This Week in High Fashion: The OSCARS

This Week in High Fashion: The OSCARS

Like many of the postings I make about fashion, I’m rarely there to see it in action…I just give you, my lovelies, all my first opinions on the photos I happen to dig up…most of the time, I don’t even go back and edit…this is ALL from the gut…the raw, red, smelly gut. Now you know my secret, kittens…deep down, I’m instinctually a very judgmental, reactive, catty, and critical person…but it’s not a BAD thing…this is all to your benefit! Really. Think of all the fashion crimes you would have unknowingly committed if I wasn’t here to advise you!

I wish I had been at the Oscars last night…or, to put it bluntly, I wish that I was there a few hours before and was present at a few dress fittings…seriously, the amount of money that the starlets pay their stylists should be going to a better equipped source…

I was actually stunned by all the bad shit I saw flouncing down that red carpet…there were obviously moment of brilliance…but while there were shining stars, there were always the inevitable ones that just kept the proverbial ball rolling downhill from last year.

Let’s take a peek shall we?

Sandra Bullock in Marchesa….
Now, while some people were uber generous and said nice things like “already a winner in this perfectly fitted silver Marchesa…” I’m sitting here cringing in my chair thinking about chewing on some tinfoil…because that’s what this dress looks like. WTF Sandra? You’re married to a badass biker dude, and you show up in a foiled baked potato dress? With some lace accents?? The metallic tone of the dress is way too harsh on her pale skin, the cut isn’t flattering…oh, and the metallic bar of soap-shaped purse/thing…classy touch. Of course I also have to comment on the picture perfect hair…which looks a little awkward in my opinion… Maybe this look wouldn’t have been quite as bad with an updo or maybe not the bright pink lip? Maybe? I love Sandra Bullock, even though her nose scares me a little…

Look at her face...someone's stylist got fired this morning.
At least you got an Oscar, Sandra...at least you got an Oscar.

Carey Mulligan in Prada.
Now, I’m not exactly sure who she is, or why she was at the Oscars…but isn’t she adorable? Love the hair, love the dress, the earrings are a bit much, but overall, well done.
I particularly like the dress details…I didn’t know Prada was into this kind of stuff, but I’m really digging it…and if you’ll notice, there are implements on Miss Milligan’s dress to help me out with it. One review called them “goth-y details”…I’m not sure that I can even comment on that comment with a straight face, but if eating utensils have now become “goth-y details”, it’s time to change genre leanings.

Only if she's eating her feelings with her dress embellishments afterwards...

Zoe Saldana in Riccardo Tisci for Givenchy.
What the hell am I supposed to say about this dress? Let’s start with a tried and true favorite that I never get tired of expostulating. WTF Zoe. There were 2 different things happening with this dress…a good one (the bodice) and a bad one (everything else).
I actually found a photo of the muppet that died to make your Oscar dress, Zoe….
Her name is Lulu. I hope you feel horrible.

Zoe hates muppets. I love her shoes.

This is Lulu. RIP my little muppet friend.

Kate Winslet in Yves St Laurent.
Now, I generally have issues with YSL because their style is too mannish and boxy…but I love this. I also not too long ago totally flamed Sandra Bullock for wearing tinfoil…this is a tone of silver that is totally acceptable…it doesn’t make Miss W look too pale, and washed out, and it doesn’t make her look like a steak’s side dish accompaniment. My only complaint, the skirt is boring…but that’s it….I am also shocked.

I have nothing bad to say about this...except that the skirt is horrendously awkward.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries Van Noten.
I love me some Maggie G, I really do. But she rides a very slippery fashion slope. Sometimes, she’s awesome…other times…not so much.
I’m on the fence about this dress to be honest. I love the style of it and how it fits Maggie’s bony little butt and ribcage (you know I can’t say curves, don’t be pissy). But I have an issue with the pattern (and the bubblegum pink lips…uggh)….she looks ready for a lei and a tiki drink, and while that’s just fine by me, it’s a little inappropriate for the Oscars. But then again, from the looks of the guest lists at some of these prestigious awards shows, they might not even notice a coconut bra or two… Go for it, Maggie…I’m saving a hair flower for you.

Light the tiki torches, Maggie's here to par-tay!

Jennifer Lopez in Armani Prive.
I might just be the only person in the world to blog about Jennifer Lopez and this dress who uses the words “I loathe” in a sentence about it. It’s glittery, it’s shimmery, it’s frothy, it’s creamy…it’s a pink, bloaty, milky, latte of a dress, and I LOATHE it. There…I said it. LOATHE. And it’s not just the colour (puke) it’s the awkward cut of the bodice, and the weird waterfall of fabric happening at the side, which looks like it should be happening at the back…I’m not wrong here either…from this angle, it looks completely awkward and pretty pointless as a “detail”. It’s a mess, and from JLo’s grin, she wants you all to forget all about it and look at her pert derriere instead. That’s the only reason I can fathom for her wearing this dress…because there are no ruffles and rouching to cover her “famous” giant ass.

EW. I can feel my lactose intolerance bubbling up just looking at this glittery mess.

Kristin Stewart in Monique Lhuillier.
Number one, I’m surprised to see Kristin Stewart here because that would mean that someone somewhere thinks she’s been in a real movie. And we all know that’s just not true.
Number two, I’m surprised she doesn’t have her similarly unwashed arm candy with her.
Number three, I’m surprised that I actually love this dress and I think she looks stunning, because in general, Kristin normally looks a complete fright.
But perhaps that’s the point. I don’t understand kids these days.

