This Week in High Fashion: PARIS FASHION WEEK!!!

This Week in High Fashion: PARIS FASHION WEEK!!!

I admit, I have Paris on the brain…and knowing me, it’ll be the only thing I’m thinking about until about the day before it happens, and then I’ll be in panic mode….without fail. It’s my MUA MO (Makeup Artist Modus Operandi)…I plan and plan and plan and plan for WEEKS leading up to a shoot, and then the day before, I realize that I haven’t actually made any props, or found the fabric I wanted or something dramatic that I inevitably blow out of proportion…freak out, get drunk, wail about my nerves, and then pass out without actually doing anything I should have been…and then go to my shoot the next day and turn out an amazing product (if I do say so myself). If you think I’m joking…you should ask my husband what he goes through week after week after glorious week.

But I’m losing my train of thought yet again. PARIS. PARIS PARIS PARIS PARIS. I love Paris Fashion week. Last year I was very very upset with Paris…but I think they’re coming crawling back to me…unlike Flare, who’s offices should be burnt to the ground and then churned into the ground to make way for an Esso station.

Years and years ago, much to my mother's dismay, I started watching Fashion Television on a semi-religious basis…it was a fabulous place where cities like London, Paris and Milan were the beacons of world fashion…everyone wanted to be there, I wanted to be there…I never wanted to be a model though…that looked boring…and some of the clothes were fucking awful…but that was also the 80’s and early 90's.
These days…some things have changed… London, Paris and Milan are still the beacons of world fashion, but they’re not the only ones anymore…I still watch Fashion Television and Jeanne Becker’s mouth still terrifies me…I still want to be there…and not as a model either...and sometimes the fashion is still shit. The one thing that has changed…I’m going to be there…soon. *evil laughter commences*


ON to the FASHION!
Pret-a-Porter means “Ready to Wear” which also means, please buy it off the runway so that the designer can make his crazy Haute Couture lines that no one but Lady Gaga buys. I’ll let you decide for yourselves my dearests what of these collections is ACTUALLY ready to wear, and what’s ready for the bin.

Gaultier….this man could send his models down the runway in recycled half-dirty milk jugs and I would still laud him to the angels on high until doomsday rained down upon us all. He’s that awesome. Luckily, he dresses his models better than that, so I can still feel justified in my praise singing.
I LOVE what’s happening in Gaultier’s F/W collection…top hats for everyone, sexy black draping fabrics,

Gaultier...can't say I love the skirt...but the hat is where it's at for SURE.

I’m also happy to see this…the return of the infamous yet fabulous cone bra…while not on the Madonna scale, it’s understated, but still very raw and very sexual. Like a cone bra should be. I'm not sure what's happening with the headwrap or the gloves...but she's working it so I"m not complaining.

LOVE this so much. She's like a housewife with a secret...hidden in her turban.

My only issue in this collection…Gaultier is very fond of face cut-outs…he’s used them a LOT in past collections…and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. This particular example looks warm and the colours are very pretty…but also looks a little stupid unless you’re on your way up the mountains in Nepal…then you’d fit in JUST fine and very very stylish in the meantime.

Face in the Hole ~ Paris Edition

It also reminds me of this…

Face in the Hole ~ Baywatch Edition

Russian Designer Valentin Yudashkin gives me what I’m expecting from a ready-to-wear show…something that is wearable, albeit a little boring…and totally overdone from LAST SEASON. Oops…. Did I say that out loud? I did. Oh dear.
See for yourselves….
I don’t even have to bring out poor Geena Davis’ Oscar gown for a 3rd time for you all to know just how horridly overplayed this look is. The rest of the skirt looks like an afterthought…a sewing room moment of “oh fuck…ahh no one will notice”….I noticed. Nicely done.


The best part about this next piece, is that it took 2 designers to make it happen…Junko Shimada and Francois Agostini. And I’m not talking about this like it’s a good thing. TWO people agreed that this was not only wearable, but desirable….a good fashion choice…something the modern woman would WANT to wear…
I don’t think I can talk about this dress anymore.

This is just laughable...is it PVC? Is it fabric? Is that fur? Are those REALLY dangling plastic hearts?

