~ Nightshade Beauty's Poison Pen~

This Week in High Fashion: MTV Movie Awards 2010

2010-06-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

Oh MTV. You defined a generation back in the 80’s, you nursed us through the difficult transition between live music, concerts we couldn’t afford, Madonna’s banned videos, and bridged the reality TV gap, and then led the youth into an age where music videos are more mini-movie than actual video, and reality TV is more scripted than actual TV, which is more than a little terrifying. You showed us how to dress (or not depending on the video or show), how to act (or not), where to party on Spring Break (or not)…your reach was endless. Then, you decided you were cool enough to judge movies too…um. Ok. Sure.

So here we are in 2010, and we’re still letting these douchebags tell us what to wear, what movies to watch, who’s cool, and who’s not. Is this seriously what society has been reduced to? Target audience, the screaming velociraptors who make up the “tween plus” generation…we’re talking ages 12 to 16…they watch Gossip Girl, fantasize about marrying or at the very least being stalked by a vampire, idolize Paris Hilton, think Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are hilarious, and don’t remember when Brett Michaels was actually popular for real and not for fake. BTW, if you’re an adult and you fall into any of these categories…we’re not speaking anymore.

As MTV slowly takes over the world like a giant soul sucking jellyfish, the red carpets at the MTVMA’s are almost as popular as the Grammy’s…yeah, I said it.
The guest list at the MTVMA’s always surprise me…I always want to know who is on the security detail that lets in the cast of Jersey Shore like they’re supposed to be there.

*le sigh*

On to the Fashion!!
Katy Perry…is so cute I could just barf all over her.
But as much as I love her, I can’t forgive her for attempting to rip off the Gaga. I really can’t.
Here she is in Zuhair Murad, gross yellow nail polish that only my ex-roomate could love, and a blue wig that can probably be found at the stripper store on Granville.

Although, I have to admit she looks great with blue hair…like a muppet with overly moisturized breasts.

Kristen Stewart…seriously looks like she has the personality of a nail file. An article I found called this outfit “fun” and said that she was “rocking some wicked hair extensions”. The 1980’s were not fun, which is where those mismatched prints look like they’re borrowed from, and you’re giving Dolce and Gabbana a bad name…as for the hair extensions…”rocking” is not how I would describe what she’s doing to them.

Lindsay Lohan…WTF happened and why is “young Hollywood” caught in this spinning vortex of bad retro fashion??? I like how LoHo is rocking the “just rolled out of bed coked out hooker” look. She really does it justice. How in the name of all that is holy did someone decide that this is what she should wear to an awards show…oh yeah…note to self…Pamela Rolland makes clothes that are inappropriately supportive, ill-fitting, and…super important…FUCKING UGLY. Wow Lindsay…on the trainwreck back to winning your way back into the collective “heart” of entertainment…too bad you’re aiming for the crotch on the outskirts of Vegas. Ouch.

Christina Aguilera has always been about over-the-top, diva bullshit. Aaaaand nothing’s changed here, folks. Wearing Versace Atelier to an MTV function is like wearing black tie to a frat party. She wears it amazingly well…obviously…but you know she’s just there to make fun of everyone behind their backs, drink Perrier with a self-satisfied smirk on her face, and then go home with the captain of the basketball team that you’ve had your eye on all year. Bitch.

Dolce and Gabbana got a LOT of play on this year’s MTVMA red carpet…although whoever the fuck decided that Snooki from Jersey Shore would be allowed to wear something from their spring line should be SHOT. In the head. TWICE. Ever the style icon, Snooki ADMITTED to cutting the hem off her dress to make it shorter…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! It burns….the hatred…it burns.

Thank all of the gods for Scarlett Johansson. THIS is what Dolce & Gabbana is SUPPOSED to look like. NO HEM CUTTING ALLOWED. Are you listening SNOOKI!?

Paris Hilton…is a femmebot, I’ve decided. Someone needs to pop her head off and re-adjust her wires so she can’t say the words “hot”, “TTYN”, or “BFF” or “I need a new puppy” ever ever again.
On a fashion note, this dress isn’t horrible…and normally, Blumarine is pretty good about not putting crap on the runway. Although, Paris dressing like she thinks she’s an angel princess or whatever the hell she’s going for here…not so much. I’m of the mind (and I don’t think I’m alone here) that all things white that Paris comes into contact with should automatically stain themselves darker…it could be her super power or something.

Vanessa Hudgens…I know you’re dating Zac Efron, which automatically gives you a free pass in the teen world (or maybe an automatic death threat, I can’t be sure), but whoever said that this Jenny Packham dress you’re wearing is “sweet and innocent” hasn’t seen any photos from the last Midsummer’s Eve party at the Playboy Mansion. Add some Double D’s under that nightdress, and she’s ready to be Miss March. Just sayin’.

Nikki Reed…you were in Twilight…that doesn’t make you an actress. You’re also wearing MiuMiu…which is Prada’s cheaper little sister…the pattern and cut of this dress says to me: “Come on back to the 60’s, we have the Beatles”. As much as I disapprove of the Twilight “phenomenon” and everything rolled in with it…I approve of this dress.

Eva Mendes went to rehab, and all she got was this one-shouldered, ill-fitting, sparkly, heinous coloured, giraffe printed, sack dress from Stella McCartney. Pass the crown and coke….

Jessica Biel…her dress says, “I’m dating Justin Timberlake, and we’re so happy that I can wear whatever I want to awards shows and he’ll still love me.” Did you notice that he’s not in attendance? I sure did. Nice Giambattista Valli tea-frock BTW, my mother would approve of the long sleeves on the otherwise questionable morals going on with the rest of that dress. Another note, from the look on her face, I’d say that sheer polka dot top is itchy. That sucks.

Jwoww…yes, that’s actually what people call her…and by people, I mean douchebags. Wearing something from her own line of exotic dance wear…I mean…fashion…Filthy Couture is the perfect name for it. This line can also bee seen circling rooms on ceiling fans, draped over chairs, and being flung into the crowd while straddling a pole in a seedy dive club in Nanaimo and other points down the road to deep deep depression. Also available at Target.

Oh MTV…I’m so glad I don’t get your channel anymore.

Nightshade Watches Movies: Lagerfeld Confidential !!!

2010-05-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

When someone utters the name Karl Lagerfeld...what springs to mind? Chanel? Perhaps. The frosted ponytail? Indeed. Seasonally inappropriate collars that only Don Cherry could love? Definitely. You know me, I've had an on and off love affair with Lagerfeld, as a designer and as a “fashion celebrity” for quite some time. It's generally love/hate, but I find it quite satisfying in a quasi neurotic kind of way. I find him alternately fascinating and terrifying…as I’m sure many people do. The man is a self proclaimed “alien” and I can’t seem to shake the image of fashion’s favorite bobble-head doll, Jeanne Beker from Fashion Television, giggling like a half-crazed schoolgirl JUST to sit in his presence…it clings Jeanne…the shame.

Coming back to the subject….Lagerfeld...movie.
When I was trapped on a hugely long flight from Paris to Seattle last month, I discovered to my inane joy (you have no idea) that Air France has a staggeringly large cache of fashion based films, runway footage, and documentaries on their little in-seat screens. *squeal* For 10 hours straight (broken only by the 80th viewing of “A Bugs Life” )…I watched runway footage from the catwalks of the world…and then a little gem of a documentary that I hadn’t heard of before. Lagerfeld Confidential. Which, I’m shocked to say…changed my view of Lagerfeld completely. OK well not completely...I still think he's batshit, but in all seriousness, this NEVER happens to me, kittens. I don’t change my mind about these things lightly.
On with the review!

Lagerfeld Confidential http://www.lagerfeldconfidentiel.com/index.cfm?lng=en
Filmed in 2007, in endearingly horrible lighting, documentary style by Rodolphe Marconi the viewer is treated to a week (or maybe it was a month, I couldn’t be sure, it wasn’t specifically explained) in the life of The Lagerfeld. Fortunately for me, as a Lagerfeld critic, this film allowed an insider’s view of the daily workings of the Chanel empire…at least the Lagerfeld parts. I was rewarded with the justification of most of my assumptions…the man is insane. Now, unfortunately, when I say insane, I actually mean genius level insane…Lagerfeld is an incredibly complex man with many levels and many things about his life which are not shared with outsiders…take his dark glasses for example…he specifically demanded (in a nice way) to not be filmed without them…instructions which the camera crew did their best to subvert and got a fair amount of footage of Lagerfeld sans lunettes de soleil, and considering this documentary is considered “official” Lagerfeld obviously approved it.

Which brings me to my next point. Approved documentaries, like authorized biographies are generally a snore. The unauthorized content is soooo much juicier isn’t it? Thankfully, and to Lagerfeld’s credit, there is quite a bit of seemingly unauthorized content in this film. From the director: «I have shown the film to Karl two weeks after the final editing; it was the same version that you will see today: he has changed nothing. There was no censorship imposed upon me during the editing.»
We see Lagerfeld packing for a trip…we get to peek into his dresser drawers and see the PILES yes, PILES of paper/starched/space material collars that he wears everywhere….the plethora of ipod/nano/shuffle/mp3 music options…the multiple BOWLS of rings that he covers his fingers with before leaving the house (an assistant yelps when he pats her hand because of all the rings, owie…right on the bone). The small retail boutique contents he brings with him as presents for house staff, guests, anyone, random people he meets…Chanel for EVERYONE!!!!! I’m serious…an army of pristine, massive Chanel shopping bags follows this man wherever he goes.
I have to admit, my dears, that as much as I have spoken ill of Lagerfeld in the past…I still admire him. On seeing footage of his apartment, I had a definitive moment of fan-girl palpitations…he lived…right down the street from the flat I had occupied on the Rue D’Anjou only days previously. I know. Barfy, right?
Something else to love about this documentary is the tender side of Lagerfeld that shows itself quite unabashedly. He worships his mother for her strength of character, and her passion for life; he hates people who can’t be alone; he never sleeps on flights and won’t travel without a threadbare pillow that his grandmother made for him; he freely admits that he can’t sew…he just designs.

Lagerfeld is an artist, an artist with no secrets to hide, and no shame about his lifestyle, his desires, or his opinions…(don’t ask him what he thinks about YSL). He’s a brilliant sketch artist (loves to work in red sharpie and always draws a frame around his design sketches), a gifted photographer, a rabid magazine collector, and an avid scrap booker (yes, I’m serious).

His office looks like mine...there may be hope for me yet.

Verdict…love him, worship him, think he’s a fucking nutcase? All of the above? Definitely worth the watch. Personally, he still terrifies me slightly in that “I definitely think you’re crazy, but no one else seems to notice” kind of way.
Watch the documentary…if nothing else…Nicole Kidman’s in it, and there are naked male models (seriously), and no naked Karl Lagerfeld.
*thumbs up*

Nicole Kidman!!!

Male models in various states of undress!!!!

This Week in High Fashion: LG Fashion Week...What Trends??

2010-05-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Toronto Fashion Week has been through many facelifts over the years that it's been running as NY Fashion Week's dirty little love child that no one talks about...first it was just plain old Toronto Fashion Week, then L'Oreal Fashion Week, and now, LG Fashion Week. Somehow the association of spotty and unreliable satellite connections goes hand in hand with the fashions that are coming out of Toronto this season.

Now, "Selling Out" is usually a term reserved for sports teams and rock bands, with no apologies made...and now the same thing is happening for fashion. At LG Fashion week, it's easy to see who's driving the creative boat...and as usual, it's the people with the most money. Or the biggest entourage, you be the judge.

Designers of note showing at this season's LG Fashion Week (aka the one's that I'll be bashing): Joe Fresh, Evan Biddel, Lucian Matis, Barbie by David Dixon, Bustle Clothing, Cocolilly, Attitude, Pink Tartan.

http://www.lgfashionweek.ca/Designers.aspx

Joe Fresh Style -- If you're not familiar with this label, obvoiusly you haven't been shopping in a small town before. Dominating the landscape of small towns and suburbs everywhere, Great Canadian Superstore has a fashion line. Yes...a fashion line. A fashion line that shows at Toronto's Fashion Week. Now if you're waiting for it all to get better, like I am...it doesn't. But LG Fashion Week is cool with it...then again, wouldn't everyone if they were getting paid a whackload of money? Sure you would be. Don't deny it...money talks. Especially in Toronto. There are furry earmuffs on this runway...I do NOT approve.

I'm sorry...are those earmuffs?

I know someone with a dogskin coat that would go PERFECTLY with that purse!!!

Evan Biddel -- How can you NOT love Evan Biddel, this author is proudly addicted. BUT...laying it all on the table...WTF is happening with this collection? Bag dresses, crazy eye bleach worthy prints, shiny material that looks like it belongs on a baked potato, and some structure that even McQueen would be like: "bitch...please". Now don't take this the wrong way...Biddel is fabulous...loved him since day one on Project Runway, and he cuts and sews everything by himself...but I think I can see where he got a little angsty about his work...or a little too stoned to go on.

I'm al for structure...but this is just stupid. Is it a raincoat? A child's play area? I'm confused. I also wonder how much glue gun time was put into this.

It's the pants that are freaking me out the most. OK that's a lie...everything is freaking me out at this point.

Lucian Matis -- Another Project Runway alumnai...and another longtime love. Matis' designs are generally flowing, beautiful, delicate garments for flowing, delicate, beautiful women. No problem. This collection however...is not. It's hard, it's strong, it's feminine, yes...but Matis' woman is definitely STRONGER this season than in the past. My issue...is the borrowing from other catwalks and hoping that no one notices. I see Lagerfeld inspired lines, Chanel suits in luxe fabrics, and baroque designs that look like McQueen's final collection. I'm ok with this...but I HATE recycled runway. *YAWN*

Compare to Chanel's Winter 10/11 collection...all that's missing is furry boots. And Lagerfeld.

Subtle hints of McQueen...it's not his fault.

Barbie by David Dixon -- Now, the name of this line makes my gag reflex pinch a little, but that's another story for another day involving childhood issues and a revulsion for pink and everything Barbie stands for. "Barbie", is touted as a ready to wear collection for "real women". Which is a little hilarious to me, but then again, I'm seeing a LOT of knee socks and romper length dresses...do "real women" wear this stuff? How does one expect to be taken seriously in a raspberry pink dress with a chartreuse wrapped pea coat? Oh, and knee socks. *giggle* However, the mod-inspired 60's look of the collection is refreshing with the avalanche of 80's crap that's been falilng off the runways lately. That part of the 60's can come back...it's allowed. I permit it.

Chartreuse pea coat? CHECK! Age Inappropriate knee socks? CHECK! Barf bag? oh no...

Oh the knee socks...and an age inappropriate dress with too many bows...I'm having a "Clueless" flashback to 1994.

Bustle Clothing-- Designed by a couple of bitchy laywers from Toronto, I'm convinced that Bustle clothing gets to show at LG Fashion week because the creative director is a perma-judge on Project Runway Canada. Convinced. He has to look legit right? What better way than to buy your way onto the runway? There's a lot of back scratching going on behind the scenes here...which isn't surprising. Fashion is seedier than the brokerage industry sometimes. Bustle's collection this season is for men...and not just ANY man. NO...the man who is OK with wearing several layers of cashmere and velvet. Velvet blazers...fine...velvet SUIT?
Please, ladies, don't do this to the men you love. They won't thank you, and they'll wash it in the regular wash instead of drycleaning it. I promise.

EW. Seriously. Would you date this? I wouldn't.

Shiny waxed suit...not MY idea of hot...but then again, I haven't been wrong yet.

GAH.
Cocolilly --If Madonna's "Like a Virgin" suddenly started playing in the background right now, I wouldn't be scared. There are pasties on this runway. Lindsay Lohan's Ungaro collection had pasties and it was PANNED. Perhaps because Cocolilly has frilly lacy pasties it'll be different...but I doubt it. But really, what goes better with a pouffy prom dress than...you guessed it...PASTIES! Cocolilly collection can be summed up in 3 themes...lace, 80's cutouts, knee socks. *BARF*

I swear I've seen this on Demi Moore on a worst dressed list somewhere in the early 90's. I swear.

Lacy Pasties!!!! BLUE SHOES!!!!!

Attitude by SEARS-- Yes, that was capitalized for a reason. SEARS is showing at LG Fashion Week....HOW did this happen. You too can see models decked in ill fitting skirts and blouses of polyester blend material strut their way down the runway of a prominent fashion week. Ther isn't much more to say about this collection...there were a few shining monents of chockingly well fitted tweed-looking wool-blend suits that were actually flattering...aaaand that's about it. Oh...and some lace and knee socks.

EWWWW BAGGY VINYL GLOVES!!!

This is the only thing I like off of this runway, and it's so Sears it hurts me.

Pink Tartan -- "Pretty, Polished, and Elegant" In a trashbag. Trashbag looking material is making a comeback...Biddel, Pink Tartan, they're rocking it. I know I'll be lining up to get MY form fitted trashbag dress to wear to the clubs. Question...how does a skirt that looks like it was made out of a ratty bearskin rug get squished under the "Pretty, Polished and Elegant" tagline? Also...structure is wonderful...sometimes it can be fabulous...but when did jodhpurs with wired out hip enhancements come back to the runway? John Galliano can get away with this...Pink Tartan, not so much.

There are so many things wrong with this...so so many. I have to admit I'm not understanding the "lets turn women into cylanders" trend...not hot.

Oh, I'm SO glad they got the garbage bag material memo. SO GLAD (TM).

All in all, what can we take away from Toronto Fashion Week in this 2010 Collection Review? Knee socks? Let's not and leave it for the school age girls. There are many lessons to be learned from LG Fashion week...and not all of them are about Fashion, but that's what we'll stick to for now.

One day, I'll tell you all how I really feel.

This Week in High Fashion: I've got my Knickers in a Knot...

2010-05-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here in Vancouver, as with many Canadian cities, there’s a little rag paper that gets thrust into your unwilling, frozen, or otherwise overburdened hands on your way to work in the morning….it’s call 24 hours. It’s a rag paper. Recycled news from other sources and some “local colour” thrown in for fun… As I rarely read what is so often strewn about the skytrain cabins, I was surprised to learn this morning that 24 hours has a FASHION section. REALLY. I can’t even reenact the look of shock on my face….which predictably enough, turned to a look of disgust and perhaps with even a dash of righteous indignation thrown in.

The reason for the indignation you ask? Well, not like it takes much for me to lose my shit about fashion and what certain people in certain positions of perceived power have to say about it…I give you…Twisted Panties. Oh yes…you heard me. Twisted Panites. Two ladies giving advice to poor downtrodden women about what they should wear, how to get into a relationship, maintain it once you’ve TRAPPED the poor bastard, and most importantly…the search for the perfect pair of jeans. BARF.
As if Cosmopolitan and Flare weren’t enough reason to curse your womb and beg for the sense of Maxim…

But I digress.
This morning, care of the ladies at Twisted Panties, I was presented with my dictated choices for best LBD. Anyone who’s read this blog before KNOWS how much I utterly loathe the phrase LBD…acronym or not. How have women been reduced to this? You’re nothing without the perfect little black dress. NOTHING!!!! AND WHY DON’T YOU LOVE CARRIE BRADSHAW LIKE WE DO??? Back the fuck off, you screeching bitches.
Some of us have better things to do with our lives than follow the misadventures of New York’s most rapidly aging 18 year old slut and her “bestest” friends. UGGGG.
Twisted Panties would like YOU, yes you, women of Vancouver…to buy these career making dresses from specific places…like Jacob, Banana Republic, the Bay etc. I think it’s not so much the dresses themselves, but it’s the way in which the dresses are presented that is really cutting off the circulation…

Quoting:
“…perfect for business travel, especially if you plan on seducing one of your co-workers”
“…in fact, it looks and feels better with nothing on underneath.”
“…the perfect LBD to wear to the Sex and the City 2 premiere!!!!!”

WOW it’s a really great thing that women have come so far in society that we can avoid those silly stereotypes of only getting ahead in the office if we put out, and thank GOD we all LOVE Sex and the City…we love it enough to go to the premiere in a $300 dress!!! And OMG it’s SO lucky that we’re all a size 0-2 because those dresses look SO horrible on those fat chicks. PHEW.

Hold on for just one hot mess of a minute.
Not everyone is a size zero…and we all know that Jacob just doesn’t fit right if you have a rack that’s anywhere over a B-cup. And hips? Hello…some of us (this bitter blogger included) have them…in spades…
Let’s ignore for a moment how annoyed I am with this article and explore instead something else…like other options in the little (insert colour here) dress category.
Why black? Yes, it looks great on everyone, yes, you can wear it to the office and then out to get laid with your co-workers after your workday, yes, you can wear it to the PTA meeting and then to seduce your child’s teacher…we get it.
How about some colour? How about some LOCAL colour???

Nightshade is all about the locals…and so…I give you some LOCAL, SUSTAINABLE, and dare I say it…AWESOME alternatives to the prohibitively BORING styles in today’s 24 hours fashion section…

Retro styles are always IN style…I know that Carrie isn’t wearing it, but give me a freaking break already, she’s also not usually wearing underwear…you try that in the summer in some of the skirts she’s wearing.

Scout Boutique ~ 152 East 8th Ave Vancouver
www.scoutboutique.com
Featuring a few gems from labels like Sweet Soul, Misty Greer (both Vancouver local) and Stop Staring…why the hell would you settle for black??? But if you MUST follow the crowd, at least do it in style.

Dress by Sweet Soul~Lace is going to be big in 2010...if you're going to hop on the trend boat, look hot while doing it.

Dress by Sweet Soul~ This dress looks hot on EVERYONE...regardless of bodyshape. Trust me on this one...these women, know boobies and butts.

"Paris" Dress by Stop Staring~ $130.00

"Ava" dress by Stop Staring~ $137.00

Retro kitten dress by Stop Staring~ $154.00

The thing about Vancouver, we’re pretty uptight about our environmentals…have you ever worn a soy cotton dress? I can’t even describe how amazing it feels on your skin…you should try it, for reals.

Planet Claire Sustainable Fashion~ 212 Abbott Street, Gastown
www.planetclaire.ca

Planet Claire is one of my favorite places and favorite people…she carries locally designed, sustainable/organic/upcycled clothing from some of the best labels around. Adhesif, Sweet Soul, Carny Love, Flora and Fauna, Lav and Kush, NATE Organics, and MORE…why the hell would you drag your ass into the Bay??? Seriously.

If you simply CAN’T live without a LBD, opt for a local, awesome option…
Flora and Fauna have some gorgeous black dresses that are classy, organic, and beautiful on EVERY bodytype…

The moral of the story kittens?
Well, there are two.
One, don’t let the quest for thr “perfect” LBD consume your life…there is better shit out there. Trust me.
Two, don’t ever say LBD in my presence, you will be shunned.

This Week in High Fashion: IN YOUR FACE LINDSAY LOHAN

2010-03-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

Yes...that's right...I found it...the article I've been waiting for!!!

Remember not so long ago, I made a post about Lindsday Lohan's misadeventures in High Fashion with her sponsor/victim, the Ungaro label???

I was SO pleased to come across this article the other day...so pleased in fact, that I had to share bits of it with all of you.

*ahem*

" (Reuters) - Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan's design career has ended after a single collection for Parisian label Emanuel Ungaro, leaving the fashion world divided over whether her work was a disaster or a much-needed bit of fun.

Ungaro designer Estrella Archs, who worked with Lohan on last year's widely panned show of buttock-revealing dresses and strippers' nipple stickers, showed her second Ungaro collection on Monday. She said Lohan had no hand in it.

"You have up and downs and you learn a lot, more from the downs than from the ups," Archs told reporters backstage when asked about the dire reviews of last year's show with Lohan, who acted as artistic adviser.

