awesomeness of American Music but separated from Country Music and the Grammy’s and Billboard, and something else I’m sure….
I've selected my favorites...
Let it begin!!!
Janet Jackson… Miss J if you’re nasty? Well Miss J… you look nasty.
But not in the way that you’re singing about… I’m talking like a pseudo hardcore Pocahontas flashback that got caught in a riveting machine… or a poorly equipped bedazzler. Darling, we all know how much money you make… stop doing this to yourself. Are you scared to perform in public while not wearing a full leather tunic and comfortable matching pants? And there is to be no football involved? You’re really making this difficult for us, Miss J.

Jennifer Lopez. I REFUSE to call you J-Lo because I think it’s stupid. And I think you’re even stupider for coining it YOURSELF. And people are shocked that you’re a diva, you mink eyelash wearing fraud! You’re a dancer with a nice booty. You can’t sing, your perfume smells funny, and you know what? MRS. ANTHONY. You look like a cheap Beyonce knockoff in that Thierry Mugler dress. Miss B rocks that shit. You look stumpy.

Rihanna. Oh good lord. You came to the awards show in this FANTASMIC Marchesa dress with gorgeously detailed and delicate floral cut outs… and then changed into The Mummy’s castoffs???? I understand the appeal of the bandaid dress… but while it was hot in the 5th Element… it is SOOOO not here. And to top it off… the shoulder pads had LIGHTS on them??? WTF!!!

Carrie Underwood-y. Not much left to the imagination here… it’s silk, it’s a pair of shorts that I’m sure Katy Perry wished she had though of. Cute, retro… I’m feeling a little ill because I’m going to say it…. Carrie Underwood looks…. *gulp* awesome. I feel dirty now.

Lady Gaga… you are frightening in your genius. I still don’t know who the hell designs your stage wardrobe… and I don’t know if I want to know. I know who styles them… and she frightens me almost as much as you do. So I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly you’re wearing… it’s a body stocking… I see that… and it’s a bandaid outfit… and it’s got ribs? Or bones? WTF is that made of? You look like a low budget Halloween costume kid… and WTF happened to your shoes? If you’ve abanonded McQueen for this crap, I don’t know if I love you anymore….

Fergie. *movie scream* And WTF is happing with Will.I.Am and the key-taur/pimp coat combo? And the hair??? *movie scream again*

Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson. I have a short sentence for each of you.
Nicole… dye your hair back to dark red again, you’re fading into the background woman!
Kate… WTF happened to your breasts????? I know you have some!!!! >.<
PS to my readers.... the occasionally used remark *movie scream* is not written as a positive comment! :)


This Week in High Fashion: Victoria’s Secret is finally boring.

This Week in High Fashion: Victoria’s Secret is finally boring.

Today at 1:37pm

Did I just say what I think I said? That I find VC boring??? OMG I totally did.

And unfortunately, it’s true.

I never thought that the day would come that I wouldn’t be drooling over the lingerie and “clothing” provided in store, by catalogue and online by the glamtabulous VS. But I am. I suppose there is a certain point that one reaches where a pair of underwear IS just a pair of underwear, and once you’ve seen one thong, you’ve seen em all? Have I hit that jaded bracket? I must have. But maybe it was the clothing itself… not just the fact that it’s undies.

Let’s examine shall we?

The Million $$ bra

To be precise here, it’s the 3 Million Dollar Bra. The bra itself, it pretty if a little bit boring by previous VS Million $ standards… the model is scary. She’s either had an unfortunate smelting accident, or that was a really bad ab surgery/tummy tuck job. Seriously. Woah.


This is MY idea of a million dollar bra...just sayin.

Sweet and overdone, who doesn’t love a plaid schoolgirl style underwear set.

So cute. Not quite sure how the clock themed wings/halo relate, but I’m not complaining…

it’s pretty cool.

I'm still not sure what this is all about... maybe something subtle like "every second that ticks by is taking you further away from looking like this". Eff you VS.


