This Week in High Fashion: Flare....I'm done.Share

This Week in High Fashion: Flare.... I'm done.Share

Yesterday at 4:38pm

Flare is becoming to me like that horrible ex that you broke up with because you were sure that they were a little crazy, but didn’t realize the depth of the crazy until you’d actually ended the relationship…oh you know…the ones that cry, tell you how much they love you…that they’ll change…that you’re the ONLY one for them…that they’ll DIE without you… Really, the only thing that happens next is that you start wishing that they WOULD die without you. Well, Flare…the depth of your crazy has made me realize that I can’t give you any more chances. We talked about this…and I can see now, that it’s just not going to work out…

We just have nothing in common anymore…just this morning as I was reading through your articles, I discovered THIS gem…yes of course I still read your articles… I still CARE about you, Flare…but it’s in more of a benevolent freakishly maternal kind of way than the feelings I used to have for you.
Let’s examine what you’ve vomited into the online pool…

Top 10 Runway Looks: Party Pieces

Flare has a really really really big thing for “Top Whatever” lists… pretty soon I’ll be able to make a list of my own. “Top 10 Things I Hate About Flare”.

But, as usual, I digress. Off we go.

#1 Thakoon

“Few pieces have more versatility than a tailored oversized blazer. I love how chic this dinner jacket by Thakoon looks over sparkly wide trousers. The bold necklace - matched with slicked-back locks - is essential. You can pair the jacket with all of your party pieces, including a simple black dress.”

You’re right…FEW pieces have the versatility of a huge schlumpy blazer which despite its expensive tailoring still manages to look like you stole it out of your dad’s closet circa 1976. I personally HATE how this blazer looks…it looks tired, sloppy, uncomfortable, and ill-fitted. It’s not chic, it’s not stylish, and of COURSE you have to slick back your hair…other women expect men to not be able to dress themselves, so make yourself look as manly as possible, and try to pull this off with some HUGE jewelry and maybe some pasties from Lindsay Lohan’s Emanuel Ungaro collection to remind people that you ARE a woman. How about this instead…a FITTED blazer??? There is NOTHING sexier than a woman in a fitted blazer, with wild curls and some sexy smoke-y dark eyes and a hot red, or berry luscious lip. ARG

Give your dad back his blazer...

#2 Stella McCartney

“Purple looks great on everyone. This sweetly simple royal purple frock is the perfect solution for a family dinner or drinks with the girls. The velvet booties make it super chic for now, or you can strap on sparkly sandals for a dressier occasion.”

First of all, this isn’t true. Purple DOESN’T look good on everyone. Secondly…who the hell goes to family dinners in a $1500 dress and velvet booties?? REALLY. I’m not even going to talk about how short it is, or how horrible empire waisted dresses look on women with no shape. I’m sorry, I just cant. I love me some Stella MC…but I just can’t do this right now. It looks like a child’s dress strapped onto a teenager. I am not fan. At all.
As an alternative, how about something that isn’t sheer on top? This dress would actually look great as a tunic dress with the front pleats acting as a detail instead of a feature? The ruffle at the neck or shoulder instead of the sternum? And really, purple is great, but it has its limits. Shade is super important…too blue, and you could look too pale…too red, and you end up looking washed out and blotchy. With any of the jewel shades, be mindful of your skin tone… undertones are SO important. Pink undertones vs yellow undertones…it’s important people, don’t listen to Flare and just throw on some purple randomly.

I hate your booties.

#3 Pucci

“While I love my little black dresses so does everyone else. Unfortunately wearing one will make you fade into the crowd. When you want to stand out - and as the party hostess you must! - pick an electric hue such as this gorgeous asymmetric dress by Pucci.”

I HATE your LBD’s, Flare. Why does a little black dress make YOU fade into the crowd? Because you’re a dirty little tryhard who has no idea how to accessorize. If you want to stand out and NOT look like a freak…wear your LBD and put on some big jewlery, amazing makeup, great hair and a giant smile… THAT makes you stand out. Not a HOT PINK asymmetrical MESS that doesn’t look like it would fit well if the designer herself was pinning it on you. This dress has three MAJOR things wrong with it. COLOUR. SLEEVE. COHESION. It’s 2 different dresses stapled together!! Designers get kicked off project Runway for smaller blunders!

*movie scream*

No one really expects Patricia Arquette to dress well... but seriously... this is a heinous example of the "hot one shoulder trend" that even Flare couldn't love so so much.

#4 Marc Jacobs
“While this may be a black dress , the slices of pink peeking out make it a stand-out pick. I love the 80s mix of fuchsia with black - and especially those notice-me pink accessories. Rocked out hair and 80s inspired diva makeup are a must!”

Speaking of messes… You know what else is a must, Flare? A BARF BAG. Or another drag queen. If you rolled into your company “Holiday Party” wrapped up in this disaster of a “dress” you’d either get kicked out, or be expected to start into your Diana Ross lipsynch and booty shake routine. Whatever medication Flare is taking right now, it must be cheap, and I don’t think it’s been approved by the FDA yet. And WTF is going on with the one sleeve trend??? Pick a season.. are you cold or hot? Strapless or full sleeves… you can’t sit on the fence forever!

*80's movie scream*

#5 Hervé Légér by Max Azria
“Every Hollywood starlet worth her Louboutins has several Hervé Légér bandage-wrapped dresses in her wardrobe. This one shimmers on several trend counts - the prominent one shoulder detail and the metallic bands.”