"I feel that I have to work, work, work and work ... I've been doing this for a long time, with different people and different houses, and I think this is the best medicine," said Archs, looking close to tears.

Their joint collection has just hit the shops, but Lohan has gone back to buying rather than producing fashion -- she was seen at Roberto Cavalli in Milan, and was invited to Dior in Paris on Friday, though she came late and missed the show."

Archs, with no entertainment career to fall back on, has stuck with Ungaro, turning out an autumn/winter collection of jewel-colored dresses, bustier tops and leopard print trousers.

The fashion house now appears to be uncertain over whether it should pretend the Lohan collection never happened, or be proud of its Hollywood connection.

A week before the show, Ungaro's press department firmly said that the actress was still working as artistic adviser. At the show, Archs said just as firmly that Lohan was not involved."

This is my favorite bit:
"The fashion house now appears to be uncertain over whether it should pretend the Lohan collection never happened, or be proud of its Hollywood connection."

From the looks of this picture...I think it's going to be a "pretend it never happened" kind of scenario.
I mean, look at this woman's face...Oh, Estrella...this is not the face of a collaboration an artist should be proud of...this is the face of bitter BITTER disappointment on a woman who knows that she is going to have to bust her buffet challenged ass to regain even a SHRED of the respect that the Ungaro name HAD before Little Miss LoHo got a hold of the design scissors...speaking of Lindsay...she looks ECSTATIC to be on the runway getting all the attention from strangers that she should have gotten from her parents. Aw.

One of these things is not like the other...

Full article here: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6273OS20100308

Total Facial, Lohan...total facial....but I'm sure you're used to that.

This Week in High Fashion: Ode to Alexander McQueen

2010-03-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Kittens...this is going to be my one and ONLY serious fashion related note...
From his debut years ago with the "bum jeans" (y'know, the ones that purposely showed ass crack and butt top-curve), to the reptilian madness of Plato's Atlantis for S/S '10, McQueen has always been an inspiration to me as an artist, and his final collection is a reminder of just how much more he had to give.

I was deeply shocked and saddened by the death of Alexander McQueen just a few weeks ago, and I wasn't quite sure how to find a way to put it into words...
Thankfully, the UK press are all over this shit, and they write brilliant things.
I thought it would be fitting to leave you all with a quote I found in "The Times: Online" from London which completely summarizes McQueen as a designer, and his unique vision of the modern woman, which I think we all need to hear sometimes.

Exerpt from: "The monster and god in Alexander McQueen"
"His woman as carapaced insect and rampaging predator is everywhere in today’s hard tailoring, industrial handbags and lethal shoes. His view of femininity was a highly complex one. He saw woman as both the victim and the predator, the spider and the fly — often at one and the same time. The McQueen woman was tough but romantic. Decked in lethal-looking horns, with jewellery that turned her hands into weapons, she was a fearsomely beautiful and strangely attractive sight; wearing an evening dress made entirely of real hydrangea heads in the softest shades of mauve and pink, she was a fragile beauty. Yet no matter how romantic McQueen's woman appeared, she was always strong, never vulnerable.

She was also deeply sensual. When, at the end of McQueen’s SS99 show, Shalom Harlow was sprayed violently with paint, she seemed to symbolise woman as victim: it didn’t take much imagination to see the powerful jets of liquid that were soaking her as some strange, mechanical, orgasmic moment. Yet despite first impressions, for the model it was a sexual awakening and a freeing of the spirit; the victim-predator conundrum was always present.

McQueen was the first fashion designer to realise that our fascination with — and revulsion at — the natural world is often closely linked with sexual feelings. The sinuous threat of the serpent, the biting mandibles of the scorpion — they all attract as well as repulse, and they were all used by him to the same effect. He was drawn to the merciless indifference and random cruelty of the animal kingdom: the leopard overpowering the wildebeest, the shark devouring the baby seal.

Above all, he turned the wanton cruelty of the natural world into clothes of exquisite beauty, season after season. He transformed the vulgarity of S&M into the sophistication displayed by Daphne Guinness, a customer who fully understood his aesthetic and loved it for its quiet elegance and authority. At other times it could, of course, be in-your-face confrontational, forcing us to examine our prejudices about good and bad taste.

On his runways, McQueen made many statements that reflected his restless, roving imagination. He fed on all aspects of life, from films such as "They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?" to models acting as women trapped in a mental institute, to the fears we have of butterflies and birds. Time and again he returned to the biological world, almost as if he were trying to create a new paradigm of femininity: half-woman, half-creature.

He was also a clever entrepreneur who knew how to attract and retain notoriety. Bumster trousers, women with blood running down their legs, a double amputee as a model — he would shock us and, while doing so, expose our individual little skeletons in our private cupboards. Gothic horror always hovered over his runways as a reminder that life is cruel — especially, perhaps, for women — but in that cruelty lies a strange, compulsive beauty."

Full article:
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/fashion/article7039628.ece

The final 16 piece collection, was shown to a handful of journalists and collegues, at a Parisian mansion belonging to the Gucci conglomerate, of which McQueen's fashion house was a subsidiary of.
Personally, I think it's brilliant...renaissance, baroque, hopeful, sensual, and luxurious...and the only place I have ever seen the thigh high cavalier boot WORK and look sexy and powerful, and NOT slut-tastic.
Fashion weeks will never be the same without him.

McQueen hand-cut each of these patterns ’on the stand’ and chose the fabrics, many of them embroidered with gold thread or printed with Botticelli angels
(commentary by fashion editor Lisa Armstrong, Times Online)

The designs featured statues or religious scenes digitally reproduced from the paintings of Hieronymus Bosch and Hugo van der Goes and woven into the cloth
(commentary by fashion editor Lisa Armstrong, Times Online)

I think this is my favorite piece...restrained, yet sensual...the embrace of tight flawless tailoring, and the flow of delicate material...

Suits like this one...featured signature workmanship - curtain folds of silk satin or mini panniers, embroidered griffons prowling velvet hems, angels’ wings - much more like couture than ready-to-wear
(commentary by fashion editor Lisa Armstrong, Times Online)

I love the drama and delicacy of this piece...golden feathers...and a perfect McQueen fit.

This Week in High Fashion: PARIS FASHION WEEK!!!

2010-03-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: PARIS FASHION WEEK!!!

I admit, I have Paris on the brain…and knowing me, it’ll be the only thing I’m thinking about until about the day before it happens, and then I’ll be in panic mode….without fail. It’s my MUA MO (Makeup Artist Modus Operandi)…I plan and plan and plan and plan for WEEKS leading up to a shoot, and then the day before, I realize that I haven’t actually made any props, or found the fabric I wanted or something dramatic that I inevitably blow out of proportion…freak out, get drunk, wail about my nerves, and then pass out without actually doing anything I should have been…and then go to my shoot the next day and turn out an amazing product (if I do say so myself). If you think I’m joking…you should ask my husband what he goes through week after week after glorious week.

But I’m losing my train of thought yet again. PARIS. PARIS PARIS PARIS PARIS. I love Paris Fashion week. Last year I was very very upset with Paris…but I think they’re coming crawling back to me…unlike Flare, who’s offices should be burnt to the ground and then churned into the ground to make way for an Esso station.

Years and years ago, much to my mother's dismay, I started watching Fashion Television on a semi-religious basis…it was a fabulous place where cities like London, Paris and Milan were the beacons of world fashion…everyone wanted to be there, I wanted to be there…I never wanted to be a model though…that looked boring…and some of the clothes were fucking awful…but that was also the 80’s and early 90's.
These days…some things have changed… London, Paris and Milan are still the beacons of world fashion, but they’re not the only ones anymore…I still watch Fashion Television and Jeanne Becker’s mouth still terrifies me…I still want to be there…and not as a model either...and sometimes the fashion is still shit. The one thing that has changed…I’m going to be there…soon. *evil laughter commences*

*ahem*

ON to the FASHION!
Pret-a-Porter means “Ready to Wear” which also means, please buy it off the runway so that the designer can make his crazy Haute Couture lines that no one but Lady Gaga buys. I’ll let you decide for yourselves my dearests what of these collections is ACTUALLY ready to wear, and what’s ready for the bin.

Gaultier….this man could send his models down the runway in recycled half-dirty milk jugs and I would still laud him to the angels on high until doomsday rained down upon us all. He’s that awesome. Luckily, he dresses his models better than that, so I can still feel justified in my praise singing.
I LOVE what’s happening in Gaultier’s F/W collection…top hats for everyone, sexy black draping fabrics,

Gaultier...can't say I love the skirt...but the hat is where it's at for SURE.

I’m also happy to see this…the return of the infamous yet fabulous cone bra…while not on the Madonna scale, it’s understated, but still very raw and very sexual. Like a cone bra should be. I'm not sure what's happening with the headwrap or the gloves...but she's working it so I"m not complaining.

LOVE this so much. She's like a housewife with a secret...hidden in her turban.

My only issue in this collection…Gaultier is very fond of face cut-outs…he’s used them a LOT in past collections…and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. This particular example looks warm and the colours are very pretty…but also looks a little stupid unless you’re on your way up the mountains in Nepal…then you’d fit in JUST fine and very very stylish in the meantime.

Face in the Hole ~ Paris Edition

It also reminds me of this…

Face in the Hole ~ Baywatch Edition

Russian Designer Valentin Yudashkin gives me what I’m expecting from a ready-to-wear show…something that is wearable, albeit a little boring…and totally overdone from LAST SEASON. Oops…. Did I say that out loud? I did. Oh dear.
See for yourselves….
I don’t even have to bring out poor Geena Davis’ Oscar gown for a 3rd time for you all to know just how horridly overplayed this look is. The rest of the skirt looks like an afterthought…a sewing room moment of “oh fuck…ahh no one will notice”….I noticed. Nicely done.

*snore*

The best part about this next piece, is that it took 2 designers to make it happen…Junko Shimada and Francois Agostini. And I’m not talking about this like it’s a good thing. TWO people agreed that this was not only wearable, but desirable….a good fashion choice…something the modern woman would WANT to wear…
I don’t think I can talk about this dress anymore.

This is just laughable...is it PVC? Is it fabric? Is that fur? Are those REALLY dangling plastic hearts?

Bitter bitter hearts.

Everyone knows how much I’m beginning to loathe Karl Lagerfeld… I don’t hide my feelings from you, kittens…I can’t…I just can’t. WTF is happening here? It’s a jersey (one of Chanel’s favorite fabrics) dress with FUR BOOTIES and cuffs that would make Liberace blush a different tone of orange. And I’m sorry…is that WATER on the runway??? Is the model stomping in a puddle while posing???

Wooing the mightly Sasquatch...it's difficult...but rewarding.

Same with this next one…I see the foundation of a gorgeous piece of Chanel wool suiting... and then a FUR SKIRT. It doesn’t even look like fur…it looks like hair…I’m stunned that ANYONE thinks Karl Lagerfeld is a genius. If anyone else had done with Chanel what HE did with Chanel, they would call it an absolute rip off and a sullying of the brand...
I repeat...STUNNED.

If the Yeti ever decided to take a mistress…this is what she would dress like.

Oh, and I can't forget to mention this little chromed gem...this piece is from Lagerfeld's OWN line...I can't explain it, and I'm sure he can't either....but he'll tell you it's brilliant and important regardless.

Space Case @ Lagerfeld...the same crazy you've come to expect from years of tight collars and unecessary over-fanning.

John Galliano…like Gaultier…is an actual genius…not a fake one like Lagerfeld….he doesn’t need to SAY that he’s a genius, or an alien (yes, I will keep bringing that up until I forget about it)…he just IS.
But I have to say this…and I hope I will only have to say it once…he slips up sometimes.
WTF is happening here? WTF is on her head? How the FUCK is this ready-to-wear? Ready to shave, or ready to take for a walk perhaps…but not ready to wear…

I'm not sure what this is...

But this is a dog called a Komondor...it looks similar.

I’d actually love to know what the story behind this runway show is…because you know by now that they ALL have stories…this to me, looks like something about a Tibetan Geisha lost in the snow or in the midst of moving with her tribe and their horses to the Winter steppes…while looking fabulous the entire time. Perhaps she is the bride of Genghis Khan (or one of the 4…but let’s not quibble over history)…traveling to meet her husband for the first time.
*sigh*

LOVE

Or a Renaissance era Turkish socialite/lady about town traveling through Asia Minor on her way to Damascus to buy dates for her children and shoes for herself….
I can make up romantic runway stories all damn day and not concentrate on the “real” world.

This is oddly beautiful...I'm not sure what I love about it...perhaps the "I dream of Jeannie" hat/veil combo.

Viktor & Rolf get the WTF prize for Paris Fashion Week…ESPECIALLY for the fact that this is supposed to be READY to WEAR…not “ready to prop in the corner and drape real clothing over”…holy shit.
This poor model…it’s a good thing she’s tall, otherwise, we wouldn’t know that she had a head.

I can't even comment on how stupid this model looks....and how pleased the designers look...

And I’m all for emphasizing the female shape…but SERIOUSLY? You made these pieces and put a price tag on them????

AUGH!
It looks like a pleated bucket!
Maybe I can wear it with my Isaac Mizrahi fishbowl boot/shoes.

The Maggie Simpson award…for Martin Margiela…who put his ENTIRE Winter collection on one model and pushed her out onto the runway for our amusement. She looks thrilled.

Winter sucks.

Maggie hates Winter too.

The Ghost of Barcelona Fashion Week’s’ Past…..
*Psycho theme music plays*

I can't even fathom HOW this is Pret-a-Porter.

Vivienne Westwood is a frightening little lady…and luckily for me…so is her Ready to Wear collection…I don’t’ know that I like anything about the pieces she showed in Paris this week…which is a change for me, because normally…I love her abnormality. But for some reason, this collection totally grates on me.
Maybe it’s the mismatched fabrics, maybe it’s the overpoweringly fugly tights, maybe it’s the red shoes, maybe it’s the model’s expression…I don’t know…but it’s bleh for me.

Vivienne Westwood designs for the crazy cat lady in all of us.

But I like the crown.

That’s how I feel right now, Vivienne…like a fucking queen in a paper hat.
It’s awesome.
Paris, when I get there, you’d better be as awesome as I’ve been pretending you are all these years…..

This Week in High Fashion: The OSCARS

2010-03-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: The OSCARS

Like many of the postings I make about fashion, I’m rarely there to see it in action…I just give you, my lovelies, all my first opinions on the photos I happen to dig up…most of the time, I don’t even go back and edit…this is ALL from the gut…the raw, red, smelly gut. Now you know my secret, kittens…deep down, I’m instinctually a very judgmental, reactive, catty, and critical person…but it’s not a BAD thing…this is all to your benefit! Really. Think of all the fashion crimes you would have unknowingly committed if I wasn’t here to advise you!

I wish I had been at the Oscars last night…or, to put it bluntly, I wish that I was there a few hours before and was present at a few dress fittings…seriously, the amount of money that the starlets pay their stylists should be going to a better equipped source…

I was actually stunned by all the bad shit I saw flouncing down that red carpet…there were obviously moment of brilliance…but while there were shining stars, there were always the inevitable ones that just kept the proverbial ball rolling downhill from last year.

Let’s take a peek shall we?

Sandra Bullock in Marchesa….
Now, while some people were uber generous and said nice things like “already a winner in this perfectly fitted silver Marchesa…” I’m sitting here cringing in my chair thinking about chewing on some tinfoil…because that’s what this dress looks like. WTF Sandra? You’re married to a badass biker dude, and you show up in a foiled baked potato dress? With some lace accents?? The metallic tone of the dress is way too harsh on her pale skin, the cut isn’t flattering…oh, and the metallic bar of soap-shaped purse/thing…classy touch. Of course I also have to comment on the picture perfect hair…which looks a little awkward in my opinion… Maybe this look wouldn’t have been quite as bad with an updo or maybe not the bright pink lip? Maybe? I love Sandra Bullock, even though her nose scares me a little…

Look at her face...someone's stylist got fired this morning.
At least you got an Oscar, Sandra...at least you got an Oscar.

Carey Mulligan in Prada.
Now, I’m not exactly sure who she is, or why she was at the Oscars…but isn’t she adorable? Love the hair, love the dress, the earrings are a bit much, but overall, well done.
I particularly like the dress details…I didn’t know Prada was into this kind of stuff, but I’m really digging it…and if you’ll notice, there are implements on Miss Milligan’s dress to help me out with it. One review called them “goth-y details”…I’m not sure that I can even comment on that comment with a straight face, but if eating utensils have now become “goth-y details”, it’s time to change genre leanings.

Goth-y?
Only if she's eating her feelings with her dress embellishments afterwards...

Zoe Saldana in Riccardo Tisci for Givenchy.
What the hell am I supposed to say about this dress? Let’s start with a tried and true favorite that I never get tired of expostulating. WTF Zoe. There were 2 different things happening with this dress…a good one (the bodice) and a bad one (everything else).
I actually found a photo of the muppet that died to make your Oscar dress, Zoe….
Her name is Lulu. I hope you feel horrible.

Zoe hates muppets. I love her shoes.

This is Lulu. RIP my little muppet friend.

Kate Winslet in Yves St Laurent.
Now, I generally have issues with YSL because their style is too mannish and boxy…but I love this. I also not too long ago totally flamed Sandra Bullock for wearing tinfoil…this is a tone of silver that is totally acceptable…it doesn’t make Miss W look too pale, and washed out, and it doesn’t make her look like a steak’s side dish accompaniment. My only complaint, the skirt is boring…but that’s it….I am also shocked.

I have nothing bad to say about this...except that the skirt is horrendously awkward.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries Van Noten.
I love me some Maggie G, I really do. But she rides a very slippery fashion slope. Sometimes, she’s awesome…other times…not so much.
I’m on the fence about this dress to be honest. I love the style of it and how it fits Maggie’s bony little butt and ribcage (you know I can’t say curves, don’t be pissy). But I have an issue with the pattern (and the bubblegum pink lips…uggh)….she looks ready for a lei and a tiki drink, and while that’s just fine by me, it’s a little inappropriate for the Oscars. But then again, from the looks of the guest lists at some of these prestigious awards shows, they might not even notice a coconut bra or two… Go for it, Maggie…I’m saving a hair flower for you.

Light the tiki torches, Maggie's here to par-tay!

Jennifer Lopez in Armani Prive.
I might just be the only person in the world to blog about Jennifer Lopez and this dress who uses the words “I loathe” in a sentence about it. It’s glittery, it’s shimmery, it’s frothy, it’s creamy…it’s a pink, bloaty, milky, latte of a dress, and I LOATHE it. There…I said it. LOATHE. And it’s not just the colour (puke) it’s the awkward cut of the bodice, and the weird waterfall of fabric happening at the side, which looks like it should be happening at the back…I’m not wrong here either…from this angle, it looks completely awkward and pretty pointless as a “detail”. It’s a mess, and from JLo’s grin, she wants you all to forget all about it and look at her pert derriere instead. That’s the only reason I can fathom for her wearing this dress…because there are no ruffles and rouching to cover her “famous” giant ass.

EW. I can feel my lactose intolerance bubbling up just looking at this glittery mess.

Kristin Stewart in Monique Lhuillier.
Number one, I’m surprised to see Kristin Stewart here because that would mean that someone somewhere thinks she’s been in a real movie. And we all know that’s just not true.
Number two, I’m surprised she doesn’t have her similarly unwashed arm candy with her.
Number three, I’m surprised that I actually love this dress and I think she looks stunning, because in general, Kristin normally looks a complete fright.
But perhaps that’s the point. I don’t understand kids these days.

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham
This family should give lessons in ladder climbing.
While I’m sure her mother picked out this dress, I think it’s unfair to always brand Miley as “looking like she’s wearing prom dress again”….she’s 17. She’s SUPPOSED to look like she’s wearing a prom dress. As much as I hate everything that is Miley Cyrus including the source of her genetic material, I think she looks great. As great as childhood exploitation can look, there it is.

That's right Miley, slouch so they know you're a teenager.

Molly Ringwald in….no one really seems to know…
Or maybe no one wants to step up and admit to designing it.
I don’t have a problem with the dress per-se…or the colour (love the purple)…it’s the combination of awkward “modern” jewelry, draped “goddess” styling, and Molly’s own painful carrot hair and pale skin that just give this whole look a shudder effect.
Not to mention…Molly….nice duckface honey.

I don't know if I love or hate this, but the general swing is towards hate. Esepcially that fugly "modern" belt.

Rachel McAdams in Eli Saab Haute Couture
In my sainted opinion…THIS is what a “cool” blond should wear. Now when I say cool, I don’t mean “wow, she’s really awesome to hang out with, super laid back and stuff…what a cool chick”. How the fuck would I know that? I'm talking about skin tones. Ash blondes, with a blue undertone to the skin (opposite of peaches and cream) look amazing in pale greens, blues and grey shades…like this dress. I love everything about this look. Pale lips, not too overdone on the hair and eyes, understated and uber elegant. LOVE it.

♥

Vera Farmiga in Marchesa
WELL, looks like someone came out on the wrong side of a coffee filter fight…or perhaps got carried away during a cupcake baking session?
What the hell is happening with all those ruffles? It’s like home-ec gone wrong. YES, its raspberry…yes, she was the only one working that colour. But it looks stupid, and a little bird told me that she could barely walk in it! Hardly fair to make a woman look that bad and then compound it by taking away her power to run away from her tormenters. So cruel.

EEW!

Sarah Jessica Parker in Chanel Couture.
WHYYYYYYYY am I the only one who thinks that SJP is scary beyond all reason?
Karl Lagerfeld has been designing for Chanel since 1983. And I think it’s starting to show.
It actually doesn’t look bad from the front, very sleek, very 1920’s Coco…I even like the strop across the collarbones…but then….*movie scream* WTF is happening with the ass of this dress!?! SERIOUSLY.

See, classy in the front, nightmare in the back.

This is a bag. A bag made of silk, with a designer label and a couple of roses thrown on for “elegance”. Matthew Broderick looks like he’s a little afraid of his wife. I would be too.

Scary beyond all reason. Seriously.

Charlize Theron in Dior Couture
Last year there was the Giant Prada Bow debacle…and this year, it’s the Rosette debate. Is it pretty, is it heinous, is it hilarious…the answer to all of these questions, is yes. But mostly the last one. I have to say that I love the colours at work in this piece…two tones of the same shade are always a win colour-wise….but then there’s the details. I’ve seen comments about this dress mentioning “cinnabon” and other pastry related things…but I think Princess Leia would be proud. I actually have more of a problem with the train on this dress. The train is attached to the back of the dress, right at the bottom of Charlize’s ass…and that’s it. Sooooo is it really supposed to be there? Take away the lighter shade train, and you’ve got a really hot Dior dress. Even with the rosette bra.

Chop off the train, and all is forgiven. No "defending the dress" interviews to be had. Everyone wins.

Amanda Seyfried in Armani Prive
Now kittens, this is what a “cool” blond –shouldn’t- wear.
Do you see the difference? Poor little Amanda is totally lost in the icy blue of her dress, and the tight hairstyle doesn’t help either… This could be fixed (maybe) with a warm lip colour, and a less severe hair-do…something softer to downplay the structure of the gown perhaps. What is it with Armani Prive and side issues this season? Were they having folding issues on the assembly line? I can see the memo now “Side pleats, ruffles and slits are the NEW thing. Put them on EVERYTHING!!!”
Bleh.

