This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 1:41pm

Now I may just be bitter... but break-ups will do that to a girl.
I should really just stop this destructive behaviour... you know what I'm talking about... checking up on an ex to make sure that they're unhappy without you, that they still look the same, that you really dont' find them attractive anymore, that you really ARE better off without their unambitious ass, and that their new girl or guy is super heinously ugly or not at all as hot as you or has a lazy eye or something... well thankfully for me, I feel vindicated. Flare not only has lazy taste in runway trends, they also have really REALLY bad fashion advice for you.
Ladies, I know that as hard as I resist, the late 80's/early 90's are coming back...I know this. But you don't have to let it happen to you...friends don't let friends do this to themselves.

Don't deny it, this is what this trend reminds you of!!!

Case and point... over the knee boots...
Maybe I'm just a prude, but there is nothing about these boots that says to me "Now these boots belong to a classy lady".
It's just not the first thing that pops into my head...
But let's see what Flare has to say...
"The thigh-high boot, a footwear fixture on nearly every major fall runway, is undoubtedly the must-have accessory of the season. While there were some fabulously OTT pairs at Alexander McQueen and Louis Vuitton, scores of highly wearable pairs also stormed the catwalk. As always, finding the best fit, proportion, and look for your own personality and lifestyle is key to pulling it off."
I have an issue right away Flare... why is this a must have acessory? Are we expecting heavy snow? And if we are, is it going to be over the knee height anywhere but in the far reaches of Labrador and Newfoundland? And really, if it is, are the women who this is definitely a "must have" for going to be out stomping the sidewalk/catwalks in spindly heels to justify your claim??? I think not. But perhaps I'm taking you too literally Flare... like the time you said you'd try to cook dinner more often... and then you DIDN'T.
I also have an issue with your overused abbreviation of Over the Top. OTT is unecessary. Just stop embarassing yourself. OMFG her LWD was SO OTT I could hardly stand it... TTYN! *BARF*
Style Tip #1~ Maxi Meets Mini"
A great way to approach the thigh-high boot is to use it as a stand-in for opaque hosiery or leggings when sporting a short hemline.
"How about you just don't... how about you just wear tights so you don't get embarassed when you get to someone's house who is super uptight about their carpets and you have to take off your stand-in hoisery? Then what...? Unshaven winterized legs exposed for ALL to see. How embarassing Flare... this also reminds me in a highly obnoxious way of the current fugly trend of wearing tights and long baggy sweaters to cover the junk in your trunk... Just stop it. For the love of all that is holy and good. Stop it. You're not going to yoga, you've never been to yoga. Just. Stop.

It's winter... how about wearing some clothes??

Style Tip#2 ~ Winterize your Wardrobe
"Since they have more material than the average boot, the thigh-high is a true investment piece. However, it has major pay-off power by allowing you to transition out-of-season pieces into your fall wardrobe."
Styling tip: Zippers running up the back are great for easy on and off."
Wow... I guess the next thing I have to invest in is a pair of those pants that zip up all the way around. Practicality is key here.
Now when Flare says that you can transition out of season pieces into your wardrobe using the thigh high boot as a variable modifier... what they're really saying is that you DON'T have to let go of those super short shorts just because the sun has gone away... oh NO, Flare says you can do it right into November! I can't roll my eyes far enough back in my head... just because you saw it on the runway, doesn't mean you should do it in real life. Runway is not real life. You can try to make it real life Flare... but it looks silly. Case and point below... And again, how to combat the inevitability of going to someone's house and removing the fabulous boots... without the boots you suddenly become HORRENDOUSLY out of season!!!
*movie scream*

Shorts belong in summer...not fall...and no, thigh high boots do NOT make it ok.

Style Tip #3 ~Streetstyle vs Streetwalker
"In no way should this trend be a tribute to Pretty Woman. You want to look sophisticated and polished which means wearing beautifully tailored pieces and skipping add-ons like garter belts. "Wait a minute Flare... let me get this straight... it's NOT a tribute to Pretty Woman? I AM amused by this declaration. Because believe it or not, luxe fabrics like you're talking about... only make matters worse... Purple Crushed velvet is skanky, whether it's got a Hermes label on it or not.
You're not winning this one Flare... and no, you can't have the Corning Ware casserole dish back.

I don't know what I'm more offended by... the purple boots, the fabric of the said boots, the styling of the runway show itself or those horrendous lips and ratty hair.

Flare also SPECIFICALLY warns against adding garter belts...
But what if the boots come with them? WHAT THEN, FLARE?

I see builtin in garter belts!!!!

Style Tip #4 ~Thick vs Thin
Now I'm not sure how best to comment on this...
"If your legs tend to be fuller than you prefer, try a thin and closely fitted black leather boot like the one at Gucci. Top it with a long tunic or structured coat in a matching tone for streamlined effect. Thicker suedes and shearling linings will only add volume to your silhouette.
"Generally, I've found that if your legs tend to be fuller (read here "have some shape or muscle definition") that it's almost impossible to buy boots that even come close to reaching my knee, let alone my mid thigh... What I'm reading into this, and please, correct me if I'm wrong... but is Flare calling me fat? If I have the $$ to buy Gucci's boots and squeeze my "fuller" legs into them, I'm not going to cover them up with a long coat... I'm going to show those bitches off with a maxed out mini dress!!!! You're just JEALOUS, Flare!

Oh Gucci. I hate and love you.

And I'm sorry, I generally really really love Rodarte and everything they do... but WTF is up with these boots. It's like a bondage experiment gone horribly wrong... bondage leather can be hot or awkward... this is heinously awkward... nice try, but for $700+ for footwear, you can do better than that. And elephant grey isn't flattering on anyone but Dumbo.

Rodarte usually has good taste. Usually being the operative word here. These just look stupid.

Flare, I'm so not done with you.
Some examples that Flare forgot... and I can't help but add in because I'm a vindictive little bitch...
This is NOT a new fashion trend...
This is so very old it's not even funny.
Boots in this style were the fashion RAGE in Louis XIII's France... Musketeers, Cyrano deBergerac... the giant tops of a cavalier's boots were often filled with love letters, flowers, ribbons from their many lady loves... a pistol or two, a knife, some extra snuff... it was like the murse of the Renaissance era. In a military age, the style was spilling into civilian dress in a huge way presenting a problem for regular French citizens who didn't know who was military and who wasn't...

French Cavalier boots!

Ooo La la!
Oh for the days when men wore higher heels than the women.

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