This Week in High Fashion: Something for the Fan Boys
Today at 11:14am
Today at 11:14am
GENTLEMEN!
I know that there is a plentiful lack of exciting fashion choices for you in the world of high fashion... sure the colours of the khaki's may change... but really, what do you have to look forward to with the changing of the seasons? Flare has no thigh high boots for you... unless you're going fishing, and then I'd suggest traipsing down to Army and Navy or something to get some hip waders instead.
But FEAR NOT! I have found the solution to your fashion woes... ESQUIRE would never let me down.
Although, I have to admit, these aren't your typical male fashion tips... such as "can I wear this plaid with this ball hat", or "Is a Canucks jersey office appropriate?" NO. There are SERIOUS questions, for the SERIOUSLY fashionable male. And trust me, there are quite a few of you who need some edumacating.
And so I give you... an exerpt from:
"ESQUIRE'S 25 Mysteries of Men's Style... solved in seconds.
"Now, I wouldn't say seconds... but it's a nice attempt.
25 is a LOT, so I give you a selection of my favorites.
#2 ~ "Do belts and shoes have to match?
""They need not match exactly — in fact, matching them too closely could look far too try-hard for some tastes — but they should reside in the same ballpark, e.g., chestnut and chocolate are usually close enough, but dark, reddish brown and light tan are not. Needless to say, black and brown should be kept apart, unless they're both so dark that only a lunatic could possibly notice.
"Trust me, you'll find a lunatic who notices... And ladies, if you are happening to read this to gain some tips to gently force into your mate's closet... this applies to you too... gone are the days when the shoes had to match the handbag... or the carpet to the drapes. You know what I'm sayin'.
I hate brown shoes. They remind me of door to door salesmen.
I hate brown shoes. They remind me of door to door salesmen.
#3 ~ "I spill liquor a lot, what fabrics do you suggest I wear?""
You sound like a social liability. I recommend a neoprene scuba suit. And not dancing with a full glass of hooch in hand. Failing that, try machine-washable clothing (e.g., cotton) and robust weaves like denim, which will stand up to your systematic pattern of abuse."
I however, suggest a sippy cup and perhaps an examination of your conversation enhancing hand gestures. I wouldn't suggest denim for office parties though... it's slightly frowned upon. Frat parties and general get-togethers, sure... office... nooooo.
#4~ "When do you keep on or take off a hat?" "The rules governing the doffing of hats are as odd and anachronistic as the people who still insist on wearing them. We do have room, however, for one hard-and-fast rule: Hats should always be removed in public spaces, like the elevators in department stores. (As a sign of respect to the ladies, naturally.) Hat hair goes with the territory. If you suffer, get a shorter haircut or a bigger hat."
So a note to the douchefaces who never seem to part that baseball hat from their head...you're being RUDE. Take it off at the table, and take it off when you're in an elevator, and just take it off period... it's making you BALDER and isn't hiding anything.
#8 ~ "Can I wear boat shoes with socks?"
"Listen carefully and no one need get hurt. Step away from the Sperrys (which, by the way, should still be wintering in a bucket of frozen Northeastern seawater to add to their salty patina come spring) and buy some shoes that are actually meant to be worn with socks. Oh, and never put boat shoes and socks in the same sentence again -- the best-dressed sailors always go bare ankle.
"I'm sorry...WHY are you wearing boat shoes??? This isn't the Hampton's people... so don't take this to heart... it's here for the sheer amusement that someone would actually ask about it... let alone the fact that there is actually protocol attached.
AAAUUUGGGHHH!
AAAUUUGGGHHH!
#12~ "What good looking clothes can be worn to a construction site?"
"If you're concerned about your clothes looking too rugged for polite society, adopt the classic outdoorsy look of brands like Woolrich, Pendleton, Eddie Bauer, and L. L. Bean. Their gear has stood the test of time and, coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now. Choose a palette of earth and forest colors spiked with a plaid overjacket — from, say, Woolrich Woolen Mills."
"Coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now" Pardon me??? It IS???? I totally missed that parade. I have a few problems with this whole question...
a) Who the hell is asking this? If you're going to a construction site, you're not looking to impress anyone... if you're talking to clients, that's a different story... but looking like the rugged LL Bean/Eddie Bauer outdoors type when you step onto a job site is likely to get you shot at with an air nailer as anything.
b) When did construction workers care about polite society? The last site worker I saw was covered in plaster, steel toes to waist, gave a standard "Tradesman's blow" onto the sidewalk and proceeded to give me the most lecherous wink I've ever seen in my entire life.
POLITE SOCIETY DOESN'T EXIST FOR THEM.
I'm sorry, Esquire... that's one.
#15 ~ "What shade of blue trousers go best with light-brown shoes?"
"With lighter-brown shoes, any pants that fall in the broad deep-navy-to-mid-blue range should be fine, but avoid going too light: It can fast land you in ice-cream-salesman territory. Bear in mind, though, that the current trend is away from lighter brown and toward the dark side. Dark brown goes with everything.
"Not only am I blown away by the fact that people actually worry about this type of thing... but I'm also flabbergasted that there is a statute for this... a veritable RULE... and even a stigma for those who disobey!!! "Ice Cream-salesman" REALLY? Grab your straw boater and hit the road boys. Yikes. How about black... stick to black or something not blue? That just screams 70's at me for some reason...
#16 ~ "I'm turning 40, how can I keep my pompadour?"
"The pompadour is clearly the source of all your powers and suggests you're not quite ready to embrace your age. Instead, try easing your way in the right direction by switching out edgier clothes for tidier versions of same, e.g., trade dirty ripped jeans for crisp indigo ones or a leather jacket for a wool blazer. Do it bit by bit and soon enough you may find your pompadour is ready to retire. If your hair hasn't already fallen out by then."
Now I'm a little worried by the "not quite ready to embrace your age" bit... why does turning 40 immediately mean that you have to become a square and loose all of your inner hepcat? Don't do it... tone it down by all means with the clothing, but really... keep the hair. Just ask yourself... "What Would Brian Setzer Do?".
But really, don't let the hepcat out of your Rockabilly bag...you can dress like a square and still work it...honest.
#19 ~ "I'm a big guy...what kind of cardigan should I buy?"
"Go for a fine, plain knit in a merino or lamb's wool (rather than anything bulky like a rib or a cable). John Smedley, DKNY, and Jack Spade all offer something right, and though colors will suggest themselves naturally, you can't go wrong with gray, navy, or dark brown.
"Here, now again, my answer would be.... JUST DON'T. You should have learned from Mr Rogers waaaaaaaaay back in the day that cardigans are just not good for your social life. Nothing has changed.
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