Diane Kruger in Chanel.
*le sigh*
Ordinarily I love Chanel.
I really do. But lately, I just can’t stomach it. Another Lagerfeld designed sack with too many ruffles. Now, I do like that Lagerfeld sticks to the classic Chanel colours and tries to stay true to Mademoiselle Coco’s unique aesthetic and style…but this is just too much. Poor little Diane, maybe she’ll do better next year.
As a sidebar, I got this photo from the Edmonton Journal (in my experiences in Edmonton, they are the last people who should be commenting on fashion that isn’t parka or Oiler’s inspired), who have a distinct predilection for close cropping photos to save on printing costs perhaps? Lazy editors? I dunno…but regardless…nice work (yes, that was irony…itchy isn’t it).

Poor Diane.

Nicole Richie in Reem Acra
I have two questions here. What has Nicole Richie done in this life to get a spot on the red carpet to attend the Oscars? Maybe she’s a celebrity seat filler…
Why does everyone seem to hate this dress? It reminds me of classic MiuMiu…which I haven’t seen anywhere for the LONGEST time…I quite like this dress. Retro styling, and it actually makes Nicole look the least trashy I think I’ve seen in a looooong time. She actually looks classy. I’m impressed, yet disturbed by her presence here.

Yes, I do like this dress. No, I don't respect Nicole Richie.

This Week in High Fashion: Oh My Gawd….SHOES

2010-03-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Oh My Gawd….SHOES

Often times when viewing a collection, a magazine spread, a look book, or anything to do with fashion…what are we all looking at? The clothes of course…well, some of us look at other things…I obsess over hair and makeup and the model’s posing, others focus on the accessories, like handbags and jewelry…and a precious few drool all over whatever the model has on her feet. Unfortunately for most people, being tall means you have big flipper feet…which is no fun because everyone knows that shoes only look cute if they’re size 7 or smaller. *le sigh* What I wouldn’t give to see a high fashion model with size 11 feet clomping down the runway. Alas, the gods are never so kind.

I know quite a few shoe fetish gals (and even a few guys…let’s not discriminate) so my darlings…from the runways of the world…this is for you…

If you’ll notice in my past note, Cavalli makes me a little nauseous…and little nostalgic for my days in the Anthropology department at UVIC. Cavalli is overly fond of animal prints and fur this season…and I know a LOT of ladies who are super into animal print, and more power to ya…but I just can’t do it.
This being the case, I was a little surprised that I liked the Just Cavalli shoe selection that came out in Milan…straps and brocade…a little bit baroque, a little bit bordello. It’s not a bad mix…and it’s certainly not animal print. *clappity clappity*

Classy and Cavalli don't always go together...but I like these. I don't think I could walk very far...but I like them.

Isaac Mizrahi…I’ve talked to you before about your predilection for garbage wear…and comebacks. I have to admit, I’m a little perplexed as to:
a) Why you were permitted to show at NY Fashion week…but then again, as Toronto Fashion week has been overtaken by QVC, why the hell not. Target’s probably a sponsor, so you had an inside track already.
b) HTF (as in wHo the fuck) are you dressing these days?
c) WTF is happening with this rain-pump? Is it a shoe? Is it a bootie? Is it waterproof? Is it a cleverly designed bucket? Is the bottom slippery? WTF Isaac. Seriously.

These would look so cool with fish swimming in them. I think I'll buy a pair at Target and then get a new Siamese Fighting fish and a little water plant. Cool.

Ahhhh Blumarine. I used to think you were classy, Blumarine…and then…then I saw your Milan Fall/Winter 2010/2011 collection…next year, Blumarine wants us all to dress like that extra special auntie that we all have…you know the one I’m talking about… The one who always insists on buying you clothing that you hate, that also happens to be one size too big. I have an aunt like this…one year, she got me socks with leopard printed fun-fur on the top, and matching gloves…I love her to bits…but holy shit am I glad she stopped buying me clothes.
Blumarine has several options for your animal printed needs…
The ssssexy ssssslouchy sssnakessskin, which probably only looks good with metallic leggings (please refer to this post to complete your ensemble (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Vancouver-BC/Makeup-and-Hair-by-Kat/122609919268?v=app_2347471856#!/note.php?note_id=251680471003)

SSSsssskanky!

The slouchy white tiger accident waiting to happen…

White Tiger? Really? Is this Cavalli or Sigfried?

Oh oops…the fringed zebra bootie result…this is what happens when zebra’s are slouchy…they get caught by something cheetah printed, like Lindsay Lohan’s leggings…and poof…bad fashion happens.

Zebra down!!

Proof positive of why I think that Barcelona fashion week is a joke…Manuel Bolano. WTF is happening here? Tuxedo shirt ruffles from the 70’s , down the front of elephant grey pants (um…what about a lavender grey, or a dove grey? WHY elephant grey?!) fluffy ankle warmer, moon-boot looking things, and then the elephant grey clog-boot-platform heels. WTF. I wish I could do larger font because I am BAFFLED by this. I’m glad we can’t see the models face, because she probably looks about as ill as this photo makes me feel.

There's an elephant in the room...and I'm talking shit about it.

Now, as much as I go on and on and on about how much I absolutely ABHOR DSquared2’s sense of fashion…I absolutely 180’d on these shoes. HOLY awesome. Now, I have to say that it looks to me like D2 is ripping off McQueen’s brilliant shoes from his Spring show (Plato’s Atlantis)…but you be the judge…
Yes, I know it’s a spine, and spine’s are different than reptile and mechanical…but seriously…I can’t give D2 that much credit.

These shoes have more spine than the designers. Literally.

I see you D2...ripping of McQueen's style...ripping of McQueen's style...

Prada Prada Prada…I can’t say enough how much I totally love your 60’s high school prom princess/secretary look. Cable knit tights and open toes t-strap strappy heels with a bow?? Eeeeeeeeeee! Love Love Love. You’re making the holy ghost of Audrey Hepburn cry, you seriously are, and it’s not because she’s sad that Paris Hilton wants to look like her. These are happy tears.

Prada cuteness!

The Audrey is pleased.

My favorite “WTF is happening here” moment goes to Aminaka Wilmont…2010 Autumn/Winter. Are these rainboot covers? So you can wear your favorite blue suede heels without worrying about getting them wet? Perhaps it’s fashionable to look like you’ve got hooves or black lumps for feet now? Did I miss that trend?
The ting about these is…at first, I thought they were overshoes, but now that I look closer, it’s not…the shoe is ACTUALLY designed this way. Snaps up at the top for that snug, leg-slimming effect….NOT. These look like they were fashioned out of a vinyl record that was left in the sun for too long.

WTF. Seriously. WTF.

Better.

The “70’s Disco Moment” award goes to Victorio & Lucchino at Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week. I love these boots. I actually love them a lot. Would I wear them? No. Why? Because like that creepy uncle who’s company you really do enjoy, the hug lingers just a little too long…

Dancing Queen, eat your heart out.

SHOE-GASM ALERT!
Dennis Basso Fall 2010 at NY Fashion week. That’s all I have to say about that.

HOT HOT HOT
and possibly spiky. But perhaps this will cut down on those pesky people who like to forget about personal space and get all up close when you're walking in the mall...hi-YAH! *spike*

Project Runway winner Christian Siriano seriously rocks my world. Another borrowing from the McQueen awesomeness of Spring 2010, I super love these Baroque swirly chrome heels. Mega Fierce.

Chromed hotness.

Sea coral hotness.
I see the similar.

Pamela Roland…you give me another cause to pause…WTF (Why the fuck) did you bling out these spats? WHY. Spats are supposed to be classy…a la Scrooge McDuck…

these…are so not classy.

Spats...spats are hot. But these are not.

Ladies...if you want beautiful and classy spats, go visit my friend Claire in gastown…she has some hot spats in her hot store. http://www.planetclaire.ca

And now my dears...I leave you with one of my new favorite things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA

Betch.

This Week in High Fashion: Milan Madness…2010 Edition!

2010-03-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Milan Madness…2010 Edition!

That’s right possums…I’m back from vacation, and wow did I ever miss a LOT of fashion while I was away…..for SHAME!
But it’s not my fault….really it’s not…I was all caught up in Olympic fever…swept away by the sea of red and white….ok not really. I was hiding in my house away from the crazy people downtown with your ugly mittens and scary patterned pants.

There are other, more important things happening in the world right now…like MILAN FASHION WEEK. HELL-O….priorities, people…where are your priorities!?!

Who was showing at Milan Fashion week? Only the best of the best…that’s what I expect from Milan. Last year…I was a tad disappointed. This year…it feels much the same….although, my levels of confusion have lowered slightly.

Even as far back as October 2009, I was having issues with DSqaured2…and the fact that they’re coming across as not only the fakest of the fakey-fakes…really…how many of you would like to bet that Dan and Dean have EVER been camping? Like “outside” camping? Anyone? I thought not….but the blatent exploitation of Canadian stereotypes is losing it’s “camp” value…yes, I said camp again…but in a completely different context and meaning. Did everyone catch that? Sweet.
I’m still having problems with D2…I will probably always have problems with them. I accept this.

Fall/Winter 2010/11, it looks like Dan and Dean have forgotten the Canadian schtick…but remembered to put some dramatic makeup on the runway and decorate the place with a few awkwardly swaddled male model in the corner…which is great, because when D2 models turn sideways, they all but disappear…wtf is that about? I’m glad we have something else to focus on.

All I can see is the beefy guy wrapped in bandaids...it's probably for the best.

I've noticed that a lot of designers are paying homage to McQueen by copying his shoe construction… thumbs up for that, D2…but then again, or as usual, D2 is about a season behind, and the rest of their collection looks like is belongs to late 90’s Versace, right down to the giant inappropriate sunglasses…hmmm.

Late 90's Versace...comin atchaaaaaa....oh...wait...*ahem* DSquared2 Fall/Winter 2010/2011

I couldn’t find many pictures of the D2 collection…but this is probably a good thing, as I only saw one thing I liked…

I would actually wear this.
I'm actually sad about that.

Oh look…fur.
Hate you even more now D2.

Pew Pew Pew

I can't help but wonder if this is Canadian grown and slaughtered fur...bastards.

Seduzioni Diamonds Valeria Marini Fall/Winter 2010/11 gets an honorable mention for 2 reasons. 1) Longest most useless “never heard of you” designer name ever. 2) GORGEOUS hair and makeup. Thank you for bringing Hollywood glamour back to the catwalk. Veronica Lake is pleased. Not big on the dress, or anything else in this line…but hey…makeup!

LOVE

Dolce & Gabbana…showed both of their lines in Milan…one line, I LOVED….the other one…not so much.
LOVED the classic Dolce & Gabbana…tailoring, sexy suiting…oh yeah…even with just underpants. If I could look like that in a suit, I wouldn’t wear pants to work either.

How can you NOT want to break into spontaneous hot Chorus Line moves? I would.

I get the fact that the D&G label is supposed to be fun and sporty and stuff…I get that. But are you freaking kidding me? I wondered where DSquared had lost their Canadiana…and now I know how found it and I don’t want to know where they found it.
Do I REALLY see reindeer on those sock-boots? REALLY? And WTF is all that crap hanging off the purse? It’s Richmond Night Market cell phone bling/ornamentation isn’t it…ISN’T IT!!!???!!!

Yes, there are reindeer on those booties.

Oh…and as if the sock booties weren’t enough…they made entire ski (?) suits out of this crap…in material that looks better suited to a speed skating rink than a model who likely doesn’t do any physical activity of any kind that doesn’t involve lifting a cigarette to her face or clomping around in those giant furry boots…yikes. I'm sorry...are those Swarovski encrusted ski goggles? They ARE? YIKES.

There is so much wrong with this image that I can't even begin to type it all out...just drink in the horror...

I'm blinded by the bad taste.

Also getting a special WTF mention this week…is Bianca Gervasio designing for Mila Schon…
Now…I have to acknowledge that I say this quite often when no one’s listening…
Those who can’t do, teach…and those who can’t dress themselves, design clothing lines. I’m always amazed to see dumpy little women designing clothing for tall size 0 women instead of for women who come in a similar size.

"One of these things is not like the others...one of these things just doesn't belong...la la lala la"

WHY would you do this to yourself? If you’re a real woman…design clothes for REAL women. Leave the rest for Donatella Versace…we all know she’s not human.

*MOVIE SCREAM*

Salvatore Ferragamo used to design beautiful clothing for women…feminine, detailed, flattering…

Salvatore in better womenswear days

and then somewhere along the way, he decided that women needed to look like men to be attractive.

Salvatore dresses gorgeous women like men...

Is it because it's comfortable? Or do women REALLY feel that they have to dress as men and drown their femininity to get ahead in the work world?

Interesting.
Salvatore and Isaac Mizrahi should get together and have a little chit-chat. Oh…his handbags and shoes are still to DIE for though. He can keep making those.

Ignore the Carrie Bradshaw action...focus on the feathery purse. FOCUS.

Cavalli. Anytime I see Lindsay Lohan in any kind of audience, I want to scream. How this little trainwreck gets into these events, I’ll never know. But I could say the same for the the Jersey Shore whores who keep crashing A-list parties. They’re all so sneaky.

Lindsay will steal your soul and sell it for coke money.

Thankfully for Lindsay Lohan, Cavalli is keeping is slutty this season…so she’ll feel RIGHT at home.
For the discerning Neolithic prostitute, Cavalli is the ONLY place to shop.

Neolithic Prostitute, hard at work.

Shredded and layered animal print and fur, how can you go wrong with that? The just REEKS of style and class…..can you smell the irony? I can. Mmmmmm.

I have to say, that I'm also extreeeeemely disappointed that I can’t even drag myself out of this slutty funk with the much needed class of Emporio Armani and Prada…and why is this you ask? The two examples I could find, were steadfastly disappointing...

Armani, are we channeling Tim Burton? Last season I saw gloves as scarves...now WTF is this? As stunning as this model is, all I can think of is Nightmare Before Christmas..."I am the one hiding under your stairs...fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair..." Tim Burton didn't mention anything about Armani, but I bet his mosters are stylish.

Prada's runway could have been my mother's graduating class from East Van High circa 1964...

Oh Milan…have you really abandoned me like Paris did last season??

This Week in High Fashion: XXI Olympiad----STYLE WATCH!

2010-03-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: XXI Olympiad----STYLE WATCH!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010 at 11:16pm

Due to an overwhelming wave of reader requests (ahem...one request), I've decided to waive my fear of being lambasted by my fellow Canadians (and really anyone who's an Olympic supporter) to comment on the Olympic Fashion (or non fashion) happening in this glorious XXI'st Olympiad...

*puts on protective gear*

Now...down to business.
As always...I am here to critique style...and well...as it usually turns out, I critique pretty much everything else too.
On February 13th, I, like much of the rest of the world and those here in Vancouver who didn't spring for $1,500 tickets, settled down with a Heineken or three to watch the Opening Ceremonies...

Now...it might just be me and my gutter mind...but I saw a lot of phallic images on that world stage...and when I say a lot...I mean...A LOT. The torch was bad enough (shame on you, Bombardier, you dirty aviation birdies, you.)...

but 4 GIANT phalluses...riiiiiiiising from the floor of GM place in an ORGY of WELCOME.....*ahem*....what....you didn't see 4 GIANT penis'??? GRANDLY and IMPRESSIVELY rising out of the floor??? Suuuuuure you didn't. And if you really didn't...take another look...I bet that's all you see now.

A little bird told me that this Olympics was ALL about fashion...and why shouldn't it be? We're trying our damndest to make all of Vancouver look like Yaletown, so why not bring in some high fashion designers to help make sure that this transformation is complete!
http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Olympic+celebrities+sport+tasteful+costumes+Dsquared2/2552247/story.html

Now those of you who follow my posts know just how much DSquared2 make me want to vomit all over my Canadian content sweatgear...but are you SERIOUS? I've also realized that through watching TV interviews, that these 2 men are perhaps some of the most annoying people on the planet...if not the 2 most annoying...followed closely by Miley Cyrus, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Courtney Love.

But yes, darlings...DSquared designed the outfits for 18 of the key performers for the Opening Ceremonies. The ones I could find pictures of? Nelly Furtado, Brian Adams, KD Lang, the Olympic Flag bearers....aaaaaand that's it. Where the fuck did all of the photos go? Do you know how goddamn hard t is to find pictures of ANYTHING regarding the opening ceremonies??? Does VANOC really own everything??? Did they not allow pictures of the embarassing parts of the ceremony??? Is that why there are none?
I'm consumed by curiosity...but as we all know...curiosity killed the cat....I'm intrigued.

ANYWAY
We all rememeber what it all looked like...don't we? I know I do...

Anthem singer, Nikki Yanofsky was wearing a red dress which actually didn't look half bad...I'd love to show you a picture...but according to Google Images, it doesn't exist...I'll keep looking though. Although, I have to say...I HATE dresses with skinny belts on them. WTF is that trend doing coming back?

Nelly Furtado, your upper class call girl look has brought you to great heights...where you said you'd be all those years ago in a shitty highschool in Victoria where you were adament that you were better than everyone else...well...now you're good enough to lip synch your way through a retarded song that even Bryan Adams couldn't fake being excited about...and he's good at that shit. But regardless...WTF were you wearing Nelly? Did you opt to lip synch because you couldn't breathe?? This is a family show DSquared...I'm not sure how appropriate that dress was. The shoes however...AWESOME....but also unfortunate that even a high priced ankle strap couldn't make your legs look less like they belonged in the Cathedral Grove segment.

KD Lang has always worn suits...and she's always pitch perfect...ALWAYS. Her performance was amazing...and again, I question the appropriateness of the song choice, but I know it's not your choice KD...You just sing for the bastards. And do I have to say how happy I am that you performed barefoot? I didn't think so.

As I also can't seem to find an unsanctioned photo of these guys...it seems to be the tradition to dress the Olympic flag bearers in white...so for Vancouver, it's long coats and pants and boots on the Olympic flag bearers...how *yawn* original. They all looked like they were going to the country music awards. Any reason why all of the people carrying the flag had white hair? Grand design? Or is that all that Canada can scare up as star power? So many questions...so many questions.

Olympic uniforms have to be my favorite thing to critique...especially for those countries who didn't check the weather forecast before they left home.
There are two options here...

Bermuda--Underdressed:

Slovakia--Overdressed:

Worst change from last Olympics to this Olympics: Sweden
In Beijing...Sweden brought hot women and asian inspired designs.

This year, they're all applying to work at IKEA.
I wish I had a better picture...it's pretty funny.

Germany--Stuck in the NEON 80's!

Netherlands--Orange Sherbert used to be my favorite ice cream flavour...I'm thinking of changing back...look how cute they are! And the native inspired arm detail is actually pretty awesome.

Honorable mention for worst uniforms goes to......the Czech Republic!
WTF is happening with those pants???

USA-- dressed by Ralph Lauren, they will take over the world...one khaki sale and polo match at a time.

On another note, their snowboard outfits are kind of awesome and very "American". Burton-designed demin-look boarding pants. That's rad.

United Kingdom -- A nation of flight attendants and generally all around nice people with bad teeth, and old-man hats. They were smart enough to bring umbrellas as part of their national costume. Good form.

Canada-- Aren't you all so cute in your lumberjack printed scarves and red red red...everything.... *sigh* Why are we so predictable? Oh wait...I know...uniforms designed by Hudson's Bay....that's why. Ugh.

New Zealand -- I'm only mentioning you because you brought some good looking people...and you always dress in black...and I'm marrying a Kiwi...but that's it! Otherwise, your outfits are boring and small town ski-adventure-esque.

That's obvoiusly not all of the countries...but as you might notice from doing a simple web-search...it's kind of impossible to find pictures of the opening ceremonies that haven't been officially sanctioned by VANOC.
So I will leave you with a few images...one of some epic neckbeard

...one of the giant Spirit Bear that we all paid for and none of us understand...

and a shot of the viral mittens I despise for the simple fact that I can't flip VANOC the bird while wearing them.

This Week in High Fashion: New York Goes LO RENT

2010-03-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: New York Goes LO RENT

Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 10:25am

Fashion as we know it...may be over...and I am saddened by this Fuckery.

According to several aghast sources...the retarded douche fest that is the "Jersey Shore" cast are "demanding tickets to fashion week"....also evidenced by the utter wierdness of seeing one of those bar sluts at the Grammy's.

"That means the MTV reality stars, including JWoww, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, Paul "DJ Pauly D" Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Ronnie Ortis-Magro and Vinnie Guadagnino could be plopping down beside fashion's elite and A-list stars. "

And what made me a little bug eyed...the editor in chief of ALLURE (which I'm starting to think of as Flare's maniac American twin) gave this quote...
"They should dress exactly the way they always do and not change a hair or hair gel or tone down the tan, they're perfect as is."

O.O

I'm sorry. These people??? THIS is who you're talking about????

Lets count the duckfaces shall we?
I see 4...and one of them is a dude.
Fucking shameful.

WHAT???

Between this, and the Kardashians showing their new line for Bebe *giggle + hair flip*

Now YOU can dress like a Kardashian...aren't you EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!
*BARF*

And QVC getting a catwalk....YES I SAID IT....QVC...where their motto should be:
"Taking your lonliness straight to the bank."

Dead eyes, big smile...classic QVC.

my dreams of one day attaining the height of attending NYFW as a makeup artist (or anything else for that matter) have suddenly been broken like so much cheap pane glass...and they're only broken kittens because I have thrown myself through them. NYFW had built up so much respect in recent years...and then Project Runway paid their way in...and now this....

Maybe I just need to get super mega rich and have my own fucking fashion week.
yeah....

Read more if you dare:

New York Post: http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/shore_stars_jolt_fashionistas_buXG1FCXUKDprYbyBGY8pI#ixzz0eawlXs9B

NY Magazine
http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2010/02/the_jersey_shore_cast_may_atte.html

This Week in High Fashion: ROME!

2010-03-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: ROME!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 1:28pm

By now, everyone knows how much I love fashion weeks…I love finding new ones that just seem to POP up where I’m least expecting them…last year it was Kazhakstan that shocked the hell out of me…I’m sure there will be others.
Rome has a fashion week…this I didn’t know…but I’m not shocked by it by any means. It’s like the beginner’s Milan…almost 300 miles away from one of the best known fashion hubs of the world…
Poor Rome…you’ve done so much for western culture, legal practices, art, architecture, people management, government, archaeology, literature, theatre….but don’t ask a high fashion model about any of that…or where to get the best pizza.

In the past, all roads led to Rome…but not so in the fashion world…all runways lead to Milan…if you’re lucky…otherwise, they lead to Barcelona…booo.

From looking at what was showing at Rome Fashion Week this season, I’m not sure if I’m happy…or ambivalent.
Let’s see what we have on display…

Gattinoni…Italian designers seem to waver back and forth in my esteem…some of them are amazing visionaries…and some are just…well….not.
Gattinoni is a fence rider…some things are beautiful…and some are boring, tired, and predictable.
Makeup: Yes, I can see some…I think my biggest problem is that too much blush, red eyeshadow around the lower lids and the matte red lip makes the model look ultra tired and washed out…I think it’s meant to be dramatic, and I appreciate the effort…but I also see emo hair which isn’t dramatic, and adds to the bedraggled washed out-y-ness of the whole look.

Emo hair...sleepy makeup. Red lips do not = fun in this case.

I also have an extreme problem with this. WTF is this about. This gorgeous glamazon goddess of a model, put in this shameful unflattering dress? She looks like a man. This, Gattinoni…I do not like one itty bitty bit.

EEEEAAUUGGHHH
WHY would anyone do this to such a gorgeous creature???

ONWARD!

Lebanese designers continually surprise me…in a good way. Abed Mahfouz is all about layers…piles and piles and piles of layers…sculpted and soft, they look good enough to eat…but I don’t know who’s the intended wearing audience for these pieces…the material and cuts look like they should be in a wedding magazine…especially the champagne piece. It’s gorgeous…but where the hell does one wear this?