Now we get to the mess.

Victoria… WTF is this about?

60’s meets messy bedroom, meets my 80’s McDonald’s Happy Meal toy collection, and then they all mated and exploded on the runway??? I can hear Jim Henson spinning in his grave over the muppet you skinned to make that coat.

I can't even comment on these sanely.

After the mess… there is the PRETTY

Jewel tones, embellishments, you name it!!! I love this part of the collection… but I’m also a sucker for corsets.

I can't even think properly with all of the gorgeous going on here.

I am not, however, a sucker for Fergie. Ew.

*movie scream*

There are also a few pieces that I'm just going to toss in here as the supreme WTF of the day.I don't know what you're thinking here, VS, but I'm sure Flare's "Fashionista's" will love it.

Does everyone want to be Thierry Mugler this year? I think I missed that memo.

Ziggy Stardust was hot shit in the 80's. This is 2009. Get over yourselves.

Seriously... WTF is it made of jellybeans? Foam peanuts? I this the new patriotism? BTW the underwear is ugly.

Are they balloons? Is she going to make balloon animals next? How does the fuzzy hat tie in? Are those mittens I see? Is that how you "winterize" underwear?

All in all Victoria, what can I say to you? I’m curious who you’re dressing these days… that is one thing. I’m also amazed at your steadfast use of Heidi Klum… from like 1998 onwards you’ve used her in every show that she hasn’t been preggo for… good on ya. She’s holding up well for a “former” supermodel with a couple of kids… so why did you slap her in the green burlap sack for her trip down the catwalk? She totally deserves a pair of those epic wings. I think you owe it to her VS… I really do.


This Week in High Fashion: Something for the Fan Boys

This Week in High Fashion: Something for the Fan Boys

Today at 11:14am

I know that there is a plentiful lack of exciting fashion choices for you in the world of high fashion... sure the colours of the khaki's may change... but really, what do you have to look forward to with the changing of the seasons? Flare has no thigh high boots for you... unless you're going fishing, and then I'd suggest traipsing down to Army and Navy or something to get some hip waders instead.
But FEAR NOT! I have found the solution to your fashion woes... ESQUIRE would never let me down.
Although, I have to admit, these aren't your typical male fashion tips... such as "can I wear this plaid with this ball hat", or "Is a Canucks jersey office appropriate?" NO. There are SERIOUS questions, for the SERIOUSLY fashionable male. And trust me, there are quite a few of you who need some edumacating.
And so I give you... an exerpt from:
"ESQUIRE'S 25 Mysteries of Men's Style... solved in seconds.
"Now, I wouldn't say seconds... but it's a nice attempt.
25 is a LOT, so I give you a selection of my favorites.
#2 ~ "Do belts and shoes have to match?
""They need not match exactly — in fact, matching them too closely could look far too try-hard for some tastes — but they should reside in the same ballpark, e.g., chestnut and chocolate are usually close enough, but dark, reddish brown and light tan are not. Needless to say, black and brown should be kept apart, unless they're both so dark that only a lunatic could possibly notice.
"Trust me, you'll find a lunatic who notices... And ladies, if you are happening to read this to gain some tips to gently force into your mate's closet... this applies to you too... gone are the days when the shoes had to match the handbag... or the carpet to the drapes. You know what I'm sayin'.

I hate brown shoes. They remind me of door to door salesmen.