Really? Well, now that Louboutins are available online for discount prices, I don’t know how much this is actually a style-watch-word anymore. I wonder if Flares knows these star personally? Which ones are they? The search I did brought up some red carpet nightmares that I’ve seen on more than a few “Worst Dressed” lists. And I have to say something about the one shoulder detail thing… OF COURSE ITS PROMINENT…THERE’S ONLY ONE SHOULDER TO DETAIL!

"HOT" Hollywood LOVES these tired bandaid dresses.

#6 Gucci
“If a second-skin mini isn't your look, this loose tunic top and skinny leggings from Gucci are the answer. Not only will you be comfortable but you'll make a big statement with the shimmer and on-trend shoulder detail.”

You’re right, Flare…you can STILL look trashy in this fabulous piece by Gucci, because as long as you’re spending over $1000 on it, it MUST be fashionable. Right? Right? WRONG-O. It’s an oversized sweater from 1982 that you’ve stretched beyond all recognition, bedazzled and tossed on over some sparkley workout tights from your Flashdance days. Do you want to know who this looks good on? Size 0 and no one else. And even then… it’s a FUCKING CRIME. THIS is NOT fashion. I don’t even have a suggestion as to how to do it better. Just save yourself the trouble of asking someone “Do I look ok in this shiny garbage bag and leggings?” And if I see anything else about “on trend” shoulder details, I’m going to vomit all over my laptop. If you’re following trend, you deserve to wear the crap that Flare is suggesting for you.

Just because it's Gucci, doesn't mean it's fashionable.

#7 Chloe
“Not everyone wants a dress. I love this adorable French chic blouse by Chloé. While these fuller-cut velvet trousers are the newest way to wear it, the blouse would look just as fashionable with super-skinny jeans or a sleek mini.”

Y’know what… I’m going to bring up something that I seem to bring up every time I have this little chat with Flare about their disappointing love of tired fashion trends… these wide velvet pants are not “the new way to wear” things… they’re the 80's way to wear things.

Just say it with me now... EEEWWWW

80’s 80’s 80’s 80’s. Fuck the 80’s. The 80’s were a time of decadence and selfishness evidenced by the collections of designers like Lagerfeld who designed for themselves, and not for women who had jobs to go to and things to do in their daily lives that didn’t involve posing on the corner with razor sharp blush and shoulder pads that you could build bridges on… I don’t know if it’s just a global conspiracy that designers and magazines and corporate shills are trying to bring back because everyone spent money like it was going out of style or if it’s just my imagination… because that’s the ONLY reason I can see for bringing back the USELESS and fugly trends that happened in the 80’s. “The economy is bad, let’s mass produce leggings and shoulder pads and make people think that life is ok again.” Oh, and the blouse is ugly too.

#8 Balmain
“From Madonna to Rihanna, all of the rock and roll style-setters have rocketed Balmain to A-list designer status. The label's sparkling minis and embellished military jackets are seen on red carpets worldwide and have spawned a legion of knock-offs.”

I think I might possibly hate this more than anything else on this list… I also hate that Flare talks about this designer like they invented the military jacket. Last time I checked, “military style” is pretty much the knockoff…sooo what does that make Balmain? I hate this dress. It’s Thierry Mugler with a bustle attached in the wrong place, and some freakish moon boots. WTF is happening here? It’s shiny, it’s velvet or maybe satin?, its lame… hate hate hate everything about it.


#9 Louis Vuitton
“Combining ruching, lace, bows and candy-sweet colours, Louis Vuitton's latest collection embraces the Parisian coquette. It's an over-the-top look that focuses on attention-grabbing accessories such as boots with court heels, gathered gloves and a fuchsia clutch. It's not for the timid - no tiny jewels or ironed centre-parted locks please - this look needs major confidence!”

This. I don’t know what to say. “this look needs major confidence” because it’s FUCKING HEINOUS. There is something VERY wrong with Louis Vuitton. I know I’ve mentioned this before too… I thought it stopped with the lime green furry rain boot disasters, and what he did to Madonna at the Costume Institute Gala earlier this year…but no… I take back what I said about the Balmain grossness above. I hate THIS more than ANYTHING.

This is just a walking tragedy. Even the model looks like she KNOWS how stupid she looks.

If Louis Vuitton can do THIS to Madonna, he really doesn't care about women.

#10 Nina Ricci
“Here's the littlest of little black dresses - but one that makes a major statement with its band of turquoise shimmer. Monster-sized boots rock the understated strapless and note the sheer black hosiery. After years of bare legs with cocktail dresses, hosiery is back in a big way.”

I beg to differ here, Flare… years of bare legs with cocktail dresses? There’s a reason for that. Tights. Look. Stupid. Hosiery is only back in a big way because you’re all trying your damndest to bring the 80’s back in a big way. Well screw you. I actually LIKE this dress too. Trust Flare to ruin it with a pair of black tights, or maybe even a pair of thigh-high boots.

I actually DON'T hate this dress. The model, however... needs a tan and a ceaser salad.

Flare, you and I are clearly moving in different directions in life… for instance… you suck. I sincerely hope that the women who read your endlessly annoying Top 10 lists will realize that their brains are stronger than whatever voodoo magic you conjured to get your articles online. Flare, I thought there might be a chance for us..that we could be friends or something… that you had really really changed… but alas, you still suck, and I’m moving on up.

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