Makeup: It’s basically a repeat of what was done for Gattinoni…but on a better level…the models look healthy, (I’m going to credit the more coral shade to the lip colour on this one), and even a little dewey (without the harsh blush please…it’s possible)…not gaunt and a little wonky. Except for this one…who has bags under her eyes and looks HORRIBLE in seafoam…but then again…who DOESN’T look horrible in seafoam??? One more bad prom dress…coming right up.

*MOVIE SCREAM*

This one, I actually REALLY like…although I have a feeling that I’ve seen it before on runways or red carpets elsewhere…

Oh wait…there it is.

And there…

And there…

Oh…sneaky sneaky trend…I found you.

*ahem*
Back on track…
Syrian designer Rami Al Ali…I’m slightly confused by you…you design pretty things for tiny pretty women…but I'm not seeing anything that hasn’t been done before…and better…

Fringe Dress:

Maybe it’s just the colour or the one shoulder asymmetry that’s getting to me…I don’t know.

Done better here by Bebe (I know…I know…I said Bebe…*shudder*)

And by Jennifer Lopez (I know…I know…I’m scared too.)

OK…and now…a fitted mermaid dress with some interesting retro-ish metallic designs…
Again…where have I seen this before?

Oh wait…I know.

Here

Even Beyonce has worn this dress...better

And here on this random bridal website.

eeewww
You know that the fashion trend is dead when it makes it on to a wedding dress...bye bye mermaid.

*YAWN*

Oh, and he also did a one shoulder Grecian goddess inspired dress with “shoulder detail” on the one shoulder. How awesome and totally predictable. I’m not even going to compare this to anything. It’s too much effort, and I’m too tired.

The only GOOD thing I’m going to say about this runway….I love the Spanish inspired hairstyles with roses everywhere. Super pretty, and super classic and feminine. I'm going to guess from how utterly SAFE this collection was that Mister Al Ali is designing specifically for the red carpet…and that’s cool. It only takes one star to win an award wearing your dress to make you famous…look at Elie Saab, Calvin Klein, and Carolina Herrera. It’s a good gamble. But boring ass.

As per usual, I saved my favorite for last…
The Italian answer to Betsey Johnson without being alienating in her uniqueness…Marella Ferrera. I think I love everything about this collection…even the macramé looking thing here. Mostly because it’s a full dress, and not an attempt at a loin cloth like JLo was sporting at the Grammy’s earlier this week.

Marelle Ferrera likes shoes about as much as I do. I approve.

This one reminds me of the Marchesa dress that Rhianna wore to the American Music Awards…but a little more deconstructed…and less…haute couture. I don’t think we’ll see this on the red carpets any time soon…but if I was anywhere near a red carpet (that isn’t really a white carpet that I’ve spilled red wine on) I would TOTALLY rock one of these designs out.
It’s like Pocahontas gone high fashion.

Peek a boo!

I’m also totally in love with this FU to the bubble dress.
FU bubble dress…this is a tutu bubble dress. It’s so full of win that I can hardly stand it.

This is my kind of high fashion…big badass hair, big dresses…and BIG makeup in an obnoxious colour.
Love Love Love.

LOVE THIS
I see feather lashes, crasy hair extensions, awesome makeup, and some adorable accessories. WIN WIN WIN.

I need me some Gallic slaves to carry all my shit to Rome.

This Week in High Fashion: Buckle Up, it's GRAMMY TIME!

2010-03-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Buckle Up, it's GRAMMY TIME!

Monday, February 1, 2010 at 12:15pm

Grammy Fashion is SO much fun…isn’t it my lovelies?
It’s not like the American Music awards, or the Billboard Awards…nooo…this is “Music’s Big Night”…and most people who attend…well they tend to go a little more hardcore on their fashion…don’t you agree?
Well, this year is different for one fantastic reason…and her name is Lady Gaga…well it’s actually not her name, but you get the idea.
I approve of the crazy…in fact, I wish I was able to dress a little crazy and dye my hair a little crazy and NOT get fired or lambasted by all and sundry for being a little odd.
FU Corporate Culture. F. U.

BUT I digress. ON to the fashion!

The Goddess of Gaga with buttercup yellow extensions and a freaking STAR in her hands….I don’t know how she walks in those shoes, but I don’t care because she looks fucking amazing. The dress is genius…and I almost died when I did a little web search and found out it’s ARMANI. So was the green camel toe suit! I'm in shock. And a little more in love with Armani….if this is what he was busy creating for Gaga, I forgive him for showing boring shit at Paris Haute Couture week.

I love you Space Barbie!

How can I NOT ♥ Armani for desiging this? Honestly.

Taylor Swift…yes I’m going to talk about Taylor Swift. I LOVED her navy blue glittery dress. BUT I have to say that her red carpet entry with hair UP, was YUCK….too much makeup, too severe a hairstyle…but LATER when she was dropping her awards all over the place…she looked fantastic. Can’t say I cared for the boring peachy/nude dress either…blaaah….”oooh she’s so pretty and feminine and American Apple Pie-tasting” Apple Pie makes me feel sick.

Love the hair...post red carpet her makeup and hair were both toned down...and I like this combo way better than I like the earlier combo.

Combo #1...not so good. Too sexy, too dark...and too much.

Apple Pie!
*squeeee*

Jennifer Lopez…you are past your prime…American Music Awards you wore that Thierry Mugler “I’m trying to be Beyonce” dress…and now you’re wearing silver stretchy lame with a macramé detail??? WTF is this about??? Did you fall into Barbarella and then get caught in a hippie commune web on your way out of 1970? (on a side note, the word “hippie” is in spell check…I am amazed.)

Barbarella wears it better...and with similar hair.

P!nk….I’m always interested to see what she arrives in versus what she rocks out on stage…in this case, she totally reminded me of Rhianna’s American Music awards appearance…arrive in a GORGEOUS dress…and then rock out on stage in a sheet and some shiny bandaids. Sure. Whatever makes you happy darling.

Pink...why do you always do this to me...you're SO pretty...

And then you hide it all in a sheet...

and then you do fucked up stuff like this and I ♥ you more.

Beyonce actually made me really sad this year…red carpet arrival in a mother of the bride style dress with big shoulders (oooo FLARE, I said SHOULDERS) in a boring colour, and switch to….another dress with BIG SHOULDERS, sad cleavage, weird texture, in several boring colours…and with some stuff hanging off it that looked like they belonged on key rings or perhaps a Grammy charm bracelet…

UG Beyonce! REALLY???

Arrival...boring.

Performance...FIRECE!

Acceptance...boring....

I don't like this Beyonce trend.

Black Eyed Peas…and specifically Fergie, who was actually photographed ALONE on the red carpet…start the Twitter rumors now…Fergie is (as always) a trainwreck in my book…but not one of those ones that you slow down and want to look at to figure out what’s happening or how it all came to pass...Fergie is the pedal to the metal type of trainwrecks…don’t look it’s just too too horrible.
She arrived looking GOOD…and I’m ashamed to type this…because I’ve never said that before about Fergie. EVER. Thankfully for me, she fulfilled her destiny and turned a complete 180 for her performance…the space theme was awesome oh Lady Gaga, meh on J-Lo, and movie scream worthy on the Black Eyed Peas…Fergie is even “rocking” a shiny golf visor. I am terrified of this trend and I’m so glad it has no place in the “real” world.

Fergie...fabulous and understated and actually pretty lovely on the red carpet...

All kinds of galactic train wreck on stage!
Pew Pew Pew!

Now I have to get into the gallery of WTF and HTF. What the FUCK were these people thinking when their stylists handed them their outfits for the night…and more importantly…WHO the FUCK are some of these people? WHY are they famous? ARE they famous?

Imogen Heap. I get that you’re quirky, I get that you’re an “artist”…I get it…really I do. But WTF are you wearing and why is your umbrella open inside, WTF is in your hand? And last but not least, WTF is up with the collar “detail” on your dress? You look like an Alexander McQueen dark carnival show reject….and that’s NOT a good thing.

Imogen Heap...
Found her dress on the trash heap behind the traveling circus...

Recording artist? Nadeea…riiiiight. A recording artist…that’s what she is. I’m filing her under a mix of WTF and HTF…even Google can’t quite decide who she is.

AUGH!
MY EYES!

Snooki from Jersey Shore …WTF are you wearing? A bandaid dress? And BOOTIES!!! What is this, 2009? HOW did you get famous?? HTF did you have to blow to get an invite to the Grammy’s, let alone be allowed to prance and pose down the red carpet…you are side door worthy…siiiiiide door like Russell Brand…..eeewwww
And WTF kind of name is Snooki???? HONESTLY. Your “nickname” is labeling you as a booty call for life…I hope you regret this when you turn 30 and want to have a real career that doesn’t involve being a ho.

I won't even type your name out a third time for fear it will give you more power.

Imelda May…I don’t know HTF you are…but you look good in gold…you should…you’re Irish. I also LOVE your hair. Yum Yum Yum.

Liquid gold is only good on a few occasions...this one, when it was covering Angelina Jolie in Beowulf...that's about it.

Jennifer Nettles…don’t know HTF you are either…and WTF is happening with your dress/outfit thing? There are 2 good things going on here…detailed bodice…leather pants…apart…awesome…together….nightmare. Oh how shocking…Google tells me you’re a country artist. Yee haw, that explains the leather pants.

2 good wardrobe ideas...one bad facial expression...

Courtney Love...makeup artist....?

2010-01-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

Courtney Love... makeup artist....?

Today at 11:21am

Doesn't every little girl dream of being a princess or a rock star... or maybe just looking like one?
Well, Courtney Love is here to solve ALL of your problems.... with makeup, skin advice, recommendations to a great plastic surgeon, and an oxycontin prescription.

Does it surprise you that good 'ol Courts is obsessed with makeup tutorials on YouTube? It shocks the hell out of me. So... to satisfy this obsession... she made one of her own and posted it on Twitter.

Now, I'm obsessed with YouTube makeup tutorials... but I would never make one... and I'm a makeup artist!
Courtney (thankfully?) states very clearly "I am by no means a makeup artist". Um. Thanks for clarifying... but no shit. To be fair... no one needs to be anything special to make a YouTube video...m y brother made a YouTube video about removing fluid from a MMA fighter's ear with a syringe. Other people I know have a video playing on a slide at a playground that has over 500 000 hits. *shrug*

So darlings... to see how Courtney Love gets that healthy glow, those drag eyebrows, fucked up hair, and just slept on whore look... check out this link and tell me if YOU would copy her look!

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-courtney-love-makes-a-makeup-tutorial-series/?TrackID=ENC

OH
BTW, she plugs Sephora products, which are totally decent.
Try them out... but not with this tutorial... please.

Thank you to Jenn for sending me the stupid stupid link.
<3

This Week in High Fashion: Hong Kong BABY!

2010-01-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Hong Kong BABY!

Today at 9:31am

It’s almost February, possums…and where the hell did this month go? It seems like only yesterday I was cleaning the remnants of New Years off the front deck and hauling the leftover Christmas cheer to the recycling bin…
But you know what this means… well it means a lot of things, but for the moment… it means HELLO RUNWAY.
I have to be honest with you, kittens. I did start this blog thing to record or somehow try to comment on or maybe even (I flatter myself) predict the trends in makeup coming from the runways of the world… I am a makeup artist after all. But I was sidetracked into commenting on fashion instead because I was so utterly HORRIFIED at the lack of makeup on the runways of the world. What are women supposed to follow to get their makeup trend tips?? FLARE???? NO NO NO. Flare would have you all wearing thigh high boots and frosty blue eyeshadow. I couldn’t let that happen. I have high hopes for the 2010 fashion season, I really do….and judging from what I’ve seen sneak peeks of… I might ACTUALLY be able to comment on makeup as well as fashion this year. *squee*

I’m going to start with Hong Kong Fashion week… why? Because aside from being one of the first shows of the New Year, Hong Kong also trots out some pretty hilarious stuff.
Hong Kong designer Guo Pei is my FAVORITE. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if he doesn’t get his design ideas from reading Chinese Fairy Tales while on acid… I’m sure he MUST be on SOMETHING while wielding his design pencils. This isn’t a bad thing either… it’s fucking awesome. This guy’s tinfoil hat is the best hat ever as far as I’m concerned.

Shall we begin?
I don’t even have a whole lot to say about Guo Pei’s work that isn’t accompanied by gibbering foolishness at how supremely awesome his pieces are. This guy is a showman…through and through. Big collars, big jewelry, a skirt that looks like a giant silken cupcake wrapper, big MAKEUP! YES I said makeup. Shows like this one give me hope for the 2010 fashion season… I see makeup, I see pageantry… and I’m very very happy about it. This is also why I'm posting the most examples of his runway... because they're ALL different kinds of awesome.

Structured cupcake sleeve in gold studded green? Yes please.

I don't know if it's fashion, or an Ostritch's ass, but I love it!

I also don't know what this is about either... but the cones really make the ensemble don't you think? Haute Couture is so much fun.

Goji Lin’s designs during the 'Taipei 'IN' Style' parade (they actually said parade, I’m not making this up), part of the Taiwan Textile Federation... how can you tell it’s from the Textile Federation? I’ll tell you. Because it doesn’t look like it has any seams. It looks like they wrapped the model in a broadsheet of gossamer textiles, wrapped her in some ribbon, shoved a dead bird on her head and shoved her out onto the runway.
I know that Grecian inspired designs are beautiful and classic. I can also tell you that Grecian inspired designs enjoyed their largest popularity during Greece’s time as a Roman Province…so because I’m a History nerd… I’m BORED to death of Grecian gowns. It’s nothing personal, Goji… it’s just… gah.

*snore*

Chinese designer Frankie Xie likes feathers. I like feathers. My roomate’s cat likes feathers. I wonder how many birds were cobbled together to make this. I also wonder how many qualms this designer has about creating a fashion statement out of several dead avians. Because while I enjoy feathers that fell of the bird naturally… I don’t enjoy dead birds attached to them. Pelts freak me out. This is a pelt. Did they put shiny things out in a trap to lure in a couple of magpies? That’s what this looks like. How does PETA feel about feathers? They’re always on about fur, you’d think they wouldn’t discriminate for the poor widdle tweet tweets. I may write them a letter.

Oh William Tang. Designing for the STYLISH yet meditative in the crowd, he seems to be exploring the untapped fashion reservoir that is Tibetan monk robes. Is your dharma feeling weighed down… well then you need a dash of William Tang… spice up your wardrobe without losing your focus on inner peace. And the barbed wire accessories? Some suffering with your style I suppose. No one gets to Nirvana without a little hardship. Celebrate the Tao in style, with William Tang.

Ooooommmmm...

I don't get the wire... do you get the wire? Is it representative of something? Something cosmic perhaps? I doubt it, but it's nice to dream that there's a deeper meaning somewhere in there.

My favorite part of every blog is the classic WTF moment. This week, it comes courtesy of Japanese designer Tokshikazu Iwaya. WTF is this mess?
A sequined “I <3 America” thumbs up kind of thing? SERIOUSLY… did this REALLY need pockets? Like sticky-out pockets? REALLY?? And the poor model… she not only looks like she’s been slapped in the face with a rather large fish, but look at that HAIR…that is a lot of backcombing for very little effect… and it looks crimped too. Makeup, I don’t mind… it’s heading towards Ziggy Stardust, but not enough to actually be awesome…
So to sum this up, it’s a 4th of July accident played out in the late 80’s to bad effect. Ok that’s half-assed… but seriously… WTF Iwaya-san?

*movie scream*

I’m not even going to say anything about this next creation except… love the makeup…WTF is with the shower curtain bow?

Ready for the shower. Have no fear of ruining your makeup! Best invention ever... shower, get dressed, and go out... no need to remove protective headgear!

I’d like to point out that this model, is wearing leggings that are printed with pink stars, a romper that is made out of a thermal blanket and a hat that only DSquared2 could love. That is all.

It's reflective, and so is the model.

Another contribution from the Textile Federation… again… how can you tell? Too much fabric… that’s how.
It brings me back to a blog of months past where the party in the front, class in the back dress was TRYING desperately to make a comeback in the pages of Flare and the runways of Paris…I didn’t buy it, and I don’t buy it now. I just keep thinking of poor Gina Davis and all the flack she took for her white Oscar gown, so many years ago.
Gioia Pan... for the fail.

Oh Geena. This is the second time I've used your fashion faux pas as an example of how designers have changed their directions, and still inevitably come back to bury their heads in the manure pile of past mistakes.

This Week in High Fashion: Let the 2010 Fashion Hype BEGIN!

2010-01-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Let the 2010 Fashion Hype BEGIN!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010 at 12:34pm

Hello Ducklings!
It’s officially 2010…and how do I know? I know because Rio has their Fashion week. *cha-ching!*
That’s the sound of me cashing in on all of my New Years wishes for a more exciting year for fashion… Rio has got me all a quiver, and I’m actually serious about this. There are models… wearing MAKEUP on these catwalks, people! You have no idea how happy this makes little ‘ol me. And not just any makeup…FUN makeup. There are also TATTOOED models! I’m not talking the “cherry blossom on the hip” or “tribal sun on the lower back” kind of tattooed models either… I’m talking HEAVILY tattooed FEMALE models. I couldn’t grin any wider if you magically turned me into the Cheshire cat. Also, among the beautiful, the flowing and the always predictably awesome Grecian goddess inspired creations, I have to note that there are some WILD fashion deviations happening here…any why, might you ask? I’ll tell you why…because Lady Gaga is a genius. I’m SERIOUS (stop crying). Being the fashion forward, freaky, free bitch that she is, everyone wants to dress this woman. Last year, everyone wanted to be Thierry Mugler and designed space case garments for J Lo and Beyonce’s respective bubble butts….this year…it’s the year of the Gaga and I don’t blame anyone for trying too hard to impress.

But enough of my ramblings! On to the Runway Porn!

I’m starting off with Teca 2010 autumn/winter because…. well…. it’s really simple and classic looking, and I like that about this piece. Although I’m pretty sure that Winters in Rio are quite a bit milder than what most of us would compare it too, I can only hope that this dress is made of wool or something else warm-ish… otherwise, with one sleeve and a whole lot of leg showing, we have our first winter fail of 2010

Ready for a steamy Brasillian.... winter.... um... yeah. ok.

I’ve also thrown in another Teca creation here…mainly for the catwalk… it’s fucking glorious. And I mean that with every syllable. Hate the dress though… it looks like Little House on the Prairie: Paris Hilton Edition. Bleh. I ignore the dress…I stare at the pretty. Oooo… disembodied chandeliers….

Don't look at the dress! Look at the shiny!

Now we get to the good stuff… Maria Bonita Extra 2010 autumn/winter… this is a mild WTF for me… so it’s not capitalized…wtf Maria Bonita? Seriously. A too big fedora and a wronkled dress with knee socks and what look to be soccer cleats do not a fashion statement make. I know that Brasil is known for its fabulous soccer players…but unless she’s going straight from here to the football pitch to battle Rhonaldino for the ball…this is so not appropriate…and is that ASTRO-TURF on your stage? Is it? Indiana Jones wants his hat back, and I hate your belt.

Schlumpy fashion...straight from Rio. I can only hope that the dress material looks better in a less humid climate.

Redley Redley Redley…another lowercase wtf for you my friend. I like purple… and I like men who wear purple… but men who wear purple pants and a purple detailed cardigan with a purple faux collared shirt? Notsomuch. That cardigan is so heinous that Mr. Rogers’ mother would beat you with her knitting needles for creating it.

He's only smiling because he's plotting your doom.

Aqcuastudio’s Autumn/winter 2010 collection looks even less like it’s built for the winter months…unless they’re specifically aiming to be worn at the various holiday parties and awards shows…but honestly, with the runway styling, it looks like their models are more ready to take a dip in the English Channel with some 1950’s bathing beauties. Nice swim caps ladies…
I DO however, LOVE the structure of these pieces… it’s a piece of architecture…not clothing…and it’s fabulous.

This is so many kinds of awesome I haven't enough space to gush about it all...the only problem I can see... walking up stairs... but really, stairs are for peasants anyway, right?

Going Swimming with Queen Victoria never looked so stylish.

Thus begins the parade of “Clothing Gaga Would Approve”. I’m happy about this list.

Melk Z Da continues the Gaganation with some pokey spiney things that may or may not have been inspired by the Legion of Doom wrestling team from the mid-90’s. But you be the judge. Actually, the facepaint is oddly comparable…. the model is like the Spring version of the Legion of Doom.
I’m curious where in the Autumns or Winter one would choose to wear this piece…and I’m also curious about how much this costs…that basketwork alone is worth its weight in rattan.

Basket weaving and spines!

Facepaint and spines!
I think Legion of Doom wins this round...

Auslander adds to the awesome with my favorite thing ever… tattooed models. I love tattooed models. I’ve heard way too many people saying things about tattooed models that usually include the words “typecast”, “ugly”, “passé” and “non-fashion”. Well screw them. Some of the most glamorous, non-typecast, fashion forward and brilliant women I know are models who happen to be tattooed, or business owners who happen to be tattooed. Now that I’m done ranting… I don’t know wtf is happening with the ensemble on this model, but I’m digging on the half gloves and the makeup is a little scary…but that’s a good thing…I’ve spent too many months and disappointed fashion week reviews that featured NO makeup that I’m not even afraid anymore… these tears…are tears of joy. That’s right…JOY. *sob sob*

Even though the white face makeup is creepy...the basketmesh makes it art. So I"m ok with it.

AND they got Rodrigo Santoro to wear nail studded gloves and stylized armor pieces.

RODRIGO!
NAIL GLOVES!

I threw Coven in here not because I love or hate their pieces…but because even though there are barefaced models on this catwalk…CHECK THE HAIR!

HAIR FABULOUSNESS!

We’re getting somewhere, kittens…it’s a long, bumpy, scary road…but 2010 just might be the fashion year that we’ve all be hoping for…ok well maybe just the fashion year I’m hoping for because I desperately hated the 1980’s.

Fingers crossed people…fingers crossed.

This Week in High Fashion: Winter is not an excuse to look Stupid

2010-01-21T08:53:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Winter is not an excuse to look Stupid

Friday, January 8, 2010 at 12:10pm

DARLINGS!
Happy New Year to all of you!

It’s been a LONG and scrumptious year in fashion…and it sure kept me busy, I sharpened my claws on all of those bad runway choices, Lindsay Lohan, barefaced models, I had a lovers quarrel with Flare magazine which ended with me leaving them…silent and stony and utterly blindsided by my strength and fabulousness. Like all exes, I’m sure they learned nothing from the experience and will likely continue to be a thorn in my side this year…the worst exes always seem to cling to what they’ve lost like rabid possums don’t they?

BUT down to business… it’s winter…and though it may not look like it here… it’s happening elsewhere with a vengeance and there are some wonderful galleries popping up featuring some fabulous, and not so fabulous winter fashions…and I couldn’t help myself…

As you may have noticed over the past year, I have an issue with regurgitated eras that don’t deserve to be regurgitated. The 80’s being the worst offender of the lot. I know that Fashion as an industry is desperate to get back to those decadent days when no one had any taste but had LOTS of money to spend. Personally, I had my fill of it when I was pretty young…but these designers, they just can’t seem to let go… Malaysian designer Zang Toi is one of those designers. WTF is going on here. Are her goggles big enough? Is that fur ruff doing anything for her core temperature? In both cases… I think a resounding NO covers all of my bases.

She'd better be wearing GIANT furry boots.

I threw this little gem in here to remind everyone that while there are some extremely talented designers in Spain…there are also some horrendous ones. I particularly hate the mish mash of fabric pairings, and the yellow lips. I want to know who their key makeup artist was so I can strive never to do this. Yellow lips on an already bloodless looking model is runway death. DEATH.