#3 ~ "I spill liquor a lot, what fabrics do you suggest I wear?""
You sound like a social liability. I recommend a neoprene scuba suit. And not dancing with a full glass of hooch in hand. Failing that, try machine-washable clothing (e.g., cotton) and robust weaves like denim, which will stand up to your systematic pattern of abuse."
I however, suggest a sippy cup and perhaps an examination of your conversation enhancing hand gestures. I wouldn't suggest denim for office parties though... it's slightly frowned upon. Frat parties and general get-togethers, sure... office... nooooo.
#4~ "When do you keep on or take off a hat?" "The rules governing the doffing of hats are as odd and anachronistic as the people who still insist on wearing them. We do have room, however, for one hard-and-fast rule: Hats should always be removed in public spaces, like the elevators in department stores. (As a sign of respect to the ladies, naturally.) Hat hair goes with the territory. If you suffer, get a shorter haircut or a bigger hat."
So a note to the douchefaces who never seem to part that baseball hat from their head...you're being RUDE. Take it off at the table, and take it off when you're in an elevator, and just take it off period... it's making you BALDER and isn't hiding anything.
#8 ~ "Can I wear boat shoes with socks?"
"Listen carefully and no one need get hurt. Step away from the Sperrys (which, by the way, should still be wintering in a bucket of frozen Northeastern seawater to add to their salty patina come spring) and buy some shoes that are actually meant to be worn with socks. Oh, and never put boat shoes and socks in the same sentence again -- the best-dressed sailors always go bare ankle.
"I'm sorry...WHY are you wearing boat shoes??? This isn't the Hampton's people... so don't take this to heart... it's here for the sheer amusement that someone would actually ask about it... let alone the fact that there is actually protocol attached.


#12~ "What good looking clothes can be worn to a construction site?"
"If you're concerned about your clothes looking too rugged for polite society, adopt the classic outdoorsy look of brands like Woolrich, Pendleton, Eddie Bauer, and L. L. Bean. Their gear has stood the test of time and, coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now. Choose a palette of earth and forest colors spiked with a plaid overjacket — from, say, Woolrich Woolen Mills."
"Coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now" Pardon me??? It IS???? I totally missed that parade. I have a few problems with this whole question...
a) Who the hell is asking this? If you're going to a construction site, you're not looking to impress anyone... if you're talking to clients, that's a different story... but looking like the rugged LL Bean/Eddie Bauer outdoors type when you step onto a job site is likely to get you shot at with an air nailer as anything.
b) When did construction workers care about polite society? The last site worker I saw was covered in plaster, steel toes to waist, gave a standard "Tradesman's blow" onto the sidewalk and proceeded to give me the most lecherous wink I've ever seen in my entire life.
I'm sorry, Esquire... that's one.
#15 ~ "What shade of blue trousers go best with light-brown shoes?"
"With lighter-brown shoes, any pants that fall in the broad deep-navy-to-mid-blue range should be fine, but avoid going too light: It can fast land you in ice-cream-salesman territory. Bear in mind, though, that the current trend is away from lighter brown and toward the dark side. Dark brown goes with everything.
"Not only am I blown away by the fact that people actually worry about this type of thing... but I'm also flabbergasted that there is a statute for this... a veritable RULE... and even a stigma for those who disobey!!! "Ice Cream-salesman" REALLY? Grab your straw boater and hit the road boys. Yikes. How about black... stick to black or something not blue? That just screams 70's at me for some reason...

See....70's salesman.

#16 ~ "I'm turning 40, how can I keep my pompadour?"
"The pompadour is clearly the source of all your powers and suggests you're not quite ready to embrace your age. Instead, try easing your way in the right direction by switching out edgier clothes for tidier versions of same, e.g., trade dirty ripped jeans for crisp indigo ones or a leather jacket for a wool blazer. Do it bit by bit and soon enough you may find your pompadour is ready to retire. If your hair hasn't already fallen out by then."

Oh my....you can let this go anytime.

Now I'm a little worried by the "not quite ready to embrace your age" bit... why does turning 40 immediately mean that you have to become a square and loose all of your inner hepcat? Don't do it... tone it down by all means with the clothing, but really... keep the hair. Just ask yourself... "What Would Brian Setzer Do?".

But really, don't let the hepcat out of your Rockabilly bag...you can dress like a square and still work it...honest.