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham
This family should give lessons in ladder climbing.
While I’m sure her mother picked out this dress, I think it’s unfair to always brand Miley as “looking like she’s wearing prom dress again”….she’s 17. She’s SUPPOSED to look like she’s wearing a prom dress. As much as I hate everything that is Miley Cyrus including the source of her genetic material, I think she looks great. As great as childhood exploitation can look, there it is.

That's right Miley, slouch so they know you're a teenager.

Molly Ringwald in….no one really seems to know…
Or maybe no one wants to step up and admit to designing it.
I don’t have a problem with the dress per-se…or the colour (love the purple)…it’s the combination of awkward “modern” jewelry, draped “goddess” styling, and Molly’s own painful carrot hair and pale skin that just give this whole look a shudder effect.
Not to mention…Molly….nice duckface honey.

I don't know if I love or hate this, but the general swing is towards hate. Esepcially that fugly "modern" belt.

Rachel McAdams in Eli Saab Haute Couture
In my sainted opinion…THIS is what a “cool” blond should wear. Now when I say cool, I don’t mean “wow, she’s really awesome to hang out with, super laid back and stuff…what a cool chick”. How the fuck would I know that? I'm talking about skin tones. Ash blondes, with a blue undertone to the skin (opposite of peaches and cream) look amazing in pale greens, blues and grey shades…like this dress. I love everything about this look. Pale lips, not too overdone on the hair and eyes, understated and uber elegant. LOVE it.

Vera Farmiga in Marchesa
WELL, looks like someone came out on the wrong side of a coffee filter fight…or perhaps got carried away during a cupcake baking session?
What the hell is happening with all those ruffles? It’s like home-ec gone wrong. YES, its raspberry…yes, she was the only one working that colour. But it looks stupid, and a little bird told me that she could barely walk in it! Hardly fair to make a woman look that bad and then compound it by taking away her power to run away from her tormenters. So cruel.


Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel Couture.
WHYYYYYYYY am I the only one who thinks that SJP is scary beyond all reason?
Karl Lagerfeld has been designing for Chanel since 1983. And I think it’s starting to show.
It actually doesn’t look bad from the front, very sleek, very 1920’s Coco…I even like the strop across the collarbones…but then….*movie scream* WTF is happening with the ass of this dress!?! SERIOUSLY.

See, classy in the front, nightmare in the back.

This is a bag. A bag made of silk, with a designer label and a couple of roses thrown on for “elegance”. Matthew Broderick looks like he’s a little afraid of his wife. I would be too.

Scary beyond all reason. Seriously.

Charlize Theron in Dior Couture
Last year there was the Giant Prada Bow debacle…and this year, it’s the Rosette debate. Is it pretty, is it heinous, is it hilarious…the answer to all of these questions, is yes. But mostly the last one. I have to say that I love the colours at work in this piece…two tones of the same shade are always a win colour-wise….but then there’s the details. I’ve seen comments about this dress mentioning “cinnabon” and other pastry related things…but I think Princess Leia would be proud. I actually have more of a problem with the train on this dress. The train is attached to the back of the dress, right at the bottom of Charlize’s ass…and that’s it. Sooooo is it really supposed to be there? Take away the lighter shade train, and you’ve got a really hot Dior dress. Even with the rosette bra.

Chop off the train, and all is forgiven. No "defending the dress" interviews to be had. Everyone wins.

Amanda Seyfried in Armani Prive
Now kittens, this is what a “cool” blond –shouldn’t- wear.
Do you see the difference? Poor little Amanda is totally lost in the icy blue of her dress, and the tight hairstyle doesn’t help either… This could be fixed (maybe) with a warm lip colour, and a less severe hair-do…something softer to downplay the structure of the gown perhaps. What is it with Armani Prive and side issues this season? Were they having folding issues on the assembly line? I can see the memo now “Side pleats, ruffles and slits are the NEW thing. Put them on EVERYTHING!!!”

Diane Kruger in Chanel.
*le sigh*
Ordinarily I love Chanel.
I really do. But lately, I just can’t stomach it. Another Lagerfeld designed sack with too many ruffles. Now, I do like that Lagerfeld sticks to the classic Chanel colours and tries to stay true to Mademoiselle Coco’s unique aesthetic and style…but this is just too much. Poor little Diane, maybe she’ll do better next year.
As a sidebar, I got this photo from the Edmonton Journal (in my experiences in Edmonton, they are the last people who should be commenting on fashion that isn’t parka or Oiler’s inspired), who have a distinct predilection for close cropping photos to save on printing costs perhaps? Lazy editors? I dunno…but regardless…nice work (yes, that was irony…itchy isn’t it).

Poor Diane.

Nicole Richie in Reem Acra
I have two questions here. What has Nicole Richie done in this life to get a spot on the red carpet to attend the Oscars? Maybe she’s a celebrity seat filler…
Why does everyone seem to hate this dress? It reminds me of classic MiuMiu…which I haven’t seen anywhere for the LONGEST time…I quite like this dress. Retro styling, and it actually makes Nicole look the least trashy I think I’ve seen in a looooong time. She actually looks classy. I’m impressed, yet disturbed by her presence here.

Yes, I do like this dress. No, I don't respect Nicole Richie.

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