Who puts yellow lips on a pale pasty model? Honestly. You can't sit there and tell me that this was the look the designer was envisioning for their collection... and if you can... I'm curious to hear what kind of theme you think was happening here.

DSquared2 makes me embarrassed to be Canadian… I don’t know that we were ever styled as a fashionable colony back in the day… known for our braided woolen belts, cedar bark hats, Hudson’s Bay Blanket coats… the brainiacs at DSquared2 are not helping us here. Not. Helping.

I want to trade this model for her cheap sunglasses... only for the fact that I'm hoping they're dark enough that I don't have to watch this nightmare continue. DS2, we are at war.

This is fun… an Italian, designing for a Japanese Fashion house… can anyone else see what’s wrong with this picture? Aside from the John Lennon shades and the hat made out of one of my former pet rabbits? Wait… that is what’s wrong with this picture. WTF Kenzo…don’t do this to yourself. And I also see that this is from the “ready-to-wear” collection… really? Ready to wear WHERE? The gun range? The pumpkin patch? You can’t honestly expect people…and MEN for that matter, to wear something like this out in public… except perhaps ironically. That’s right, you too can be ironic for $2,000. Small price to pay for fashion, you say? If it was Fashion… I would agree. But it’s a dead rabbit made into a hat.

Kenzo... ready to wear... where?

"My compliments from me to you on this your most intruguiging hat, might I suggest instead perhaps, a bat in place of this old rat?"

You’ll all remember that Paris Fashion Week made my stomach a little wobbly. I was SO excited to see gorgeous runway theatrics, enchanting makeup, and over the top designer creations that would make me cry with their beauty and untouchable-ness. But it didn’t happen. Junya Watanabe contributed to my Pairs Fashion Week flu like symptoms. I would like to know how in the hell this is considered runway worthy… it looks like a product of that Project Runway challenge that involved sleeping bags and camping equipment… I’m guessing it’s meant to be a Winter garment? Yeah… don’t think we’ll be seeing this on the streets anytime soon… maybe Cirque du Soleil’s new winter themed show? Hm. Maybe not.

And I don't want to know what's happening with that makeup... it looks like something is coming out of the models nose...

Vivienne Westwood, you’re so quirky and cute. WHY did you make a hat that only women with giant hair can wear? I admit to half liking the jacket… why only half? Because half of the damn jacket is missing. I appreciate the idea…but tailored jackets are not the time to be fence sitting between a bolero and a blazer. Seriously. I love you Vivienne, but this looks silly.

LOOK!!!! A GIANT HAT to distract you from the HALF MADE JACKET

French Designer Rosemary Rodriquez does the unthinkable… and tried to design something “normal” for Thierry Mugler… I know that mens collections don’t lend themselves very well to the Mugler alien aesthetic… but puffy shiny aviator wear in tomato red? What would YOU do to your boyfriend/husband/gay male friend if they showed up to a party wearing something like this in a NON ironic/fetish aviation themed type way? Even the model looks pissed and can’t make eye contact. Yikes.

If WWI were fought in puffy fetish gear.

This is from a 2007 Moscow Fashion week… but I had to throw it in because it makes me want to play Tetris and drink Stolichnaya vodka.

Doesn't anyone else want vodka?

Another gem from the Pasarela Cibiles fashion show in Madrid early in 2009…What. The. Hell. I think it’s a coat, but it might be a modified strawberry pot…you know the ones with the little cups coming off of it so that the runners can grow? Yeah…

This is a dress/coat/thing that looks like a strawberry pot.

This is a strawberry pot.

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac makes my head hurt… yet another disaster from the Paris Fashion Week catwalk.. and there is NOTHING that anyone can tell me about this ensemble that makes it better, or saleable. It’s puffy, it’s shiny, it’s multicoloured. It looks like a stuffed PVC rubix cube. Is it for math geeks? Do they get a prize if they can make the jacket all one colour? Like maybe if someone can figure that out, Monsieur de Castelbajac will stop designing crap like this. A girl can dream can’t she?

This is a coat... that looks like a Rubix Cube.

This is a Rubix Cube.

I don’t know why I hate this…maybe because it looks like neither of the designers could figure out what they were trying make, but they knew deep down that they had to make it out of shiny material. A skirt? A bustle belt? Shorts? Pants? Maybe a little bit of short, a little bit of skirt? WTF. I have the same problem with the jacket. Was this a product of “Battle of the Sexes” day in the design room? “I want a blazer!” “I want a jumper!” “Buttons!” “No buttons!” . This creation makes me dizzy. And they’ve topped it off with my favorite inappropriate accessory of the season… really really tall boots. Just because you’re wearing boots, doesn’t make it winterized…it makes you look like a hooker prepared for some inclement weather.

I can't even look at it anymore... the longer I look, the more I find wrong with it.

I have a dream my darlings… maybe for 2010 I won’t have to be so catty…I won’t have to be nearly as mean…maybe I’ll be surprised…maybe just maybe…and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

This Week in High Fashion: If she were alive, Marilyn Monroe would hate you.

2010-01-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: If she were alive, Marilyn Monroe would hate you.

I'm talking to you Lindsay Lohan...yes you...you little tartlet.
A friend of mine passed a website on to me today with some oh so fabulous things on it...and I just couldn't help but flip up the laptop and spew about it.

Y'know how there are people that you meet in life, and they have this little thing that they love to do, but they're really not good at it, but somewhere along the line someone told them that they were awesome and could be the next big thing if they just stuck with it, and they stuck with it and now you can't get them to stop? Yeah...Lindsay Lohan is like that. Someone stared straight at her chest and told her that she could sing, act, and DESIGN clothing. WTF people.
Emmanual Ungaro was the first on the list of big names who were convinced that having Little LoHo as a consultant could make a difference in their line, and with WEEKS to prepare, a runway full of popsicle coloured giant blazers and barely there skirts were trotted out...along with a fairly drunk looking Lindsay and a rather ashamed looking main designer. Last time I checked, the guy who thought that it would be a good idea to hire her...was fired...but miraculously, Linds has been kept on.

Lo and behold...some one else thought that Lindsay Lohan was a fashion "icon"...now I put this in air quotes because when I think of fashion icons...I think of Rita Hayworth, Audrey Hepburn, Dita von Tease (yes I do), Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Marilyn herself....I do NOT for a SECOND think of Lindsay Lohan...that would be like thinking of Mary Kate Olsen as a style and body image role model. It's just not happening people!
Maybe I need to go to LA, maybe I need to see for myself just WTF is happening with the "world" to create a fashion icon out of a club skank.

The many looks of Lohan...oh wait...they're ALL leggings!!! She's SOOOOO iconic.
*BARF*

To my right, Lindsay LoHo
To the left, the silly aging designer women with money who thought this would be a good idea to pad their retirements with.

But, as usual, I digress.
I was talking about this website.
Lindsay Lohan is a designer...yes...not of dresses, not of shoes, not of anything functional...she designs....leggings. YES I said LEGGINGS.

Lindsay Lohan...posing with 2 of my most hated things ever...spandex and animal print.
You need to step away from the spandex, woman.

And not just ANY leggings...I'm talking leggings with quilted kneepads built in...and they all have names...this little number...is called "Mr. President". Is this tongue in cheek? Or tongue somewhere else? Here I thought Lindsay idolized Marilyn Monroe, the line is titled after her birthday (http://www.6126collection.com/) ...but from what I can see from this site, it's um...not working.
"Here, buy these whore leggings, you won't have to worry about rug burn when you're going down on your boss ever again! But he'd better pay you well because they're almost $200 USD."

BUT not only are they the most scandalously bad-taste pants I have ever seen...they're also sold out. And I"m not kidding.
"Inspired by MM's "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" performance, with sassy quilted leather knee patches that are all flirtatious wink. Our most popular design is also the most audacious"

"Mr President"
Retails for over $135.00 USD
Comes with SASSY quited kneepads.

How about we call it like it is...
SLUTTY kneepads.

HOW IS THIS CONSIDERED SASSY AND NOT TRASHY?????

"I'm not interested in money, I just want to be wonderful"
~Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was a simple creature wasn't she? Lindsay is a much more complex woman...she needs that cash so she can teach other girls to think it's ok to dress like a streetwalker.

I'm sorry little girl...you are doomed. I'm all for charity, but who knows what Lindsay's passing along with her support.

I'm so excited that there's even a space on the site for Lindsay's blog...on how to live life "luminously". Something tells me she had to look up the spelling on that one. I'm also happy to report, that there are a grand total of 4 posts on the blog from March to now. How is one to live life luminously without Lindsay's guidance?????

Iconic my ass.
Oh wait...I can see her ass...and thank GOD there's a stripper pole in this picture, otherwise how would their clientele know where to wear these creations?!

Finally, since the site is covered in poor Marilyn's quotes, which were obviously chosen by someone who didn't know what the line was going to include...

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."
- Marilyn Monroe

Well honey...I'm so sorry, but they're using your good name to make that happen. Let the rolling in your grave commence.

If you see this beautiful, iconic, sylph of a woman and think of various styles of leggings...there is something seriously medically wrong with you.
I'm sorry Marilyn. I truly am.

This Week in High Fashion: Why I love DecemberShare

2009-12-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Why I love DecemberShare

Today at 11:24am

I love December for a few reasons, kittens… warm scarves, cable knit tights (not the strange leggings from runways past), funky boots (but not the thigh high ones from previous postings), coats to fulfill my coat fetish issues for the year, and recaps. Highlights of the year… I love them. They’re all over the radio “Songs of the year”, or on TV “Top movies of the year”, etc etc etc… trust me to find a photo essay of the “Year in Fashion”. Of course I have my favorite runway moments, which I’ve assembled for you all.

I was trying to think of an original way to present these little gems to you all, and I think I will do it….. with song.

*cough cough*

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, an overly muscled model in the trees….”

I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to revisit the horrendousness that was the DSquared2 S/S 2010 collection, but it had to happen. It was horrible. The models were all kinds of hot and ripped and yum… but all attraction dies when you see the camping gear that D2 decided to throw down the runway this year. Again… guy, we know you’re Canadian… but give us a freaking flying flaming break… NO ONE will pay that much for camping attire that isn’t from Mountain Equipment Co-Op.

WTF D2... seriously... WTF... a sleeping bag cape? Is that what's happening here? I've said it before, but I'll say it again... you're making Canadian's look bad. Not all of us camp.

“On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two Kazakh models in horrible hats for all to see…”

See now, here I have a little surprise… I didn’t know that Kazakhstan had a fashion week… but from seeing this picture, it’s probably best that I didn’t know.

Your hats may be hiding your faces, but it can't hide the fact that you're trying to be shocking in Kazakhstan, a country where being a model will not save you from being stoned for faking to kiss each other.

“On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three Lagerfeld models, who are dressed like milkmaids…”

Lagerfeld… Lagerfeld…. Lagerfeld… you will appear three times on this list… like the ghosts that haunted Ebenezer Scrooge I just can’t seem to shake you… we’ll call this one, the ghost of Christmas past, because to me, this S/S 2010 line looks like it belongs in a Vermeer painting of milkmaids circa 1658.

FAKE MILKMAIDS!

REAL MILKMAID!

“On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four models eating… and I know that you’re as shocked as me…”

Japan Fashion Week yielded some of the most interesting photos that I’ve commented on this year… mainly because there were a LOT of photos of models INHALING food…instead of downing nothing but water and cigarettes… these girls really knew how to put away the groceries (as my father in law likes to say).

Models eating??? Nooooo!

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. FIVE AWKWARD MOMENTS…..”

I’m going to have some fun and try to guess what is going on in this photo… you can play along too…
Model laughing in the background: “Anna Wintour said the dress wasn’t ugly, but that it made you look fatter.”
Model listening: “I hate you”
Designer: “Oh god oh god oh god, stay calm, this isn’t happening, its all a dream…imagine she’s in her underwear…yes, that makes everything easier… now I can relax… OH GOD SHE’S REAL”
Anna Wintour: “I hate everything, I can’t believe I’m in New York looking at these beaded messes and tie dyed rags.”
Bodyguard: “Step away from Miss Wintour’s hair…”
I also can’t believe that Anna Wintour isn’t wearing sunglasses…I think being able to see her eyes would terrify me more if I was that designer… you can see your death in those eyes…

Oh to be a fly on the wall... and to not be the designer who is more than likely getting reamed out by that scary woman.

“On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. another attempted comeback!”

Isaac Mizrahi, I remember when you were the KING of fashion in New York… you were quirky, you were fun, you had a little dog that all the models loved… Linda, Naomi, and Christina all wore your designs… but that was in 1990… then you started designing exclusively for Target (Tar-jay?)… and then for Fairweather when that fell through… and now… you’re at New York Fashion Week?? I see a messy skirt, and a mannish shirt with a high necked blouse… comeback after comeback after comeback and you’re still trying to turn beautiful women into men… I don’t know if you’ve got another one left Isaac…but I’m still entertained in a trainwreck kind of way…

Isaac Mizrahi thinks you're beautiful... but also thinks that you would look even MORE beautiful if you looked like a boy.

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. models bailing on the runway!”

Now I don’t know about you, but there is always some perverse pleasure to be taken from seeing beautiful things being broken… Beyonce falling down the stairs at a concert, models in expensive clothes and tall shoes slipping and sliding all over the shiny runway… now this may make me a bad person… but fuck it. Designers need to know that their clothes aren’t wearable… and unfortunately for the models, its their job to show us that that skirt is too tight to walk in, or the designer heels are too stupid to be in regular market circulation. (speaking of which, I don’t know HOW Alexander McQueen’s models didn’t bail down the runway at his “Plato’s Atlantis” show this year.)

Catwalk Fail.

Oh Crazy Shoes... Lady Gaga truly is the only person on earth who can wear you and not look stupid or awkward.

“On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…. a runway by the sea!”

Enter the ghost of Christmas present… Lagerfeld entry number 2… Chanel's 09/10 cruise collection at the Excelsior hotel on the Venice Lido. Despite being specifically geared towards the “cruise community” I actually liked this collection…. I loved the 20’s hair, the stripes… the lace… this year was all about throwing back to previous eras… thankfully much of the throwback that was going on was to the 1920’s… so while being historically inspired in nearly every way, Lagerfeld was also tapping into a sense of the kinship that the international community was feeling with eras past who also went through hard times and came out of it with some semblance of their glamour and high spirits…. or maybe not… sometimes fashion is deep… and sometimes…. it’s really not. Like really Lagerfeld, you DO realize that the people buying clothes specifically to go cruising in generally tend to favour classy velour leisure suits, and matching sweatshirts that say “Best Vacation Ever” and “Just Maui-ed”, right? Maybe the “cruise community” in Europe is a little classier than the North American variety… for Chanel’s sake… I hope so.

People who can afford to buy these clothes... do not cruise...

“On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me… several strange runway venues in creepy parts of town…”

From Milan, to New York, to here at home in Vancouver… runways were in all kinds of messed up places this year… a carpet warehouse in Gastown, an armory in New York, and some back alley in Milan… nice and classy does it folks… nice and classy… watch your Prada shoes… I think that might NOT be a puddle of water over there…. enjoy the Porta Potties Miss Wintour! Oh the shame. And people wonder why some of these fashion weeks don’t get the press they deserve…

The Armoury!
Glamorous!

The Back Alley!
Classy!

“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… underwear and bikini’s from the runway to my tree!”

I know that Victoria Secret started a trend of making it hip and cool to have a fashion show entirely made up of hot women in very little clothing… but I’m not sure how that got to be something that was included on the Milan runway… that’s like showing Baby Phat’s newest line in Paris Fashion Week… it’s just not right… and it leaves me feeling a little dirtier than a regular showing of undies would… VC has it down to an art, and they have FUN with it because they don’t take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately, once you put it on a Milan runway, all of a sudden… they get all weird and snotty… and take their fringed underpants seriously… I’m curious what actually had to go on for a designer like “Pin-Up stars” to get on the runway…and why they didn’t request a stripper pole.

Pin-Up Stars?
How about Stripper Idol?

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, in a sea of barefaced models, some fun makeup for once, oh the glee!”

F/W 09/10 Chanel, actually had makeup…after a fashion season that started off horribly enough in Barcelona and continued on through the various Fashion Weeks with parade after parade of bare faced, glossy faced or NO MAKEUP models, I’m always happy to see SOME kind of effort in this department. I am however, very sad that it’s come to this… haute runways are supposed to be about glamour, over the top beauty, and fantasy… so I have to admit that I was pretty crushed this year… the few bright spots that did come up, were minimal to say the least, but when help up against their competition… I guess I’ll take the best of what’s around.

LASHES! ♥

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… some hilarious designer interviews, and the knowledge that some of them are totally cray-zee”

Karl Lagerfeld… you…. YOU are CRAZY. ‘I am a genius’, ‘I am an alien’… and like the ghost of Christmases yet to come, you show us what life would be like without your hugely dark sunglass-ed, leather-gloved, high collared presence… and some are terrified… some are upset, and some, like me… will be happy to see the House of Chanel come back from the abyss of frumpiness to which you’ve brought it…

Karkl Lagerfeld... self proclaimed visionary, genius, alien... and crazy pants.

I’ll trade you your sunglasses for this pretty metal hat I got from Lie Sang Bong…. c’mon…you know you want it….

Now receiving Karl Lagerfeld's newest innovations...

This Week in High Fashion: Flare....I'm done.Share

2009-12-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Flare.... I'm done.Share

Yesterday at 4:38pm

Flare is becoming to me like that horrible ex that you broke up with because you were sure that they were a little crazy, but didn’t realize the depth of the crazy until you’d actually ended the relationship…oh you know…the ones that cry, tell you how much they love you…that they’ll change…that you’re the ONLY one for them…that they’ll DIE without you… Really, the only thing that happens next is that you start wishing that they WOULD die without you. Well, Flare…the depth of your crazy has made me realize that I can’t give you any more chances. We talked about this…and I can see now, that it’s just not going to work out…

We just have nothing in common anymore…just this morning as I was reading through your articles, I discovered THIS gem…yes of course I still read your articles… I still CARE about you, Flare…but it’s in more of a benevolent freakishly maternal kind of way than the feelings I used to have for you.
Let’s examine what you’ve vomited into the online pool…

Top 10 Runway Looks: Party Pieces

Flare has a really really really big thing for “Top Whatever” lists… pretty soon I’ll be able to make a list of my own. “Top 10 Things I Hate About Flare”.

But, as usual, I digress. Off we go.

#1 Thakoon

“Few pieces have more versatility than a tailored oversized blazer. I love how chic this dinner jacket by Thakoon looks over sparkly wide trousers. The bold necklace - matched with slicked-back locks - is essential. You can pair the jacket with all of your party pieces, including a simple black dress.”

You’re right…FEW pieces have the versatility of a huge schlumpy blazer which despite its expensive tailoring still manages to look like you stole it out of your dad’s closet circa 1976. I personally HATE how this blazer looks…it looks tired, sloppy, uncomfortable, and ill-fitted. It’s not chic, it’s not stylish, and of COURSE you have to slick back your hair…other women expect men to not be able to dress themselves, so make yourself look as manly as possible, and try to pull this off with some HUGE jewelry and maybe some pasties from Lindsay Lohan’s Emanuel Ungaro collection to remind people that you ARE a woman. How about this instead…a FITTED blazer??? There is NOTHING sexier than a woman in a fitted blazer, with wild curls and some sexy smoke-y dark eyes and a hot red, or berry luscious lip. ARG

Give your dad back his blazer...

#2 Stella McCartney

“Purple looks great on everyone. This sweetly simple royal purple frock is the perfect solution for a family dinner or drinks with the girls. The velvet booties make it super chic for now, or you can strap on sparkly sandals for a dressier occasion.”

First of all, this isn’t true. Purple DOESN’T look good on everyone. Secondly…who the hell goes to family dinners in a $1500 dress and velvet booties?? REALLY. I’m not even going to talk about how short it is, or how horrible empire waisted dresses look on women with no shape. I’m sorry, I just cant. I love me some Stella MC…but I just can’t do this right now. It looks like a child’s dress strapped onto a teenager. I am not fan. At all.
As an alternative, how about something that isn’t sheer on top? This dress would actually look great as a tunic dress with the front pleats acting as a detail instead of a feature? The ruffle at the neck or shoulder instead of the sternum? And really, purple is great, but it has its limits. Shade is super important…too blue, and you could look too pale…too red, and you end up looking washed out and blotchy. With any of the jewel shades, be mindful of your skin tone… undertones are SO important. Pink undertones vs yellow undertones…it’s important people, don’t listen to Flare and just throw on some purple randomly.

I hate your booties.

#3 Pucci

“While I love my little black dresses so does everyone else. Unfortunately wearing one will make you fade into the crowd. When you want to stand out - and as the party hostess you must! - pick an electric hue such as this gorgeous asymmetric dress by Pucci.”

I HATE your LBD’s, Flare. Why does a little black dress make YOU fade into the crowd? Because you’re a dirty little tryhard who has no idea how to accessorize. If you want to stand out and NOT look like a freak…wear your LBD and put on some big jewlery, amazing makeup, great hair and a giant smile… THAT makes you stand out. Not a HOT PINK asymmetrical MESS that doesn’t look like it would fit well if the designer herself was pinning it on you. This dress has three MAJOR things wrong with it. COLOUR. SLEEVE. COHESION. It’s 2 different dresses stapled together!! Designers get kicked off project Runway for smaller blunders!

*movie scream*

No one really expects Patricia Arquette to dress well... but seriously... this is a heinous example of the "hot one shoulder trend" that even Flare couldn't love so so much.

#4 Marc Jacobs
“While this may be a black dress , the slices of pink peeking out make it a stand-out pick. I love the 80s mix of fuchsia with black - and especially those notice-me pink accessories. Rocked out hair and 80s inspired diva makeup are a must!”

Speaking of messes… You know what else is a must, Flare? A BARF BAG. Or another drag queen. If you rolled into your company “Holiday Party” wrapped up in this disaster of a “dress” you’d either get kicked out, or be expected to start into your Diana Ross lipsynch and booty shake routine. Whatever medication Flare is taking right now, it must be cheap, and I don’t think it’s been approved by the FDA yet. And WTF is going on with the one sleeve trend??? Pick a season.. are you cold or hot? Strapless or full sleeves… you can’t sit on the fence forever!

*80's movie scream*

#5 Hervé Légér by Max Azria
“Every Hollywood starlet worth her Louboutins has several Hervé Légér bandage-wrapped dresses in her wardrobe. This one shimmers on several trend counts - the prominent one shoulder detail and the metallic bands.”

Really? Well, now that Louboutins are available online for discount prices, I don’t know how much this is actually a style-watch-word anymore. I wonder if Flares knows these star personally? Which ones are they? The search I did brought up some red carpet nightmares that I’ve seen on more than a few “Worst Dressed” lists. And I have to say something about the one shoulder detail thing… OF COURSE ITS PROMINENT…THERE’S ONLY ONE SHOULDER TO DETAIL!

"HOT" Hollywood LOVES these tired bandaid dresses.

#6 Gucci
“If a second-skin mini isn't your look, this loose tunic top and skinny leggings from Gucci are the answer. Not only will you be comfortable but you'll make a big statement with the shimmer and on-trend shoulder detail.”

You’re right, Flare…you can STILL look trashy in this fabulous piece by Gucci, because as long as you’re spending over $1000 on it, it MUST be fashionable. Right? Right? WRONG-O. It’s an oversized sweater from 1982 that you’ve stretched beyond all recognition, bedazzled and tossed on over some sparkley workout tights from your Flashdance days. Do you want to know who this looks good on? Size 0 and no one else. And even then… it’s a FUCKING CRIME. THIS is NOT fashion. I don’t even have a suggestion as to how to do it better. Just save yourself the trouble of asking someone “Do I look ok in this shiny garbage bag and leggings?” And if I see anything else about “on trend” shoulder details, I’m going to vomit all over my laptop. If you’re following trend, you deserve to wear the crap that Flare is suggesting for you.