#19 ~ "I'm a big guy...what kind of cardigan should I buy?"
"Go for a fine, plain knit in a merino or lamb's wool (rather than anything bulky like a rib or a cable). John Smedley, DKNY, and Jack Spade all offer something right, and though colors will suggest themselves naturally, you can't go wrong with gray, navy, or dark brown.
"Here, now again, my answer would be.... JUST DON'T. You should have learned from Mr Rogers waaaaaaaaay back in the day that cardigans are just not good for your social life. Nothing has changed.


Daily makeover has a STUPID question for you: "Can you pull off these 1980's Fashion Trends?"

Daily makeover has a STUPID question for you: "Can you pull off these 1980's Fashion Trends?"
Today at 1:19pm

Now I know what you're all thinking...why I am I fighitng this steamroller of a trend? What do I have against Karma Kameleon, spandex, and neon? Do I REALLY have to answer this??? According to Daily Makeover, I do.
It's on, bitches.
#1 ~ Bust out a Bow
"Not since Madonna's hayday circa Like A Virgin have we seen such show-stopping hair bows. Here are three looks spotted at New York Fashion Week Spring 2010 (from left to right): Milly by Michelle Smith, Betsey Johnson, and Marc by Marc Jacobs. Get Into The Groove with this trend in the real world by going for a more moderately-sized headband or hair clip embellished with a bow"
Straight from the ho-rses mouth, I freaking DARE you to tie one of these rags to your head and pretend you don't see people staring at you like you missed Halloween. Since WHEN did this become a good fashion idea??? Madonna was a trend setter in the 80's... and she knew it... she made a style out of NOTHING... and has she gone back to it? NOT ONCE. Why?
Because it was cool to look like a mis-matched got dressed in the dark freak in the 80's...but it's NOT cool now. If you want to take style tips from Betsey Johnson, be my freaking guest... that woman has been stuck in the 80's since 1976... and she works it and designs some fantastically fun clothing... but she's neither practical nor office appropriate... unless you're going to university where no one cares how you express your inner uniqueness, please please please don't even bother with this trend... I'm freaking begging you.
If you want to follow Daily Makeover and "must try" this trend... I don't need to remind you that by wearing a headband with a bow or a clip with a bow, that you may as well dress for your first communion and put a sucker in your mouth, cause baby, you may as well be 7.

DON'T try this at home. Runway is NOT reality.

Trend #2~ Rock the Neon
"The neon of the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades. The best way to pull off the trend and look hot instead of headache-inducing: Go for a neon nail polish or accessory with an otherwise subdued (preferably all black) ensemble."
For the love of all that is shiny and fashionable... Why the Hell would you do this to yourself...?
I like a little bit of neon every once in a while... wait a minute... no I don't. Neon is messed up. It's not a colour, it's not a shade... it's an insult... a grossly overused insult.
Neon matches NOTHING but itself... so yes Daily Makeover, you WILL have to wear ALL BLACK because otherwise people will think you escaped from the set of Ferris Beuller's Day Off or that Cirque Du Soleil is doing a street show...
If you HAVE to do this... Daily Makeover's examples are all PINK... which is sadly the safest of all the neons because it can be disguised as regular pink or hot pink. I'm on to your game DM... and you suck at it.
I dare someone... ANYONE... to rock some day-glo orange.

I say NO!

Trend #3~Frosted Lipstick and Blue Eyeshadow
"Yes, we swear you can wear blue eyeshadow! Just make sure it is sheer and shimmery, lest you look like an extra on the set of Pretty in Pink. Match up this retro trend with a nude lips, but go for a frosted mauve hue to make it look 80's authentic."
NO I swear you CAN'T wear blue eyeshadow!!!!
Do you know when you can wear blue eyeshadow? When you're dressing up on PURPOSE to make fun of the 80's, or if you're being SUPER dramatic and the blue is MAC's "electric eel" or something similar. Anything else... especially if it's FROSTY... is just heinous!!! RESIST the urge to dive into your mother's makeup bag!! I JUST got my mum to STOP using this crap, don't you DARE bring it back DM... I'll be soooo angry at you! Word to the wise, even if you DO decide to go with a "sheer and shimmery" blue... you will STILL look like a "Pretty in Pink" wannabe. Stop the madness, before the overteased bangs and acid washed jeans come back...please... only you can prevent the 80's regurgitation!!!

