This Week in High Fashion: Winter is not an excuse to look Stupid

This Week in High Fashion: Winter is not an excuse to look Stupid

Friday, January 8, 2010 at 12:10pm

Happy New Year to all of you!

It’s been a LONG and scrumptious year in fashion…and it sure kept me busy, I sharpened my claws on all of those bad runway choices, Lindsay Lohan, barefaced models, I had a lovers quarrel with Flare magazine which ended with me leaving them…silent and stony and utterly blindsided by my strength and fabulousness. Like all exes, I’m sure they learned nothing from the experience and will likely continue to be a thorn in my side this year…the worst exes always seem to cling to what they’ve lost like rabid possums don’t they?

BUT down to business… it’s winter…and though it may not look like it here… it’s happening elsewhere with a vengeance and there are some wonderful galleries popping up featuring some fabulous, and not so fabulous winter fashions…and I couldn’t help myself…

As you may have noticed over the past year, I have an issue with regurgitated eras that don’t deserve to be regurgitated. The 80’s being the worst offender of the lot. I know that Fashion as an industry is desperate to get back to those decadent days when no one had any taste but had LOTS of money to spend. Personally, I had my fill of it when I was pretty young…but these designers, they just can’t seem to let go… Malaysian designer Zang Toi is one of those designers. WTF is going on here. Are her goggles big enough? Is that fur ruff doing anything for her core temperature? In both cases… I think a resounding NO covers all of my bases.

She'd better be wearing GIANT furry boots.

I threw this little gem in here to remind everyone that while there are some extremely talented designers in Spain…there are also some horrendous ones. I particularly hate the mish mash of fabric pairings, and the yellow lips. I want to know who their key makeup artist was so I can strive never to do this. Yellow lips on an already bloodless looking model is runway death. DEATH.

Who puts yellow lips on a pale pasty model? Honestly. You can't sit there and tell me that this was the look the designer was envisioning for their collection... and if you can... I'm curious to hear what kind of theme you think was happening here.

DSquared2 makes me embarrassed to be Canadian… I don’t know that we were ever styled as a fashionable colony back in the day… known for our braided woolen belts, cedar bark hats, Hudson’s Bay Blanket coats… the brainiacs at DSquared2 are not helping us here. Not. Helping.

I want to trade this model for her cheap sunglasses... only for the fact that I'm hoping they're dark enough that I don't have to watch this nightmare continue. DS2, we are at war.

This is fun… an Italian, designing for a Japanese Fashion house… can anyone else see what’s wrong with this picture? Aside from the John Lennon shades and the hat made out of one of my former pet rabbits? Wait… that is what’s wrong with this picture. WTF Kenzo…don’t do this to yourself. And I also see that this is from the “ready-to-wear” collection… really? Ready to wear WHERE? The gun range? The pumpkin patch? You can’t honestly expect people…and MEN for that matter, to wear something like this out in public… except perhaps ironically. That’s right, you too can be ironic for $2,000. Small price to pay for fashion, you say? If it was Fashion… I would agree. But it’s a dead rabbit made into a hat.

Kenzo... ready to wear... where?

"My compliments from me to you on this your most intruguiging hat, might I suggest instead perhaps, a bat in place of this old rat?"

You’ll all remember that Paris Fashion Week made my stomach a little wobbly. I was SO excited to see gorgeous runway theatrics, enchanting makeup, and over the top designer creations that would make me cry with their beauty and untouchable-ness. But it didn’t happen. Junya Watanabe contributed to my Pairs Fashion Week flu like symptoms. I would like to know how in the hell this is considered runway worthy… it looks like a product of that Project Runway challenge that involved sleeping bags and camping equipment… I’m guessing it’s meant to be a Winter garment? Yeah… don’t think we’ll be seeing this on the streets anytime soon… maybe Cirque du Soleil’s new winter themed show? Hm. Maybe not.

And I don't want to know what's happening with that makeup... it looks like something is coming out of the models nose...

Vivienne Westwood, you’re so quirky and cute. WHY did you make a hat that only women with giant hair can wear? I admit to half liking the jacket… why only half? Because half of the damn jacket is missing. I appreciate the idea…but tailored jackets are not the time to be fence sitting between a bolero and a blazer. Seriously. I love you Vivienne, but this looks silly.

LOOK!!!! A GIANT HAT to distract you from the HALF MADE JACKET

French Designer Rosemary Rodriquez does the unthinkable… and tried to design something “normal” for Thierry Mugler… I know that mens collections don’t lend themselves very well to the Mugler alien aesthetic… but puffy shiny aviator wear in tomato red? What would YOU do to your boyfriend/husband/gay male friend if they showed up to a party wearing something like this in a NON ironic/fetish aviation themed type way? Even the model looks pissed and can’t make eye contact. Yikes.

If WWI were fought in puffy fetish gear.

This is from a 2007 Moscow Fashion week… but I had to throw it in because it makes me want to play Tetris and drink Stolichnaya vodka.

Doesn't anyone else want vodka?

Another gem from the Pasarela Cibiles fashion show in Madrid early in 2009…What. The. Hell. I think it’s a coat, but it might be a modified strawberry pot…you know the ones with the little cups coming off of it so that the runners can grow? Yeah…

This is a dress/coat/thing that looks like a strawberry pot.

This is a strawberry pot.

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac makes my head hurt… yet another disaster from the Paris Fashion Week catwalk.. and there is NOTHING that anyone can tell me about this ensemble that makes it better, or saleable. It’s puffy, it’s shiny, it’s multicoloured. It looks like a stuffed PVC rubix cube. Is it for math geeks? Do they get a prize if they can make the jacket all one colour? Like maybe if someone can figure that out, Monsieur de Castelbajac will stop designing crap like this. A girl can dream can’t she?

This is a coat... that looks like a Rubix Cube.

This is a Rubix Cube.

I don’t know why I hate this…maybe because it looks like neither of the designers could figure out what they were trying make, but they knew deep down that they had to make it out of shiny material. A skirt? A bustle belt? Shorts? Pants? Maybe a little bit of short, a little bit of skirt? WTF. I have the same problem with the jacket. Was this a product of “Battle of the Sexes” day in the design room? “I want a blazer!” “I want a jumper!” “Buttons!” “No buttons!” . This creation makes me dizzy. And they’ve topped it off with my favorite inappropriate accessory of the season… really really tall boots. Just because you’re wearing boots, doesn’t make it winterized…it makes you look like a hooker prepared for some inclement weather.

I can't even look at it anymore... the longer I look, the more I find wrong with it.

I have a dream my darlings… maybe for 2010 I won’t have to be so catty…I won’t have to be nearly as mean…maybe I’ll be surprised…maybe just maybe…and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

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