Just because it's Gucci, doesn't mean it's fashionable.

#7 Chloe
“Not everyone wants a dress. I love this adorable French chic blouse by Chloé. While these fuller-cut velvet trousers are the newest way to wear it, the blouse would look just as fashionable with super-skinny jeans or a sleek mini.”

Y’know what… I’m going to bring up something that I seem to bring up every time I have this little chat with Flare about their disappointing love of tired fashion trends… these wide velvet pants are not “the new way to wear” things… they’re the 80's way to wear things.

Just say it with me now... EEEWWWW

80’s 80’s 80’s 80’s. Fuck the 80’s. The 80’s were a time of decadence and selfishness evidenced by the collections of designers like Lagerfeld who designed for themselves, and not for women who had jobs to go to and things to do in their daily lives that didn’t involve posing on the corner with razor sharp blush and shoulder pads that you could build bridges on… I don’t know if it’s just a global conspiracy that designers and magazines and corporate shills are trying to bring back because everyone spent money like it was going out of style or if it’s just my imagination… because that’s the ONLY reason I can see for bringing back the USELESS and fugly trends that happened in the 80’s. “The economy is bad, let’s mass produce leggings and shoulder pads and make people think that life is ok again.” Oh, and the blouse is ugly too.

#8 Balmain
“From Madonna to Rihanna, all of the rock and roll style-setters have rocketed Balmain to A-list designer status. The label's sparkling minis and embellished military jackets are seen on red carpets worldwide and have spawned a legion of knock-offs.”

I think I might possibly hate this more than anything else on this list… I also hate that Flare talks about this designer like they invented the military jacket. Last time I checked, “military style” is pretty much the knockoff…sooo what does that make Balmain? I hate this dress. It’s Thierry Mugler with a bustle attached in the wrong place, and some freakish moon boots. WTF is happening here? It’s shiny, it’s velvet or maybe satin?, its lame… hate hate hate everything about it.

UGLY!

#9 Louis Vuitton
“Combining ruching, lace, bows and candy-sweet colours, Louis Vuitton's latest collection embraces the Parisian coquette. It's an over-the-top look that focuses on attention-grabbing accessories such as boots with court heels, gathered gloves and a fuchsia clutch. It's not for the timid - no tiny jewels or ironed centre-parted locks please - this look needs major confidence!”

This. I don’t know what to say. “this look needs major confidence” because it’s FUCKING HEINOUS. There is something VERY wrong with Louis Vuitton. I know I’ve mentioned this before too… I thought it stopped with the lime green furry rain boot disasters, and what he did to Madonna at the Costume Institute Gala earlier this year…but no… I take back what I said about the Balmain grossness above. I hate THIS more than ANYTHING.

This is just a walking tragedy. Even the model looks like she KNOWS how stupid she looks.

If Louis Vuitton can do THIS to Madonna, he really doesn't care about women.

#10 Nina Ricci
“Here's the littlest of little black dresses - but one that makes a major statement with its band of turquoise shimmer. Monster-sized boots rock the understated strapless and note the sheer black hosiery. After years of bare legs with cocktail dresses, hosiery is back in a big way.”

I beg to differ here, Flare… years of bare legs with cocktail dresses? There’s a reason for that. Tights. Look. Stupid. Hosiery is only back in a big way because you’re all trying your damndest to bring the 80’s back in a big way. Well screw you. I actually LIKE this dress too. Trust Flare to ruin it with a pair of black tights, or maybe even a pair of thigh-high boots.

I actually DON'T hate this dress. The model, however... needs a tan and a ceaser salad.

Flare, you and I are clearly moving in different directions in life… for instance… you suck. I sincerely hope that the women who read your endlessly annoying Top 10 lists will realize that their brains are stronger than whatever voodoo magic you conjured to get your articles online. Flare, I thought there might be a chance for us..that we could be friends or something… that you had really really changed… but alas, you still suck, and I’m moving on up.

This Week in High Fashion: I Kind of Hate Celebrity Clothing Lines…

2009-12-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: I Kind of Hate Celebrity Clothing Lines…

Yesterday at 2:24pm

Kats and Kittens… you’ve probably come to realize that Makeup and Hair by Kat has an opinion on pretty much everything. And it’s true… I do have an opinion on literally everything. Precociously enough, it’s usually negative. Not because I’m bitter (ok maybe a little) not because I’m jealous, and not because of any other roundabout Freudian reason… it’s just that I’m an opinionated type of gal… and I’m not afraid to vomit it on the interwebs to share with all of you.

So my darlings, with Fashion Weeks rapidly disappearing, what do I have left to post about? WELL… A disturbingly, alarmingly prevalent Hollywood trend that started way back in the golden ages of Hollywood glory….the celebrity shill.

shill

–noun

1. a person who poses as a customer in order to decoy others into participating, as at a a gambling house, auction, confidence game, etc.

2. a person who publicizes or praises something or someone for reasons of self-interest, personal profit, or friendship or loyalty.

Now as it used to be done, back when capitalism was new and shiney, stars would endorse products right and left…Jane Russell for Playtex bras and girdles, George Burns and Gracie Allen promoted Carnation Milk, baseball great Yogi Berra promoted everything...you get the idea.

In modern Hollywood…the big lugs in charge have convinced themselves that the common public is retarded and will buy whatever a popular star is promoting, singing, wearing, smelling like, drinking, snorting, dieting, driving, etc. Celebrity endorsements go beyond the commercials now…”You’re popular…you should make a perfume, and then release an album and a makeup line.”

Kiss. My. Ass.

SO, today I will be reviewing celebrity clothing lines…those that I semi-admire because they’re actually kind of ok at it, and those that suck and I want to beat with a sharp rock.

BEGIN!

Justin Timberlake ~ William Rast

A few things to be noted here:

a) JT doesn’t design… he just says “I like that shade of grey”

b) the company is actually run by a team of 3 other peoplec) It actually doesn’t suck for the most part, although as with any fashion house, there are some spectacular fuck ups happening on the runway.

d) Their mission statement: “New America is here, and with it, William Rast is embracing the renewed confidence and vision.” This to me is a little humorous. In reality, the “New America” is broke and terrified of itself. I don’t know if they’re tapping the right markets here…

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen ~ “Elizabeth and James” and their couture line “The Row”While MK&Assley seem to think that they’re progressing past Tar-jey and maturing in their lives and designing… you’ve really got to be joking me. Two train wrecks who can’t decide which side of the fashion fence they’re on while clearly hurtling at light speed in two different directions can in NO WAY construct a cohesive fashion line… let alone an ensemble for an evening out. One sister is rocking a boho heroin chic grande latte look, while the other would rather wear leapord print and heels. Give me a giant flying break ladies.

Kate Moss ~ Kate Moss clothing TopShop

I love original celebrity clothing line names, I really do. Why be painted into a corner by the expectations of your own label! Way to step out Kate, way to…. oh… right…

It’s been photographically proven on MANY occasions that while supermodels may wear fabulous clothing and look glamorous every day of the week…if left to their own devices, they have no freaking idea how to dress themselves. I would not wear clothing designed (read “picked out”) by this woman.

The BEST part of this… TopShop is just SPECKLED about having her on board to promote their stores.www.katemosstopshop.com

http://www.katemosstopshop.com/

My favourite part, the explanation of the Kate Moss aesthetic. “When it comes to getting dress, Kate follows her mood. Rather than rocking a catwalk look or intelluctualising current trends, Kate prefers to go with her feelings and emotions to inspire the looks we’ve come to know and love…. unlike the rest of us, it’s only for special occasions that Kate plans out her look…”

You poor poor peasants. Don’t you wish you could be Just. Like. Her.????

No. Not really. You look like crap Kate.

Jennifer Lopez ~ Sweetface Clothing + some gross perfume

“Sweetface fashion strives to be an inspiration for women.

Combining elegance with street sensibility.

”Don’t forget FUR. LOTS and LOTS of fur.

Fuck you J Lo!

But on a fashion-y level… I can’t say that I see a lot of street style in this collection…

Unless “exposed zippers” counts.

Beyonce/Tina Knowles ~ House of Dereon

Now, my program won’t let me put in all of the accents that make that title so fabulous… but you get the hint right?

Let me break Dereon down for you. Beyonce pays the bills, and in return, her mother gets to call herself a “stylist to the stars” and designs trashy dresses for runways they will never see. Riiight. Oh, and Miss B (or “Kick” according to the website) is the muse of the collection, and also gets to sing about it in her songs. Thanks Mom.

*BARF*

“Gloss on my lips, man on my hips, holds me tighter than my Dereon Jeans…”

*DOUBLE BARF*

I notice she’s wearing Thierry Mugler for ALL of her tour dates this year Mommy. Sorry.

Jessica Simpson ~ Jessica Simpson

OH. MY. GOD. What a PERFECT name for your clothing line! It’s as witty, charming, intelligent, and downright perfect as YOU are, Jessica!

I forgot to mention, sweet, overplayed, boring, fake, poorly made, and available at a Sears, Walmart and Target near you.

And I’ve noticed that a lot of these things are not just clothing lines…they’re LIFESTYLE lines. I might just pass out.

http://www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com/

Andre Benjamin (Andre 3000 from OutKast) ~ Benjamin Bixby

This is actually super cute… and I approve of this clothing line because it’s just too damn adorable to hate on.

The Benjamin Bixby clothing line by Andre Benjamin, a.k.a. Andre 3000, is a late 1930's inspired line drawn from old college football documentaries. The collection consists of 70 pieces, adding denim from salvaged Japanese fabrics.

I cannot hate this man. Or his hats.

Nelly ~ Apple Bottoms“

Apple Bottoms is a fashion lifestyle brand that caters to trendsetting women of all shapes and sizes. Celebrating and liberating the natural curves of a woman's body is Apple Bottoms' supreme mission. This unique brand is the mastermind of multi-platinum superstar Nelly. He describes the intent behind the design by saying, "A woman should not try to fit the clothes; the clothes should fit the woman!" His creative team of designers crafted the perfect fit for different silhouettes that accentuate the curves of all women. Nelly is personally involved in the process to ensure that the designs enhance the beauty of the woman who wears them.”

I <3>

And yes, I want a pair of those Apple Bottom jeans… but if anyone says anything about furry boots, I will shove them up your ass so far you’ll have to trim them like nose hair. BUT, having said all that. I will never. EVER. Wear skinny jeans, or skinny jeans with blingy apples on them. Just on principal.

Hillary Duff ~ Stuff by Hillary Duff

Give me a MILLION breaks. If the mere thought of knowing more about the Hillary Duff mini-empire… read no further. I know I couldn’t.

http://www.hilaryduff.com/

Her vomitous website is geared towards those in the age bracket that don’t yet have financial independence. The “Disney Records” Recording artist has had a dream for the longest time to have a fashion line, and then a fragrance of her very own… and who were Disney to deny it. She’s also collaborating with DKNY… who obviously think that they can get teenagers who like Hillary Duff to spend 200$ on jeans.

I like it that Hillary thinks she’s a rocker chick. I think that’s cute and really hilarious.

*barf barf barf*

These are obvoiusly not all of the celebrity clothing lines out there, but they are the "stand out" bunch... But again, I have to reiterate... I’m not bitter… I’m just confused… confused that somewhere along the line it was established that the general population really honestly and for true gave a shit about what movie stars did in their down time… not just what they acted in, but that people actually cared what their thoughts and feelings were/are. If you’re one of the millions of Ashton Kutcher Twitter followers, this is for you… it’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT that this is happening and we’re FEEDING their egos when we should really just be feeding them to large lizards instead.

This Week in High Fashion: I'm behind! Deal with it!

2009-11-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: I'm behind! Deal with it!

Wed at 3:11pm

I've missed out on a LOT of fashion bashing opportunities lately!! So it's time to catch up!

American Music Awards!!!

The American Music Awards is an interesting entity… I’m sure I’m not alone in judging the US of A for being slightly overburdened with their own importance in that not only do they have awards shows for EVERYTHING and a World Series that ironically involves only American teams…but they do this with everything. So, to help celebrate the completely obvious awesomeness of American Music but separated from Country Music and the Grammy’s and Billboard, and something else I’m sure….

I've selected my favorites...

Let it begin!!!

Janet Jackson… Miss J if you’re nasty? Well Miss J… you look nasty.

But not in the way that you’re singing about… I’m talking like a pseudo hardcore Pocahontas flashback that got caught in a riveting machine… or a poorly equipped bedazzler. Darling, we all know how much money you make… stop doing this to yourself. Are you scared to perform in public while not wearing a full leather tunic and comfortable matching pants? And there is to be no football involved? You’re really making this difficult for us, Miss J.

Jennifer Lopez. I REFUSE to call you J-Lo because I think it’s stupid. And I think you’re even stupider for coining it YOURSELF. And people are shocked that you’re a diva, you mink eyelash wearing fraud! You’re a dancer with a nice booty. You can’t sing, your perfume smells funny, and you know what? MRS. ANTHONY. You look like a cheap Beyonce knockoff in that Thierry Mugler dress. Miss B rocks that shit. You look stumpy.

Rihanna. Oh good lord. You came to the awards show in this FANTASMIC Marchesa dress with gorgeously detailed and delicate floral cut outs… and then changed into The Mummy’s castoffs???? I understand the appeal of the bandaid dress… but while it was hot in the 5th Element… it is SOOOO not here. And to top it off… the shoulder pads had LIGHTS on them??? WTF!!!

Carrie Underwood-y. Not much left to the imagination here… it’s silk, it’s a pair of shorts that I’m sure Katy Perry wished she had though of. Cute, retro… I’m feeling a little ill because I’m going to say it…. Carrie Underwood looks…. *gulp* awesome. I feel dirty now.

Lady Gaga… you are frightening in your genius. I still don’t know who the hell designs your stage wardrobe… and I don’t know if I want to know. I know who styles them… and she frightens me almost as much as you do. So I’m sitting here trying to figure out what exactly you’re wearing… it’s a body stocking… I see that… and it’s a bandaid outfit… and it’s got ribs? Or bones? WTF is that made of? You look like a low budget Halloween costume kid… and WTF happened to your shoes? If you’ve abanonded McQueen for this crap, I don’t know if I love you anymore….

Fergie. *movie scream* And WTF is happing with Will.I.Am and the key-taur/pimp coat combo? And the hair??? *movie scream again*

Stars!

Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson. I have a short sentence for each of you.

Nicole… dye your hair back to dark red again, you’re fading into the background woman!

Kate… WTF happened to your breasts????? I know you have some!!!! >.<

PS to my readers.... the occasionally used remark *movie scream* is not written as a positive comment! :)

This Week in High Fashion: Victoria’s Secret is finally boring.

2009-11-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Victoria’s Secret is finally boring.

Today at 1:37pm

Did I just say what I think I said? That I find VC boring??? OMG I totally did.

And unfortunately, it’s true.

I never thought that the day would come that I wouldn’t be drooling over the lingerie and “clothing” provided in store, by catalogue and online by the glamtabulous VS. But I am. I suppose there is a certain point that one reaches where a pair of underwear IS just a pair of underwear, and once you’ve seen one thong, you’ve seen em all? Have I hit that jaded bracket? I must have. But maybe it was the clothing itself… not just the fact that it’s undies.

Let’s examine shall we?

The Million $$ bra

To be precise here, it’s the 3 Million Dollar Bra. The bra itself, it pretty if a little bit boring by previous VS Million $ standards… the model is scary. She’s either had an unfortunate smelting accident, or that was a really bad ab surgery/tummy tuck job. Seriously. Woah.

PUT IT AWAY OR GIVE IT A SANDWICH!

This is MY idea of a million dollar bra...just sayin.

Sweet and overdone, who doesn’t love a plaid schoolgirl style underwear set.

So cute. Not quite sure how the clock themed wings/halo relate, but I’m not complaining…

it’s pretty cool.

I'm still not sure what this is all about... maybe something subtle like "every second that ticks by is taking you further away from looking like this". Eff you VS.

Now we get to the mess.

Victoria… WTF is this about?

60’s meets messy bedroom, meets my 80’s McDonald’s Happy Meal toy collection, and then they all mated and exploded on the runway??? I can hear Jim Henson spinning in his grave over the muppet you skinned to make that coat.

I can't even comment on these sanely.

After the mess… there is the PRETTY

Jewel tones, embellishments, you name it!!! I love this part of the collection… but I’m also a sucker for corsets.

I can't even think properly with all of the gorgeous going on here.

I am not, however, a sucker for Fergie. Ew.

*movie scream*

There are also a few pieces that I'm just going to toss in here as the supreme WTF of the day.I don't know what you're thinking here, VS, but I'm sure Flare's "Fashionista's" will love it.

Does everyone want to be Thierry Mugler this year? I think I missed that memo.

Ziggy Stardust was hot shit in the 80's. This is 2009. Get over yourselves.

Seriously... WTF is it made of jellybeans? Foam peanuts? I this the new patriotism? BTW the underwear is ugly.

Are they balloons? Is she going to make balloon animals next? How does the fuzzy hat tie in? Are those mittens I see? Is that how you "winterize" underwear?

All in all Victoria, what can I say to you? I’m curious who you’re dressing these days… that is one thing. I’m also amazed at your steadfast use of Heidi Klum… from like 1998 onwards you’ve used her in every show that she hasn’t been preggo for… good on ya. She’s holding up well for a “former” supermodel with a couple of kids… so why did you slap her in the green burlap sack for her trip down the catwalk? She totally deserves a pair of those epic wings. I think you owe it to her VS… I really do.

This Week in High Fashion: Something for the Fan Boys

2009-11-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Something for the Fan Boys

Today at 11:14am

GENTLEMEN!

I know that there is a plentiful lack of exciting fashion choices for you in the world of high fashion... sure the colours of the khaki's may change... but really, what do you have to look forward to with the changing of the seasons? Flare has no thigh high boots for you... unless you're going fishing, and then I'd suggest traipsing down to Army and Navy or something to get some hip waders instead.

But FEAR NOT! I have found the solution to your fashion woes... ESQUIRE would never let me down.

Although, I have to admit, these aren't your typical male fashion tips... such as "can I wear this plaid with this ball hat", or "Is a Canucks jersey office appropriate?" NO. There are SERIOUS questions, for the SERIOUSLY fashionable male. And trust me, there are quite a few of you who need some edumacating.

And so I give you... an exerpt from:

"ESQUIRE'S 25 Mysteries of Men's Style... solved in seconds.

"Now, I wouldn't say seconds... but it's a nice attempt.

25 is a LOT, so I give you a selection of my favorites.

#2 ~ "Do belts and shoes have to match?

""They need not match exactly — in fact, matching them too closely could look far too try-hard for some tastes — but they should reside in the same ballpark, e.g., chestnut and chocolate are usually close enough, but dark, reddish brown and light tan are not. Needless to say, black and brown should be kept apart, unless they're both so dark that only a lunatic could possibly notice.

"Trust me, you'll find a lunatic who notices... And ladies, if you are happening to read this to gain some tips to gently force into your mate's closet... this applies to you too... gone are the days when the shoes had to match the handbag... or the carpet to the drapes. You know what I'm sayin'.

I hate brown shoes. They remind me of door to door salesmen.

#3 ~ "I spill liquor a lot, what fabrics do you suggest I wear?""

You sound like a social liability. I recommend a neoprene scuba suit. And not dancing with a full glass of hooch in hand. Failing that, try machine-washable clothing (e.g., cotton) and robust weaves like denim, which will stand up to your systematic pattern of abuse."

I however, suggest a sippy cup and perhaps an examination of your conversation enhancing hand gestures. I wouldn't suggest denim for office parties though... it's slightly frowned upon. Frat parties and general get-togethers, sure... office... nooooo.

#4~ "When do you keep on or take off a hat?" "The rules governing the doffing of hats are as odd and anachronistic as the people who still insist on wearing them. We do have room, however, for one hard-and-fast rule: Hats should always be removed in public spaces, like the elevators in department stores. (As a sign of respect to the ladies, naturally.) Hat hair goes with the territory. If you suffer, get a shorter haircut or a bigger hat."

So a note to the douchefaces who never seem to part that baseball hat from their head...you're being RUDE. Take it off at the table, and take it off when you're in an elevator, and just take it off period... it's making you BALDER and isn't hiding anything.

#8 ~ "Can I wear boat shoes with socks?"

"Listen carefully and no one need get hurt. Step away from the Sperrys (which, by the way, should still be wintering in a bucket of frozen Northeastern seawater to add to their salty patina come spring) and buy some shoes that are actually meant to be worn with socks. Oh, and never put boat shoes and socks in the same sentence again -- the best-dressed sailors always go bare ankle.

"I'm sorry...WHY are you wearing boat shoes??? This isn't the Hampton's people... so don't take this to heart... it's here for the sheer amusement that someone would actually ask about it... let alone the fact that there is actually protocol attached.

AAAUUUGGGHHH!

#12~ "What good looking clothes can be worn to a construction site?"

"If you're concerned about your clothes looking too rugged for polite society, adopt the classic outdoorsy look of brands like Woolrich, Pendleton, Eddie Bauer, and L. L. Bean. Their gear has stood the test of time and, coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now. Choose a palette of earth and forest colors spiked with a plaid overjacket — from, say, Woolrich Woolen Mills."

"Coincidentally, is quite the look in fashion right now" Pardon me??? It IS???? I totally missed that parade. I have a few problems with this whole question...

a) Who the hell is asking this? If you're going to a construction site, you're not looking to impress anyone... if you're talking to clients, that's a different story... but looking like the rugged LL Bean/Eddie Bauer outdoors type when you step onto a job site is likely to get you shot at with an air nailer as anything.

b) When did construction workers care about polite society? The last site worker I saw was covered in plaster, steel toes to waist, gave a standard "Tradesman's blow" onto the sidewalk and proceeded to give me the most lecherous wink I've ever seen in my entire life.

POLITE SOCIETY DOESN'T EXIST FOR THEM.

I'm sorry, Esquire... that's one.

#15 ~ "What shade of blue trousers go best with light-brown shoes?"

"With lighter-brown shoes, any pants that fall in the broad deep-navy-to-mid-blue range should be fine, but avoid going too light: It can fast land you in ice-cream-salesman territory. Bear in mind, though, that the current trend is away from lighter brown and toward the dark side. Dark brown goes with everything.

"Not only am I blown away by the fact that people actually worry about this type of thing... but I'm also flabbergasted that there is a statute for this... a veritable RULE... and even a stigma for those who disobey!!! "Ice Cream-salesman" REALLY? Grab your straw boater and hit the road boys. Yikes. How about black... stick to black or something not blue? That just screams 70's at me for some reason...

See....70's salesman.

#16 ~ "I'm turning 40, how can I keep my pompadour?"

"The pompadour is clearly the source of all your powers and suggests you're not quite ready to embrace your age. Instead, try easing your way in the right direction by switching out edgier clothes for tidier versions of same, e.g., trade dirty ripped jeans for crisp indigo ones or a leather jacket for a wool blazer. Do it bit by bit and soon enough you may find your pompadour is ready to retire. If your hair hasn't already fallen out by then."

Oh my....you can let this go anytime.

Now I'm a little worried by the "not quite ready to embrace your age" bit... why does turning 40 immediately mean that you have to become a square and loose all of your inner hepcat? Don't do it... tone it down by all means with the clothing, but really... keep the hair. Just ask yourself... "What Would Brian Setzer Do?".

But really, don't let the hepcat out of your Rockabilly bag...you can dress like a square and still work it...honest.