Not if you tied me down like Gulliver.

My only avenue of reprieve here...is that
a) they only found 3 trends worth vomiting onto the interwebs and
b) the majority of the article comments are NEGATIVE and promise to shun the return of the 80's.
You haven't won yet, Daily Makeover...

This Week in High Fashion: I'm probably going to make some VFW enemies...

This Week in High Fashion: I'm probably going to make some VFW enemies...

Yesterday at 2:55pm

This Week in High Fashion.... Makeup and Hair by Kat actually went to a fashion show...
That's right girls and boys, I ACTUALLY was present at a show that I'm going to rag about...
Hopped up on Advil Cold and Sinus and a few glasses of wine, my best guy on my arm, I attended something I thought I never would attend... Vancouver Fashion Week...
You may not know this about me, kids, but I have a little bit of a hate on for VFW. It's purely professional, and on behalf of a lot of friends and acquaintences... so we'll leave it at that. Solidarity.
What I do like about VFW is the support given to local, amazing designers who have something to prove and the guts to back it up.
Case and point... I shashayed my way to the front row of the "Sustainable Show" at VFW as a guest of one of my fave local lady entrepreneurs, Planet Claire... *muah!*
This is where I'm going to get in trouble...
From what I've seen... sustainable designers get a lot of press in Vancouver because it's trendy to be eco... and it can't be denied...
I've seen a lot of crap designing get where it shouldn't be because they decide to use soy cotton or bamboo or something similar... just because you used bamboo, doesn't mean the clothing isn't ugly or doesn't fit like a rag.
Luckily, there wasn't a lot of that on the runway on Friday night, but there were defintely some trainwrecks in the audience... I'm talking to you, you bitches who stole my seat! Not to mention the "house photographer" with his smelly self and long gross fingernails in my personal space during the show... I don't care who you are, stop standing on my new coat!
OK, so I have to say I was really impressed with the show on Friday night... the show being the stuff on the runway... the clothing mostly... the venue was MOST impressive, but like most people, I was pretty turned off by the area of town we had to sneak through to get there, and the generous appropriation of porta-potties for honoured VIP guests... Personally, I never would have approached a carpet manufacturer for a runway venue, but is this where VFW has been chased to in their operating years? To the far reaches of Gastown industrial parks with you!!! Now, I do see the nitty gritty value of hosting the show in the industrial park, I really do, this is Vancouver's seedy greasy gritty manufactured heart, but I don't know that everyone got that little nuance.
Having been backstage at several fashion shows, and helping organize some of my own, I know the importance of a good MC to keep the crowd, organized, updated, and sitting in their damn seats to be told who is about to come on stage... VFW doesn't feel that way about fashion... they had a soft spoken young woman politely asking people over a loudspeaker to shuffle around so that VIP's could be re-arranged between each show... which is also stupid.
a) no one can hear you!
b) no one wants to move from their prime seat! I know I was miffed.I won't even get started on the poor quality sound/music for the fashion walks. GAH.
Fashion walks!!
Featured Designers:
Nate Organics
I heart Nate Organics. Unpretentious and totally functional.
Bamboo, soy, organic cotton, and a really hot tattoed guy in bamboo boxer briefs...
Lots of casual wear, which is nice.... not everyone has the budget to go eco on a high scale level, but being able to pick up a t-shirt or a bamboo dress is a fantastic thing...
I can't say anything bad about Nate Organics... his models were sweet and very cute, right down to the awkwardly stomping farm boy looking Olympic Athelete who stole a mic to talk about his rowing team being carbon neutral for the Beijing Games... you're a rowing team, sparky, I would hope you'd be carbon neutral, last time I checked you didn't get an Evenrude on competition day...
Nate Organics doesn't try too hard to be a design house, he does what comes naturally, which is very appropriate... and very accessable, which is so important in a market that is supposed to be about making the planet a better place.