Bitter bitter hearts.

Everyone knows how much I’m beginning to loathe Karl Lagerfeld… I don’t hide my feelings from you, kittens…I can’t…I just can’t. WTF is happening here? It’s a jersey (one of Chanel’s favorite fabrics) dress with FUR BOOTIES and cuffs that would make Liberace blush a different tone of orange. And I’m sorry…is that WATER on the runway??? Is the model stomping in a puddle while posing???

Wooing the mightly Sasquatch...it's difficult...but rewarding.

Same with this next one…I see the foundation of a gorgeous piece of Chanel wool suiting... and then a FUR SKIRT. It doesn’t even look like fur…it looks like hair…I’m stunned that ANYONE thinks Karl Lagerfeld is a genius. If anyone else had done with Chanel what HE did with Chanel, they would call it an absolute rip off and a sullying of the brand...
I repeat...STUNNED.

If the Yeti ever decided to take a mistress…this is what she would dress like.

Oh, and I can't forget to mention this little chromed gem...this piece is from Lagerfeld's OWN line...I can't explain it, and I'm sure he can't either....but he'll tell you it's brilliant and important regardless.

Space Case @ Lagerfeld...the same crazy you've come to expect from years of tight collars and unecessary over-fanning.

John Galliano…like Gaultier…is an actual genius…not a fake one like Lagerfeld….he doesn’t need to SAY that he’s a genius, or an alien (yes, I will keep bringing that up until I forget about it)…he just IS.
But I have to say this…and I hope I will only have to say it once…he slips up sometimes.
WTF is happening here? WTF is on her head? How the FUCK is this ready-to-wear? Ready to shave, or ready to take for a walk perhaps…but not ready to wear…

I'm not sure what this is...

But this is a dog called a Komondor...it looks similar.

I’d actually love to know what the story behind this runway show is…because you know by now that they ALL have stories…this to me, looks like something about a Tibetan Geisha lost in the snow or in the midst of moving with her tribe and their horses to the Winter steppes…while looking fabulous the entire time. Perhaps she is the bride of Genghis Khan (or one of the 4…but let’s not quibble over history)…traveling to meet her husband for the first time.


Or a Renaissance era Turkish socialite/lady about town traveling through Asia Minor on her way to Damascus to buy dates for her children and shoes for herself….
I can make up romantic runway stories all damn day and not concentrate on the “real” world.

This is oddly beautiful...I'm not sure what I love about it...perhaps the "I dream of Jeannie" hat/veil combo.

Viktor & Rolf get the WTF prize for Paris Fashion Week…ESPECIALLY for the fact that this is supposed to be READY to WEAR…not “ready to prop in the corner and drape real clothing over”…holy shit.
This poor model…it’s a good thing she’s tall, otherwise, we wouldn’t know that she had a head.

I can't even comment on how stupid this model looks....and how pleased the designers look...

And I’m all for emphasizing the female shape…but SERIOUSLY? You made these pieces and put a price tag on them????

It looks like a pleated bucket!
Maybe I can wear it with my Isaac Mizrahi fishbowl boot/shoes.

The Maggie Simpson award…for Martin Margiela…who put his ENTIRE Winter collection on one model and pushed her out onto the runway for our amusement. She looks thrilled.

Winter sucks.

Maggie hates Winter too.

The Ghost of Barcelona Fashion Week’s’ Past…..
*Psycho theme music plays*

I can't even fathom HOW this is Pret-a-Porter.

Vivienne Westwood is a frightening little lady…and luckily for me…so is her Ready to Wear collection…I don’t’ know that I like anything about the pieces she showed in Paris this week…which is a change for me, because normally…I love her abnormality. But for some reason, this collection totally grates on me.
Maybe it’s the mismatched fabrics, maybe it’s the overpoweringly fugly tights, maybe it’s the red shoes, maybe it’s the model’s expression…I don’t know…but it’s bleh for me.

Vivienne Westwood designs for the crazy cat lady in all of us.

But I like the crown.

That’s how I feel right now, Vivienne…like a fucking queen in a paper hat.
It’s awesome.
Paris, when I get there, you’d better be as awesome as I’ve been pretending you are all these years…..

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