#19 ~ "I'm a big guy...what kind of cardigan should I buy?"

"Go for a fine, plain knit in a merino or lamb's wool (rather than anything bulky like a rib or a cable). John Smedley, DKNY, and Jack Spade all offer something right, and though colors will suggest themselves naturally, you can't go wrong with gray, navy, or dark brown.

"Here, now again, my answer would be.... JUST DON'T. You should have learned from Mr Rogers waaaaaaaaay back in the day that cardigans are just not good for your social life. Nothing has changed.

For the full article, click here!http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Flifestyle.ca.msn.com%2Fbeauty-fashion%2Fmens-style%2Fhearst-gallery.aspx%3Fcp-documentid%3D22030873%26page%3D1&h=8ed3f3575ba67284721ebf8b9b6eb27f

Daily makeover has a STUPID question for you: "Can you pull off these 1980's Fashion Trends?"

2009-11-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

Daily makeover has a STUPID question for you: "Can you pull off these 1980's Fashion Trends?"
Today at 1:19pm

Now I know what you're all thinking...why I am I fighitng this steamroller of a trend? What do I have against Karma Kameleon, spandex, and neon? Do I REALLY have to answer this??? According to Daily Makeover, I do.

It's on, bitches.

#1 ~ Bust out a Bow

"Not since Madonna's hayday circa Like A Virgin have we seen such show-stopping hair bows. Here are three looks spotted at New York Fashion Week Spring 2010 (from left to right): Milly by Michelle Smith, Betsey Johnson, and Marc by Marc Jacobs. Get Into The Groove with this trend in the real world by going for a more moderately-sized headband or hair clip embellished with a bow"

Straight from the ho-rses mouth, I freaking DARE you to tie one of these rags to your head and pretend you don't see people staring at you like you missed Halloween. Since WHEN did this become a good fashion idea??? Madonna was a trend setter in the 80's... and she knew it... she made a style out of NOTHING... and has she gone back to it? NOT ONCE. Why?

Because it was cool to look like a mis-matched got dressed in the dark freak in the 80's...but it's NOT cool now. If you want to take style tips from Betsey Johnson, be my freaking guest... that woman has been stuck in the 80's since 1976... and she works it and designs some fantastically fun clothing... but she's neither practical nor office appropriate... unless you're going to university where no one cares how you express your inner uniqueness, please please please don't even bother with this trend... I'm freaking begging you.

If you want to follow Daily Makeover and "must try" this trend... I don't need to remind you that by wearing a headband with a bow or a clip with a bow, that you may as well dress for your first communion and put a sucker in your mouth, cause baby, you may as well be 7.

DON'T try this at home. Runway is NOT reality.

Trend #2~ Rock the Neon

"The neon of the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades. The best way to pull off the trend and look hot instead of headache-inducing: Go for a neon nail polish or accessory with an otherwise subdued (preferably all black) ensemble."

For the love of all that is shiny and fashionable... Why the Hell would you do this to yourself...?

I like a little bit of neon every once in a while... wait a minute... no I don't. Neon is messed up. It's not a colour, it's not a shade... it's an insult... a grossly overused insult.

Neon matches NOTHING but itself... so yes Daily Makeover, you WILL have to wear ALL BLACK because otherwise people will think you escaped from the set of Ferris Beuller's Day Off or that Cirque Du Soleil is doing a street show...

If you HAVE to do this... Daily Makeover's examples are all PINK... which is sadly the safest of all the neons because it can be disguised as regular pink or hot pink. I'm on to your game DM... and you suck at it.

I dare someone... ANYONE... to rock some day-glo orange.

I say NO!

Trend #3~Frosted Lipstick and Blue Eyeshadow

"Yes, we swear you can wear blue eyeshadow! Just make sure it is sheer and shimmery, lest you look like an extra on the set of Pretty in Pink. Match up this retro trend with a nude lips, but go for a frosted mauve hue to make it look 80's authentic."

NO I swear you CAN'T wear blue eyeshadow!!!!

Do you know when you can wear blue eyeshadow? When you're dressing up on PURPOSE to make fun of the 80's, or if you're being SUPER dramatic and the blue is MAC's "electric eel" or something similar. Anything else... especially if it's FROSTY... is just heinous!!! RESIST the urge to dive into your mother's makeup bag!! I JUST got my mum to STOP using this crap, don't you DARE bring it back DM... I'll be soooo angry at you! Word to the wise, even if you DO decide to go with a "sheer and shimmery" blue... you will STILL look like a "Pretty in Pink" wannabe. Stop the madness, before the overteased bangs and acid washed jeans come back...please... only you can prevent the 80's regurgitation!!!

AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

Not if you tied me down like Gulliver.

My only avenue of reprieve here...is that

a) they only found 3 trends worth vomiting onto the interwebs and

b) the majority of the article comments are NEGATIVE and promise to shun the return of the 80's.

You haven't won yet, Daily Makeover...

This Week in High Fashion: I'm probably going to make some VFW enemies...

2009-11-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: I'm probably going to make some VFW enemies...

Yesterday at 2:55pm

This Week in High Fashion.... Makeup and Hair by Kat actually went to a fashion show...

That's right girls and boys, I ACTUALLY was present at a show that I'm going to rag about...

Hopped up on Advil Cold and Sinus and a few glasses of wine, my best guy on my arm, I attended something I thought I never would attend... Vancouver Fashion Week...

You may not know this about me, kids, but I have a little bit of a hate on for VFW. It's purely professional, and on behalf of a lot of friends and acquaintences... so we'll leave it at that. Solidarity.

BUT

What I do like about VFW is the support given to local, amazing designers who have something to prove and the guts to back it up.

Case and point... I shashayed my way to the front row of the "Sustainable Show" at VFW as a guest of one of my fave local lady entrepreneurs, Planet Claire... *muah!*

This is where I'm going to get in trouble...

From what I've seen... sustainable designers get a lot of press in Vancouver because it's trendy to be eco... and it can't be denied...

I've seen a lot of crap designing get where it shouldn't be because they decide to use soy cotton or bamboo or something similar... just because you used bamboo, doesn't mean the clothing isn't ugly or doesn't fit like a rag.

Luckily, there wasn't a lot of that on the runway on Friday night, but there were defintely some trainwrecks in the audience... I'm talking to you, you bitches who stole my seat! Not to mention the "house photographer" with his smelly self and long gross fingernails in my personal space during the show... I don't care who you are, stop standing on my new coat!

OK, so I have to say I was really impressed with the show on Friday night... the show being the stuff on the runway... the clothing mostly... the venue was MOST impressive, but like most people, I was pretty turned off by the area of town we had to sneak through to get there, and the generous appropriation of porta-potties for honoured VIP guests... Personally, I never would have approached a carpet manufacturer for a runway venue, but is this where VFW has been chased to in their operating years? To the far reaches of Gastown industrial parks with you!!! Now, I do see the nitty gritty value of hosting the show in the industrial park, I really do, this is Vancouver's seedy greasy gritty manufactured heart, but I don't know that everyone got that little nuance.

Having been backstage at several fashion shows, and helping organize some of my own, I know the importance of a good MC to keep the crowd, organized, updated, and sitting in their damn seats to be told who is about to come on stage... VFW doesn't feel that way about fashion... they had a soft spoken young woman politely asking people over a loudspeaker to shuffle around so that VIP's could be re-arranged between each show... which is also stupid.

a) no one can hear you!

b) no one wants to move from their prime seat! I know I was miffed.I won't even get started on the poor quality sound/music for the fashion walks. GAH.

Fashion walks!!

Featured Designers:

Nate Organics

I heart Nate Organics. Unpretentious and totally functional.

Bamboo, soy, organic cotton, and a really hot tattoed guy in bamboo boxer briefs...

Lots of casual wear, which is nice.... not everyone has the budget to go eco on a high scale level, but being able to pick up a t-shirt or a bamboo dress is a fantastic thing...

I can't say anything bad about Nate Organics... his models were sweet and very cute, right down to the awkwardly stomping farm boy looking Olympic Athelete who stole a mic to talk about his rowing team being carbon neutral for the Beijing Games... you're a rowing team, sparky, I would hope you'd be carbon neutral, last time I checked you didn't get an Evenrude on competition day...

Nate Organics doesn't try too hard to be a design house, he does what comes naturally, which is very appropriate... and very accessable, which is so important in a market that is supposed to be about making the planet a better place.

http://nateorganics.com/

Hawks Ave.

Another designer I totally love... I deeply adore the bad-assery of Hawks Ave...

Yes, everything looks like it's made of jersey fabric... but she WORKS it. It's rock 'n roll, it's dirty, and it's a little bit trashy... yes I said trashy. Gorgeously fitted tops with tiny tiny shorts and chucks, but as an artist, I was sorely unimpressed by the half-assed cut off denim half vests with "Hawks Ave" written on the back with a sloppy hand in Jiffy Marker!...

I love the native inspired prints, I love the reversible halter top cuts, I LOVE the cowl/hoodie dresses... I have never been a fan of leggings, half shirts or booty shorts... ever...

So I was 50-50 on Hawks Ave on Friday... half love, half complete shock that a model would slouch her way down the runway feigning attitude that was paired with dead runway eyes... not buying it... but I will buy the dress she was wearing, as long as it doesn't come with the mirrored desert cop shades and the cuts and bruises on the model's legs from her bender the night before. Yikes.

http://www.hawksave.ca/

Lav and Kush

I don't want to say that I was bored during this show... but I was.

I was also astounded that some of the pieces could look SO FREAKING GOOD from the front, and then so shamefully horrible from the back...

Lav and Kush is one of those design houses who IS trying to be a design house, which is great... organic wool, high quality cotton, stupidly expensive shapeless slip dresses... yeah... not my thing.

I LOVED a few suit pieces from the font, and then was amazed that a female designer would create such an unflattering backside on a skirt... pencil skirts are supposed to hug curves and enhance the shape... ruching makes things look BIGGER... ruching has NO PLACE on the centre-ass of a skirt. This is not a bustle mind you... a bustle is flattering... this arrangement was not... and it was on EVERY skirt... Not hot. Great pattern, great look... not hot on the ass.

Super shame.

Also, I was upset about the fit on the models... I don't know if it made the clothes look more awkward or whether it was on purpose (I hope not)... I know it's hard to fit a flat model ass, but there was a lot missing in that department too.

http://www.lavandkush.com/

Business in the front movie scream in the back.

Red Jade

Somewhere during the night, I heard over the loudspeaker that Red Jade's designer had been called "the Versace of Vancouver". I hope they weren't serious about that... I am curious as to how this is possible though.... Cut? No. Styling? No. Construction? No. Themes? Not that I could see. Price? AH! That may be it!

What did I see on the runway? Boring batwings, lots of white, inapropriate and dated mid-calf high waisted pedal pusher pants, mod 60's cuts... some shapeless dresses... some spectacular coats though... ooooh my the coats.

LOTS of Empire waisted dresses and tops too... which on models with no shape to speak of... is highly off-putting. I like to be able to imagine how the clothing on the runway would look on my ass, and it was just NOT happening for me at Red Jade.

BUT all negativity aside, I was astounded that I liked more Red Jade designs than any other runway walk, and they seemed to have a greater variety of styles and fabric pairings, although I'm sure my pocketbook won't be able to handle my Eco-conscious burden at this time.

I'd love to put some pictures up, but there don't seem to BE any... their website features none of the clothing from the show, and show pictures themselves are highly lacking, as are pictures from all of the other Eco deigners.

So, you'll have to take my word for it... from the second row closest to the runway with a photographer in my ear and another one in front of me blocking most of my view. Special thanks to the stage manager for sending them all scurrying back to the Media Pit at the end of the runway where they belong ; )

http://www.wearredjade.com/

All in all, I did have a good time... I love critiquing fashion, it's seriously fun. And really, I was intrigued to see who was actually coming out to these events... no one I recognized, but several people who obvoiusly felt that I should have recognized them... pppffttt. If that's how the "other half" lives... I'm very happy to be somewhere in the middle ground, I'm not ready for my niche/grave yet.

This Week in High Fashion~ What you see is what they're selling...

2009-11-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion~ What you see is what they're selling...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 3:18pm

This is an excellent article that I'm re-posting...

The growing versatility of the photo shop/lightroom tools are fast becoming a huge thorn in my side. As a makeup artist, I've been personally insulted by photographers who "prefer to work with a bare faced model and add makeup and enhancements with photoshop". I was totally floored by this statement. Photoshop is great, don’t get me wrong, I know that makeup can’t fix every flaw, and if you’re unfortunately shaped, even photoshop can’t give you an asset that you’re lacking. But seriously… I can see it all now, in a few short years there won’t even be a need for actual models for magazines…the images that “normal” women will break their banks and hearts to emulate will have been created in a dark basement by a computer geek who’s never even seen a real woman up close and personal… I’m not the most computer savvy girl, and I can appreciate the work that goes into photoshop (although if you’ve seen those Ralph Lauren ads, it’s some pretty half-assed pbotoshop… your body should NOT look like a funhouse mirror victim)… but the question is, why is it necessary? Whatever happened to “what you see is what you get”? It’s been seamlessly replaced with “what you see is what they’re selling”… and ladies, they’re selling you bullshit.

http://ethicist.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/should-photos-come-with-warning-labels/

This is a window display for Ralph Lauren in Australia... ladies, do you know ANYONE who looks like this who isn't hospitalized? This is NOT a normal body. Incidentally, the model featured in this fantabulously crappy ad was fired for "not adhering to her contract", I wonder if the actual reason was that she didn't really look like this poster in real life... tsk tsk model... false advertising yourself like that. But really... Kiss my ass RL

This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

2009-11-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

This Week in High Fashion: Flare wants you to look like a "Pretty Woman"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 1:41pm

Now I may just be bitter... but break-ups will do that to a girl.

I should really just stop this destructive behaviour... you know what I'm talking about... checking up on an ex to make sure that they're unhappy without you, that they still look the same, that you really dont' find them attractive anymore, that you really ARE better off without their unambitious ass, and that their new girl or guy is super heinously ugly or not at all as hot as you or has a lazy eye or something... well thankfully for me, I feel vindicated. Flare not only has lazy taste in runway trends, they also have really REALLY bad fashion advice for you.

Seriously.

Ladies, I know that as hard as I resist, the late 80's/early 90's are coming back...I know this. But you don't have to let it happen to you...friends don't let friends do this to themselves.

Don't deny it, this is what this trend reminds you of!!!

Case and point... over the knee boots...

Maybe I'm just a prude, but there is nothing about these boots that says to me "Now these boots belong to a classy lady".

It's just not the first thing that pops into my head...

But let's see what Flare has to say...

"The thigh-high boot, a footwear fixture on nearly every major fall runway, is undoubtedly the must-have accessory of the season. While there were some fabulously OTT pairs at Alexander McQueen and Louis Vuitton, scores of highly wearable pairs also stormed the catwalk. As always, finding the best fit, proportion, and look for your own personality and lifestyle is key to pulling it off."

I have an issue right away Flare... why is this a must have acessory? Are we expecting heavy snow? And if we are, is it going to be over the knee height anywhere but in the far reaches of Labrador and Newfoundland? And really, if it is, are the women who this is definitely a "must have" for going to be out stomping the sidewalk/catwalks in spindly heels to justify your claim??? I think not. But perhaps I'm taking you too literally Flare... like the time you said you'd try to cook dinner more often... and then you DIDN'T.

I also have an issue with your overused abbreviation of Over the Top. OTT is unecessary. Just stop embarassing yourself. OMFG her LWD was SO OTT I could hardly stand it... TTYN! *BARF*

Style Tip #1~ Maxi Meets Mini"

A great way to approach the thigh-high boot is to use it as a stand-in for opaque hosiery or leggings when sporting a short hemline.

"How about you just don't... how about you just wear tights so you don't get embarassed when you get to someone's house who is super uptight about their carpets and you have to take off your stand-in hoisery? Then what...? Unshaven winterized legs exposed for ALL to see. How embarassing Flare... this also reminds me in a highly obnoxious way of the current fugly trend of wearing tights and long baggy sweaters to cover the junk in your trunk... Just stop it. For the love of all that is holy and good. Stop it. You're not going to yoga, you've never been to yoga. Just. Stop.

It's winter... how about wearing some clothes??

Style Tip#2 ~ Winterize your Wardrobe

"Since they have more material than the average boot, the thigh-high is a true investment piece. However, it has major pay-off power by allowing you to transition out-of-season pieces into your fall wardrobe."

Styling tip: Zippers running up the back are great for easy on and off."

Wow... I guess the next thing I have to invest in is a pair of those pants that zip up all the way around. Practicality is key here.

Now when Flare says that you can transition out of season pieces into your wardrobe using the thigh high boot as a variable modifier... what they're really saying is that you DON'T have to let go of those super short shorts just because the sun has gone away... oh NO, Flare says you can do it right into November! I can't roll my eyes far enough back in my head... just because you saw it on the runway, doesn't mean you should do it in real life. Runway is not real life. You can try to make it real life Flare... but it looks silly. Case and point below... And again, how to combat the inevitability of going to someone's house and removing the fabulous boots... without the boots you suddenly become HORRENDOUSLY out of season!!!

*movie scream*

Shorts belong in summer...not fall...and no, thigh high boots do NOT make it ok.

Style Tip #3 ~Streetstyle vs Streetwalker

"In no way should this trend be a tribute to Pretty Woman. You want to look sophisticated and polished which means wearing beautifully tailored pieces and skipping add-ons like garter belts. "Wait a minute Flare... let me get this straight... it's NOT a tribute to Pretty Woman? I AM amused by this declaration. Because believe it or not, luxe fabrics like you're talking about... only make matters worse... Purple Crushed velvet is skanky, whether it's got a Hermes label on it or not.

You're not winning this one Flare... and no, you can't have the Corning Ware casserole dish back.

EEEEEEEEeeeeeew!

I don't know what I'm more offended by... the purple boots, the fabric of the said boots, the styling of the runway show itself or those horrendous lips and ratty hair.

GAH

Flare also SPECIFICALLY warns against adding garter belts...

But what if the boots come with them? WHAT THEN, FLARE?

I see builtin in garter belts!!!!

Style Tip #4 ~Thick vs Thin

Now I'm not sure how best to comment on this...

"If your legs tend to be fuller than you prefer, try a thin and closely fitted black leather boot like the one at Gucci. Top it with a long tunic or structured coat in a matching tone for streamlined effect. Thicker suedes and shearling linings will only add volume to your silhouette.

"Generally, I've found that if your legs tend to be fuller (read here "have some shape or muscle definition") that it's almost impossible to buy boots that even come close to reaching my knee, let alone my mid thigh... What I'm reading into this, and please, correct me if I'm wrong... but is Flare calling me fat? If I have the $$ to buy Gucci's boots and squeeze my "fuller" legs into them, I'm not going to cover them up with a long coat... I'm going to show those bitches off with a maxed out mini dress!!!! You're just JEALOUS, Flare!

Oh Gucci. I hate and love you.

And I'm sorry, I generally really really love Rodarte and everything they do... but WTF is up with these boots. It's like a bondage experiment gone horribly wrong... bondage leather can be hot or awkward... this is heinously awkward... nice try, but for $700+ for footwear, you can do better than that. And elephant grey isn't flattering on anyone but Dumbo.

AAAUUUGGGHHH

Rodarte usually has good taste. Usually being the operative word here. These just look stupid.

Flare, I'm so not done with you.

Some examples that Flare forgot... and I can't help but add in because I'm a vindictive little bitch...

This is NOT a new fashion trend...

This is so very old it's not even funny.

Boots in this style were the fashion RAGE in Louis XIII's France... Musketeers, Cyrano deBergerac... the giant tops of a cavalier's boots were often filled with love letters, flowers, ribbons from their many lady loves... a pistol or two, a knife, some extra snuff... it was like the murse of the Renaissance era. In a military age, the style was spilling into civilian dress in a huge way presenting a problem for regular French citizens who didn't know who was military and who wasn't...

French Cavalier boots!

Ooo La la!

Oh for the days when men wore higher heels than the women.

This Week in High Fashion: I Fight With Flare Again.

2009-10-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: I Fight With Flare Again.

Today at 12:43pm

Dear Flare Online Ragazine. The last time we spoke, I was calling you out... we exchanged some heated words, I said some things I probablay should regret, but I don't... and you just sat there in stony silence... almost begging me to say more horrid things to you...

I don't know what's become of our relationship, Flare. I don't know what to say to you lately... we seem to be drifting apart you and I... I'm hurt, I'm betrayed and I'm just flat out bored with you. That's right... bored bored bored. Not only did you publish that lacklustre review of Paris Fashion Week, but you continue to spew out articles and fashion/makeup advice that I wouldn't give to a style challenged hooker. Your exposee on the "Hottest Boot Trend EVER" (super tall Pretty Woman-esque boots) left me cold... I don't know what I want from our relationship anymore Flare. I thought I wanted to lean on you, that your years of fashion experience would help me grow and inspire me...but no.

Why am I so angry you ask? So disenchanted with you today? Its your half-ass attempt at picking 10 trends from Toronto's LG Fashion Week. Why didn't you just re-post your Top 10 Trends from Paris Fashion Week article? You highlighted the SAME THINGS.

I also have a problem with the fact that your display photos and examples for one, are hardly examples of what you're talking about and 2.... you quotes Sears and Joe Fresh as Fashion houses. I'm sorry Flare, and you can call me a snob if you want... but if I can see Joe's fashions in the same place that I buy my toilet paper... it's not fashion... it's Superstore.

Damn it all Flare, I'm tired of trying to reason with you... I've had enough of your excuses. Consider yourself dumped.

Flare's Top 10 Trends from Toronto Fashion Week

Trend #1~OTT Ruffles

Over The Top Ruffles? Really? Is that what you mean? I have to tell you Flare... ruffles have been in and out and in and out so many times that I don't even know if it can be called a trend any more.... it's more of a "how retro am I feeling today" kind of thing... which is fine. I'm actually not mad at you for this one. I'm mad at you because you listed Project Runway loser Jason Meyers as one of the inspired designers. That guy can't design his way out of a paper bag unless you put down a breadcrumb trail of gold lame or sequins.

*shudder*

OTT Ruffles @ Romona Keveza

Trend#2~Shoulder Focus

Aside from the fact that this is a recycled trend from the Paris Catwalks where equally hideous shoulder pads were featured, I highly doubt that reasonable women will buy into this crap.

Turn away from the shoulder pads!!! I can understand what's happening with this dress, I really can... Lucien Matis is another brilliant designer to come off of Project Runway... he loves women and designes beautiful things for them. I am mad at you, Flare for putting him in the same category as Sears.

Sholders @ Lucian Matis

Do I need to point out again that Spring = show more skin season...hence the need for less in the sleeve department...this is NOT rocket science.

Trend #3~LWD

Give me a freaking break Flare... that's your second recycling warning. The LWD "trend" will get the same reaction from me as it did in your Paris Top 10. It's SPRING. White Dresses are what people wear. STOP labelling annual occurrences as trendy things. It's like saying boots will be big this Fall... and Scarves will be in this Winter. OF COURSE THEY WILL BE!

Space Shoulders on a LWD!

Greta Constantine, you're soooo Ziggy Stardust.

Trend #4 ~ Sweet Nothings

Third warning, this is also recycled from Paris Top 10's, Flare... did you think I wouldn't notice??? While I appreciate your wilingness to find ways to justify your earlier article by backing it up with a Canadian content Top 10.... it's really starting to bug me.

And to top it all off... your example photo is a Joe Fresh creation. Available at a Superstore near you... don't forget to pick up some tinfoil while you're buying your underthings.

Joe Fresh
They' rein the aisle right by the baby formula and household appliances...watch out for the crazy lady at the end of the aisle who's talking to the brightly coloured rubber balls.