Hawks Ave.
Another designer I totally love... I deeply adore the bad-assery of Hawks Ave...
Yes, everything looks like it's made of jersey fabric... but she WORKS it. It's rock 'n roll, it's dirty, and it's a little bit trashy... yes I said trashy. Gorgeously fitted tops with tiny tiny shorts and chucks, but as an artist, I was sorely unimpressed by the half-assed cut off denim half vests with "Hawks Ave" written on the back with a sloppy hand in Jiffy Marker!...
I love the native inspired prints, I love the reversible halter top cuts, I LOVE the cowl/hoodie dresses... I have never been a fan of leggings, half shirts or booty shorts... ever...
So I was 50-50 on Hawks Ave on Friday... half love, half complete shock that a model would slouch her way down the runway feigning attitude that was paired with dead runway eyes... not buying it... but I will buy the dress she was wearing, as long as it doesn't come with the mirrored desert cop shades and the cuts and bruises on the model's legs from her bender the night before. Yikes.

Lav and Kush
I don't want to say that I was bored during this show... but I was.
I was also astounded that some of the pieces could look SO FREAKING GOOD from the front, and then so shamefully horrible from the back...
Lav and Kush is one of those design houses who IS trying to be a design house, which is great... organic wool, high quality cotton, stupidly expensive shapeless slip dresses... yeah... not my thing.
I LOVED a few suit pieces from the font, and then was amazed that a female designer would create such an unflattering backside on a skirt... pencil skirts are supposed to hug curves and enhance the shape... ruching makes things look BIGGER... ruching has NO PLACE on the centre-ass of a skirt. This is not a bustle mind you... a bustle is flattering... this arrangement was not... and it was on EVERY skirt... Not hot. Great pattern, great look... not hot on the ass.
Super shame.
Also, I was upset about the fit on the models... I don't know if it made the clothes look more awkward or whether it was on purpose (I hope not)... I know it's hard to fit a flat model ass, but there was a lot missing in that department too.

Business in the front movie scream in the back.

Red Jade
Somewhere during the night, I heard over the loudspeaker that Red Jade's designer had been called "the Versace of Vancouver". I hope they weren't serious about that... I am curious as to how this is possible though.... Cut? No. Styling? No. Construction? No. Themes? Not that I could see. Price? AH! That may be it!
What did I see on the runway? Boring batwings, lots of white, inapropriate and dated mid-calf high waisted pedal pusher pants, mod 60's cuts... some shapeless dresses... some spectacular coats though... ooooh my the coats.
LOTS of Empire waisted dresses and tops too... which on models with no shape to speak of... is highly off-putting. I like to be able to imagine how the clothing on the runway would look on my ass, and it was just NOT happening for me at Red Jade.
BUT all negativity aside, I was astounded that I liked more Red Jade designs than any other runway walk, and they seemed to have a greater variety of styles and fabric pairings, although I'm sure my pocketbook won't be able to handle my Eco-conscious burden at this time.
I'd love to put some pictures up, but there don't seem to BE any... their website features none of the clothing from the show, and show pictures themselves are highly lacking, as are pictures from all of the other Eco deigners.
So, you'll have to take my word for it... from the second row closest to the runway with a photographer in my ear and another one in front of me blocking most of my view. Special thanks to the stage manager for sending them all scurrying back to the Media Pit at the end of the runway where they belong ; )
All in all, I did have a good time... I love critiquing fashion, it's seriously fun. And really, I was intrigued to see who was actually coming out to these events... no one I recognized, but several people who obvoiusly felt that I should have recognized them... pppffttt. If that's how the "other half" lives... I'm very happy to be somewhere in the middle ground, I'm not ready for my niche/grave yet.

This Week in High Fashion~ What you see is what they're selling...

This Week in High Fashion~ What you see is what they're selling...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 3:18pm

This is an excellent article that I'm re-posting...
The growing versatility of the photo shop/lightroom tools are fast becoming a huge thorn in my side. As a makeup artist, I've been personally insulted by photographers who "prefer to work with a bare faced model and add makeup and enhancements with photoshop". I was totally floored by this statement. Photoshop is great, don’t get me wrong, I know that makeup can’t fix every flaw, and if you’re unfortunately shaped, even photoshop can’t give you an asset that you’re lacking. But seriously… I can see it all now, in a few short years there won’t even be a need for actual models for magazines…the images that “normal” women will break their banks and hearts to emulate will have been created in a dark basement by a computer geek who’s never even seen a real woman up close and personal… I’m not the most computer savvy girl, and I can appreciate the work that goes into photoshop (although if you’ve seen those Ralph Lauren ads, it’s some pretty half-assed pbotoshop… your body should NOT look like a funhouse mirror victim)… but the question is, why is it necessary? Whatever happened to “what you see is what you get”? It’s been seamlessly replaced with “what you see is what they’re selling”… and ladies, they’re selling you bullshit.

This is a window display for Ralph Lauren in Australia... ladies, do you know ANYONE who looks like this who isn't hospitalized? This is NOT a normal body. Incidentally, the model featured in this fantabulously crappy ad was fired for "not adhering to her contract", I wonder if the actual reason was that she didn't really look like this poster in real life... tsk tsk model... false advertising yourself like that. But really... Kiss my ass RL

This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 1:41pm

Now I may just be bitter... but break-ups will do that to a girl.
I should really just stop this destructive behaviour... you know what I'm talking about... checking up on an ex to make sure that they're unhappy without you, that they still look the same, that you really dont' find them attractive anymore, that you really ARE better off without their unambitious ass, and that their new girl or guy is super heinously ugly or not at all as hot as you or has a lazy eye or something... well thankfully for me, I feel vindicated. Flare not only has lazy taste in runway trends, they also have really REALLY bad fashion advice for you.
Ladies, I know that as hard as I resist, the late 80's/early 90's are coming back...I know this. But you don't have to let it happen to you...friends don't let friends do this to themselves.

Don't deny it, this is what this trend reminds you of!!!

Case and point... over the knee boots...
Maybe I'm just a prude, but there is nothing about these boots that says to me "Now these boots belong to a classy lady".
It's just not the first thing that pops into my head...
But let's see what Flare has to say...
"The thigh-high boot, a footwear fixture on nearly every major fall runway, is undoubtedly the must-have accessory of the season. While there were some fabulously OTT pairs at Alexander McQueen and Louis Vuitton, scores of highly wearable pairs also stormed the catwalk. As always, finding the best fit, proportion, and look for your own personality and lifestyle is key to pulling it off."
I have an issue right away Flare... why is this a must have acessory? Are we expecting heavy snow? And if we are, is it going to be over the knee height anywhere but in the far reaches of Labrador and Newfoundland? And really, if it is, are the women who this is definitely a "must have" for going to be out stomping the sidewalk/catwalks in spindly heels to justify your claim??? I think not. But perhaps I'm taking you too literally Flare... like the time you said you'd try to cook dinner more often... and then you DIDN'T.
I also have an issue with your overused abbreviation of Over the Top. OTT is unecessary. Just stop embarassing yourself. OMFG her LWD was SO OTT I could hardly stand it... TTYN! *BARF*
Style Tip #1~ Maxi Meets Mini"
A great way to approach the thigh-high boot is to use it as a stand-in for opaque hosiery or leggings when sporting a short hemline.
"How about you just don't... how about you just wear tights so you don't get embarassed when you get to someone's house who is super uptight about their carpets and you have to take off your stand-in hoisery? Then what...? Unshaven winterized legs exposed for ALL to see. How embarassing Flare... this also reminds me in a highly obnoxious way of the current fugly trend of wearing tights and long baggy sweaters to cover the junk in your trunk... Just stop it. For the love of all that is holy and good. Stop it. You're not going to yoga, you've never been to yoga. Just. Stop.

It's winter... how about wearing some clothes??

Style Tip#2 ~ Winterize your Wardrobe
"Since they have more material than the average boot, the thigh-high is a true investment piece. However, it has major pay-off power by allowing you to transition out-of-season pieces into your fall wardrobe."
Styling tip: Zippers running up the back are great for easy on and off."
Wow... I guess the next thing I have to invest in is a pair of those pants that zip up all the way around. Practicality is key here.
Now when Flare says that you can transition out of season pieces into your wardrobe using the thigh high boot as a variable modifier... what they're really saying is that you DON'T have to let go of those super short shorts just because the sun has gone away... oh NO, Flare says you can do it right into November! I can't roll my eyes far enough back in my head... just because you saw it on the runway, doesn't mean you should do it in real life. Runway is not real life. You can try to make it real life Flare... but it looks silly. Case and point below... And again, how to combat the inevitability of going to someone's house and removing the fabulous boots... without the boots you suddenly become HORRENDOUSLY out of season!!!
*movie scream*

Shorts belong in summer...not fall...and no, thigh high boots do NOT make it ok.

Style Tip #3 ~Streetstyle vs Streetwalker
"In no way should this trend be a tribute to Pretty Woman. You want to look sophisticated and polished which means wearing beautifully tailored pieces and skipping add-ons like garter belts. "Wait a minute Flare... let me get this straight... it's NOT a tribute to Pretty Woman? I AM amused by this declaration. Because believe it or not, luxe fabrics like you're talking about... only make matters worse... Purple Crushed velvet is skanky, whether it's got a Hermes label on it or not.
You're not winning this one Flare... and no, you can't have the Corning Ware casserole dish back.

I don't know what I'm more offended by... the purple boots, the fabric of the said boots, the styling of the runway show itself or those horrendous lips and ratty hair.

Flare also SPECIFICALLY warns against adding garter belts...
But what if the boots come with them? WHAT THEN, FLARE?

I see builtin in garter belts!!!!

Style Tip #4 ~Thick vs Thin
Now I'm not sure how best to comment on this...
"If your legs tend to be fuller than you prefer, try a thin and closely fitted black leather boot like the one at Gucci. Top it with a long tunic or structured coat in a matching tone for streamlined effect. Thicker suedes and shearling linings will only add volume to your silhouette.
"Generally, I've found that if your legs tend to be fuller (read here "have some shape or muscle definition") that it's almost impossible to buy boots that even come close to reaching my knee, let alone my mid thigh... What I'm reading into this, and please, correct me if I'm wrong... but is Flare calling me fat? If I have the $$ to buy Gucci's boots and squeeze my "fuller" legs into them, I'm not going to cover them up with a long coat... I'm going to show those bitches off with a maxed out mini dress!!!! You're just JEALOUS, Flare!

Oh Gucci. I hate and love you.

And I'm sorry, I generally really really love Rodarte and everything they do... but WTF is up with these boots. It's like a bondage experiment gone horribly wrong... bondage leather can be hot or awkward... this is heinously awkward... nice try, but for $700+ for footwear, you can do better than that. And elephant grey isn't flattering on anyone but Dumbo.

Rodarte usually has good taste. Usually being the operative word here. These just look stupid.

Flare, I'm so not done with you.
Some examples that Flare forgot... and I can't help but add in because I'm a vindictive little bitch...
This is NOT a new fashion trend...
This is so very old it's not even funny.
Boots in this style were the fashion RAGE in Louis XIII's France... Musketeers, Cyrano deBergerac... the giant tops of a cavalier's boots were often filled with love letters, flowers, ribbons from their many lady loves... a pistol or two, a knife, some extra snuff... it was like the murse of the Renaissance era. In a military age, the style was spilling into civilian dress in a huge way presenting a problem for regular French citizens who didn't know who was military and who wasn't...

French Cavalier boots!

Ooo La la!
Oh for the days when men wore higher heels than the women.