Trend #5 ~ Sport Billy

Number one issue here... I don't know what a Sport Billy is... that's Flare's title... not mine. The photo below... I'm not sure how this is a sporty look... is it an active fabric? Can I go to the gym in this? I love Evan Biddell... I've been Addicted to Biddell ever since he walked onto that stupid show with his stupid hair and basket woven silk... seriously. This looks like a lazy pantsuit to me... a catsuit without the cat part... it looks awkward and not at all sporty... except for the hood? Maybe? Does that make it sporty??

I'd still like to know how this is sporty.

I'd wear this on a camel riding expedition...or to the beach...

Evan Biddell

Trend #6 ~ Leather Love

I actually agree with this trend. Leather is hip... especially vegan, and recycled leather... I can see that becoming a trend with no issues whatsoever. Vawk did it amazingly last season... so why stop now. Although, I have to admit, I hate the colour of the leather in this example... and what's with all of the clothing lately being cut like we're all pregnant? Maybe it's just my imagination.

Pink Tartan

Also Flare...saying that leather looks for spring will be softer and lot more lightweight...is redundant. It is what it is.

Trend #7 ~ Solid Brights

*ahem* SPRING FASHION IS ABOUT BRIGHT COLOUR

So yes, Thank You Flare, for once again bringing the obvious to our attention.

This model looks about as impressed with designer David Dixon's colour choices as I do.

New trend for next spring!!! COLOUR!!!

Um...yeah...how about "tropical fruit colours" or something a little more exciting.

And is that space padding on the bottom of that dress? She looks like a stackable child's toy.

Trend #8 ~ Parachute Dresses

"Floor-skimming dresses that revealed gorgeous gams in the front and cascaded to the floor in the back were in full force showing Olivier Theyskens' Nina Ricci influence"

Greta Constantine

I still hate booties. Especially these ones because they're shiny silver lame.

Y'know, I remember a time when we made fun of Hollywood stars who wore dresses like this. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this new example is very beautiful and extremely sexy and feminine... but honestly, it's just an elongated bubble dress and in the back of my mind, I see Geena Davis.

I'm sorry Geena...you put up with months and months of ridicule and worset dressed lists, only to discover that you were so ahead of your time it wasn't even possible to believe it. I never thought I would see the day when you bubble headed fashion editors would say that this was a trend.

Trend #9 ~ Tulle Rosettes

I'm not even going to say anything more than this because I can't even spit it out I'm so offended by this "trend".

The model looks like she's ready for a tiny tutu's class.

And once again, available at a Superstore near you. You too can dress yourself right off of the runways of exotic Toronto for bargain prices and the local convenience of Superstore. High Fashion look, warehouse feel.

Joe Fresh

Give me a million breaks Toronto Fashion Week...was Superstore a corporate sponsor? Honestly...this is as horrible to me as seeing Isaak Mizrahi design for Fairweather.

Trend #10 ~ Warm vs Cool

This is recycled trend #4 Flare. I've had enough of your crap.

Spring is about colour... this is not a neutral... this is a pastel. Pastel is a colour shade/hue/feeling/entity. It is NOT a neutral. Beige is a neutral.

How about a 1920's trend?

I can't talk to you anymore Flare. We're through.

Lucian Matis

This is a 1920's trend.

This is not a neutral.

When did pastel/ice blue become a neutral? Was I asleep? What else did I miss?

This Week in High Fashion: Moscow can has Fashion!

2009-10-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Moscow can has Fashion!

Today at 10:28am

Who knew that I would be oddly excited for these photos to present themselves? I'll tell you who knew... Kiev Fashion Week knew. I've been totally blindsided by the awesomeness of the Eastern Bloc Fashion Weeks. The Iron Curtain has been replaced with a velvet one, and I'm so historically inaccurately happy about it.

Who was I shocked to see showing at Moscow fashion week? Thierry Mugler... that's who. Holy crap I was NOT expecting to see him there. Since he's most recently been dressing Beyonce's "I am, Sasha Fierce" tour, I was expecting him to turn up on the Paris runways... perhaps with some "single ladies" or other Terminator or Alien themed models.

Thierry Mugler sketches for Beyonce's stage costumes.

But, as usual, I digress.

Now lets get down to the borscht and vodka of the matter here... I loved the photos from Moscow Fashion week because the models were actually wearing makeup and looking like they ENJOYED their runway walk...and not like all they could think about was their next cigarette or half of a banana waiting backstage.

*jazz hands*

AND I also saw some NORMAL sized models... REAL, BEAUTIFUL, WOMEN on the catwalk, not flounced up little train wrecks with more bones showing than a rack of lamb trying to look sexy and ending up looking more like heroin addicts who got waylaid on their way to their dealer's apartment.

Normal sized models @ Anna Chistova and Marina Endourova

Alright! Runway breakdown time!!!

Natali Kvon --You make BEAUTIFUL clothes! I love it that Moscow Fashion Week designers seem to stick to the tried and true runway designer tradition of topping off their lines with a fabulous wedding dress or two.... I love these dresses. I'm definitely not a pouffy wedding dress girl, or a lavender girl... but for you Natali... I could be.

So pretty, I might have to get married again.

Models can smoke on the runway in Moscow???? How shocking!!! Love the hair too BTW.

Again...so pretty...this will be the dress for wedding #3

Elena Skakun -- OMFG where have you been all my life??? I don't know if this model is an Ice Queen, an old-style Russian bride or the subtle marriage of meringue and spun sugar, and I don't care one iota. I love this, it's impractical and completely stunning.

aauuuggghhhh!!! It's white, it's yellow, it's frothy, it's pouffy...and it's FABULOUS

I threw these two ladies in here because the bitches got flair, ok? I love me some runway pageantry...act like you ENJOY the clothes...show the people that they have MOVEMENT... at least attempt to look slightly human out there... and these girls DID IT. *clappity clappity*

Polish MMC Studio Design

Zolota Design Studio

WORK IT

Russian designer Valentin Yudashkin brought clean lines to the already dominantly flowy and feminine runways with simple dresses... but the ne ruined it all with a gross buttery orangey gold lame jacket with pouffy sleeves... am I the only one who hears carnival music? *sigh* Nice try... but bleh. I'm really fighting this return to the 80's crap... been there, done that... I have the pictures of me in neon and similarly embarassingly coloured work out/stretchy pants with crimped out hair... this does not need to return. EVER. Maybe I'm just prejudiced against pouffy sleeves... I was traumatized as a child. Thanks for bringing it all rushing back Valentin.

I. Loathe. Pouffy. Sleeves.

Linen pants are cool though, both literally and figuratively.

The jacket that ruined my fashion day.

Ah yes, Thierry Mugler... TM, you are a costume designer. We know. I love the formed bodices and space details... but you've been doing the space child thing for quite a while now... it's cool...but I'm getting a little bored... space child isn't exactly wearable in the everyday world... and WTF Thierry... is that BLUE EYESHADOW to the brow bone with RED LIPS that I see on your models??? I know it is Thierry! You can't lie to me!!!

Thierry Mugler likes his women moulded out of plastic. I also have to mention that I have a serious aversion to BOOTIES. They are NOT sexy.

I see blue eyeshadow, do you see blue eyehsadow?

As usual, I've saved my favorite for last... I love these chicks... hot hot hot hot. Russian designers Shumilo & Elagina served up crazy hair, crazy makeup, and crazy mix and match clothes that would have made Catwoman proud. Vinyl mixed with cotton mixed with macreme/crocheting mixed with some metal studs, mixed with some crazy yarn details on the shoulders?? You're a MESS and I LOVE IT. Not super crazy about the plastic bag looking catsuit... but we can work on that. Her hair is awesome.

FAVORITE HAIR EVER

SECOND FAVORITE HAIR EVERagain, not sure about the garbage bag material...but she's working it so I can't complain too much.

6 Deadly Historical Fashion Trends, just in time for Halloween...

2009-10-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

6 Deadly Historical Fashion Trends, just in time for Halloween...

Yesterday at 9:29am

Ghouls and Gobblies, I was sent the BEST article on fashion that I've ever seen yesterday... Mankind has suffered for fashion trends for thousands of years... braving the caves of giant bears to clothe our ancestral behinds, brass rings wrapped around the neck to protect against tiger maulings, high high high heels to destroy the foot while elongating and enhancing the leg, dancing en pointe... we put our bodies through some shit to look beautiful, don't we kiddies?

Trends have been around since before the before time in the long long ago... someone somewhere did something that someone inportant liked... and therefore everyone had to have it... regardless of the consequences.

Fashion to DIE for... LITERALLY.

Deadly Trend #6 --The Crinoline

Now a Crinoline may sound completely innocent, it's just a light fabric that gives a woman's skirts a little more shape than provided by nature... right?

WRONG-O

Historically, the crinoline is a birdcage shaped aparratus that was worn under skirts to not only give some extra added shape... but to also give a HUGE amount of exaggerated shape... making the waist look ultra slim and tiny, and the figure of the actual woman more dainty and decorative...

I'm not suprised by that either, it's also worth mentioning that these things were made of some odd stuff... wood, fabric, sometimes METAL...

Brings a new meaning to the phrase "the caged bird"

Now... why is this strange sounding thing considered a Deadly Fashion weapon?

Here's why...

I can't even make this sound more awesome, so I'll quote straight from the article.

"Because of its design, it [the crinoline] was quite susceptible to gusts of wind. There are tales of women on piers that were swept up and carried out to sea, where they promptly drowned due to having a fucking steel cage tied to their waists. It was also a bad idea to hang around cliffs or tall buildings in this sort of contraption."

Makes a trip to the seaside a little more thrilling...don't you think.

And that wasn't the only danger, the elongated hips of the crinoline presented a huge danger in knocking over candles, which sounds silly and clumsy, but was deadly for more than a few women who went up in flames or who were unable to exit a building because their skirts were too wide to get out the front door in a hurry...

"In 1863 in Santiago, Chile, between 2000 and 3000 people died in a church fire. When a gas lamp lit the veils on the walls, people tried to run outside, but the width of the women's skirts blocked the door, and crinolines with women inside piled up in front of the exit, making an escape impossible even for the people who'd been smart enough not to wear hoop skirts.

" Deadly Trend #5 ~ The Corset

Now, I for one, am a corset lover... they give a shape like no other and there is nothing sexier than a woman who wears a corset like it's her second skin...

BUT

There is a line to be drawn... corsetry as body modification is a very interesting topic... some people went through and currently go through some very high extremes to achieve the ideal waist size.

Historically, "the result was not so much an hourglass figure, but a body that became an actual hourglass. Queen Maud of Norway was famous for her very small waistline, and many of her gowns are still exhibited so everyone can view their beauty and not-at-all freakishness."

Queen Maud and her tiny tiny waist.

So how is this "deadly"?

The act of donning a corset didn't actually become truly dangerous until people started tight lacing them to the point that ones internal organs were essentially all shoved downwards (which could cause internal bleeding which was deadly in that time period), the ribcage compressed or sometimes broken over time, and the lungs constricted.

The results of tight lacing...an attractively heaving bosom, and a crushed body cavity.

Hence, that MARVELOUS Victorian invention... the heaving bosom... and fainting feminine violets... too delicate for the world of men. I would be too if I couldn't speak without gasping.

Not to mention, "in 1903, a woman died suddenly due to two pieces of corset steel that became lodged in her heart. Yeah, when your outfit fucking stabs you to death, it's probably a sign that you've made a bad fashion decision."

Touche Deadly Trend #4 ~ Footbinding

Footbinding.

Beautiful shoes represented tiny feet, which were as much a part of the marriage negotiations as the lineage and wealth of the prospective bride.

Ah yes...footbinding. Han Chinese nobles were inflicting this body modification on their female children hundreds of years before the advent of the corset...

Sometime in the 8th century, "it began with one concubine dancing around in front of the emperor with silk wrapped around her feet, and it ended with women whose feet were so disfigured they could only walk very short distances.

" The Golden Lilly feet were highly prized in ancient China, the smaller the foot of the prospective bride, the higher the bride price, and the better the marriage, bringing honour to the family and the prospective owner of the tiny footed bride. Prospective brides would send their intended husbands and mothers-in-law pairs of their tiny shoes...the finacee could see and fantasize about how small and pefect the feet of his potential bride would be, and the mother-in-law could judge her prospective daughter's skill in sewing, embroidery, and taste... important things for a young girl who wouldn't be moving much farther than her suites of rooms in her new household.

And yes, they were a sexual tool... and enhancement if you will. Husbands sought out the smallest and most finely shaped Golden Lillies for their enjoyment in the bedroom... I'll let you use your imaginations with that little tidbit... but suffice to say, that a foot fetish is heavily implied here.

Now, why was it a Deadly practice?

Not only were women willingly breaking the tiny bones of their daughters' feet... oh no...

"In order to transform the foot from regular-shaped to crazy-in-the-head-shaped, women started early, at two to seven-years-old, when their feet were soft and the bones still forming. First, their feet would soak in a bath that could be anything from herbs and water to urine and vinegar, depending on the family tradition. Then all their toes except the big one were folded down, and the arch of the foot bent back. The process would go on for a couple of years, with ever tighter bandages and recurrently disgusting foot baths, until the feet were about three inches long.

Footbinding cut off circulation in the toes, and the procedure oftentimes lead to gangrene or other life-threatening infections. Gangrenous toes were actually considered to be a good thing, because that meant the toes might fall off. The ideal was a foot that wasn't a foot at all, but simply a continuation of the leg."

The results.Broken toes and arch.

Death by blood poisoning or infection was common, as were other injuries relating to the breaking of the bones of the toes and foot arch. A lucky woman survived the process with tiny feet, measureing 2-4 inches long in ideal cases. An unlucky woman would have larger or imperfectly shaped lillies, which would erase her possibilities for a noble marriage and more than likely she would be one of the unlucky women who would have to do manual labour while tottering around on eternally broken feet.

"Women who didn't have bound feet were considered to be provincial, because only farmers needed to be able to walk and get work done. A real lady staggered on her heels or rode piggyback, because she was unable to put any pressure on her toes (if she had any)."

Foot binding x-rays, I like my flat peasant feet.

Deadly Trend #3 ~ The Fontage

The fontage began like footbinding, as simply the fault of a woman trying to catch the eye of the man in charge...

In 17th Century France, "Angelique de Fontanges, lost her cap one day when she was out riding horses with the king. Not wanting to let her hair fall freely - as that might be dangerous - she took a piece of ribbon and tied it to her hair.

The king liked it so much that he made de Fontanges a duchess, and because all of France's women wanted to be just as cool as the duchess a fashion trend was born."

The Fontage...how spectacular....and probablay nice and warm too.

Now this sounds really simple...women put crap in their hair all the time...

But the french women made it a serious business...graduating from simple ribbons to huge constructions on their heads.

Why is this a Deadly trend?

Like most things put on the head, Fontage's were constructed of light materials... unfortunately, light = flammable... and in a time where most of the lighting provided at balls, parties, dinners, etc where these contraptions would be worn, was all provided by CANDLES...you can imagine the carnage...

"They might as well have been wearing gasoline soaked rags on their heads.

Just ask "Mrs. Von Ilten" who suffered "... burnt neck, face and hands" because, as the reporter casually stated, "her fontange caught fire, she stared and fell and did not think to throw it off as I use to do..." "

Deadly Trend #2 ~ Lead Based Makeup

As a makeup artist... and as a History major... I've heard all kinds of stories and done all kinds of research about the crap that women have put on their faces over the centuries to make them beautiful. A Crocodile poop and clay mixture called Crocodilea was popular in Roman Egypt, nightingale poop cream for a Geisha's makeup prep... I'm sensing a poop theme.... Lead based makeup was used extremely often... from ancient times right up to the 1920's. What did it do? Well it bleached your face of course! How else did you think that Elizabeth I got that ghostly deified glow?

Lead based makeup gave Lizzy I her Madonna-esque dead-white glow.

How is it Deadly?

Lead poisoning is a slow killer... mostly succee in driving it's victims crazy with brain deterioration before inevitable death.

"In 1760, Marie Gunning, an Irish noblewoman who was famous for her beauty and white porcelain skin, became the first documented victim of cosmetic lead poisoning. You'd think that'd be enough to get people to change their cosmetics habits, but only seven years later the actress Kitty Fisher joined Gunning in the ranks of the perpetually pale. Finally, in 1878, Madame Rachel, a woman who'd made a living from selling the deadly cosmetics died from exposure to the lead in her own makeup. Irony is a bitch, Madame.

" Deady Trend #1 ~The Stiff High Collar

Just when you thought women got all of the bad fashion ideas... here's one for the fella's. We're talking about the specific kind of high detachable collar that was especially popular in the 19th century, Pride and Prejudice type era. The collar was always white and was fastened to the dandy's shirt with metal studs.

How was this manly contraption Deadly?

"The detachable collar was a quiet, subtle assassin. By cutting off circulation, it could creep up on a man in his drunken sleep and choke him to death when the man's head fell forward. It could also cause asphyxia and an abscess on the brain just by being tight, or in cases of indigestion that lead to the neck swelling it would simply strangle its prey. One very unlucky man at the end of the 1800s was almost guillotined on his collar when he tripped coming out of a street car.

" You have to remember here that this was a time of uptight propriety (which is odd considering how often the stiffness of the collars was likened to the virility of the man wearing it... a wilted collar was most shameful)... and of corpulent men eating large amounts of salty food and continuously toasting the health of the Queen... so there was lots of drunken card games, gout, and falling asleep in overstuffed wing chairs in the Gentleman's Club.

The original popped collar, G.

If only the popped collars of today were so deadly (you have to admit, they're annoyingly similar)... life would be so much simpler and so less full of retarded guys in too tight shirts.

This Week in High Fashion: Kiss Me, Kiev!!

2009-10-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Kiss Me, Kiev!!

Yesterday at 2:13pm

Oh yes, lovlies... that's right... the Ukraine has a Fashion Week...

I'm sure you'll be as stunned as I am that it's not full of furs, hoods, brightly patterned headscarves and wollen underthings... NO! Kiev Fashion week is STYLISH.... and wonder of all wonders, when even Paris let me down... I see MAKEUP at Kiev Fashion Week... like FACEPAINT type makeup...

I'm almost giddy! I know what you're thinking... Kiev isn't Paris... it's not even Moscow... but you know what darlings... it's a start. If the Eastern Bloc can put fun makeup on it's models again, why shuoldn't it happen in Milan and Paris soon... tell me it will all be ok... that I'll see avant garde makeup strutting the haute runways again... I know it will happen... Kiev helps me keep the hope alive.

This way to the Runway Porn!

Liliya Litkovskaya I love what you did to this poor model... she's trapped in your garment, and she still manages to look fabulous. I love jackets... and this one is awesome... elbow details beat shoulder details ANY day.

I think the opening is here... oh wait, maybe not...oh gosh, my hair is stuck now... honey....! Help!

Julia Aysina --I don't know why you decided to turn filmy 70's nightgowns into catsuits and dresses Julia, I really don't...but you have gold flakes on your models faces...so I love you anyway.

You flip your high ponytail, Miss Thang... you have gold on your face... *snap snap*

Georgian designer Avtandil Tskvitinidze has made some beautifully feminine pieces for this runway showing... soft colours, not so subtle flowers, slightly costumey and stereotypically soft and gentle... and top top it all off.... a boring BARE FACED MODEL!

Okokok... I see some eyeliner there... but really she's just wearing bronzer... that's not fair.

Look how feminine and pretty and boring I am...

Ah yes.... Elena Burenina---WTF is going on here. I though we left fully covered faces to the walk of shame that is Barcelona Fashion Week... It's a bondage robbery on the runway folks... hide your valuables and hosiery... Aside from that weirdness, check out those shoulders... yikes... someone looks like a paper doll cut-out, and it's not just my imagination... this outfit kind of reminds me of Alsatia from Toys wearing her clip on clothes. You be the judge, but the tabs on the shoulders are so doing it for me.

To Burenina's credit though... we have the FACEPAINT! I was SO not ready for that mess. It's awesome, don't get me wrong, but I don't know how it fits with the theme of the show... the model still looks like she's been tied into the garment and turned into a giant bow... facepaint = awesome... but probablay not in this instance. Points for effort, Elena... but not very many.

Nota Bene & Irina Karavay -- I'm only mentioning you because you redeem your heinously boring runway makeup with beauty marks... but that is all... your garments are a little messy looking (unfinished to be perfectly Project Runway about it)... and I"m not sure what's going on with that patchwork necklace.

Larisa Lobanova makes pretty, whimsical things... lightly reminiscent of tie-dye... but overall, I can't complain too hard. I also see facepaint here... it's also oddly mismatched to the collection, but again I'm giving out points for effort merely on the understanding that they will try harder next time... yes the paint matches the garment...but it doesn't mean it belongs there...

Christina Bobkova = neon colours, shimmery stretchy skintight fabric and wierdness in the hair department... I'm not sure if putting these all together to make a look and a collection is a good thing, but she's trying it... hard.

Stretchy shiny tight fabric doesn't look good on ANYONE, even railroad tie thin models from Eastern Europe...

Olena Vorozhbyt and Tetyana Zemskova --I saved my favorites for last... love the hair, love the clothes, there's even makeup to be found on those pretty shiny faces...

This Week in High Fashion: Japan Fashion Week ~ Ahead of the Curve...I think...

2009-10-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

This Week in High Fashion: Japan Fashion Week ~ Ahead of the Curve...I think...

Mon at 11:32am

Ooooohi-o!

Did you know that Japan had a Fashion Week? I didn't know that Japan had a Fashion Week.... I'm happy that Japan has a Fashion Week. Why? Well, to tell you the truth dearests, I'm not sure... perhaps I was expecting an endless parade of Hello Kitty themed socks and underpants, a Lolita flood, or some manga inspired neo-space-samurai fashion... but no... what I see from the photos, is spectacularly none of these things... although, lets be frank about this, I was highly disappointed by the lack of Hello Kitty aparrel.

Japan's runways were remarkably European looking this Fashion Week... especially where makeup is concerned, barefaced models, and some red lips... overall, pretty... and pretty bland.

From the photos I've seen... crazy hats and head adornments seem to be the order of the day...with headgear so fabulous, who cares if you can see where you're going!!

This way to the Runway Porn!

Aya Furuhashi is so next level I have no idea what to say about her show.... especially the set decoration... it looks like my bedroom circa 1997. Maybe I'm just not getting it, Aya... are you making a witty commentary on the garment industry and the knowledge that your creations will at some point end up on someone's floor? I'm missing something. I like the yarn/rolled up scarf hat though... that's pretty sweet.

There's some silly string in your hair, darling... let me get that for you... oh... that's supposed to be there? Oh... ok. Nice Napoleon hat btw...

This just in, Mint doesn't want you to see where you are going, model... just walk and hope for the best.

I'm sorry, Mint Designs, this looks like a sailor's mistress' frilly undergarment that has been stretched around some poorly bent wire... I don't know if you're trying to be ironic, nautical, Micky Mouse Club for Pussycat Doll supporters, or what... Love the porcelaine skin on the model, hate the boring red lips and boring hair.

You too can use a pillowcase as headwear... just ask Mint Designs.

Hello, Kitty! I knew you were hiding somewhere you little minx.

Toshikazu Iwaya...... um..... I'm not quite sure what to say about you... I don't know whether to applaud your use of iconic American images screenprinted onto tank dresses... or ask you for gift wrapping advice. I can only imagine how that hat sounds as the model is prancing up the catwalk. The sonic boom of crackling cello wrap echoing down the arcade with every stomping step...

I also see bare faced model. Pinky red lips don't count Toshi...

My favorite segment of Japan Fashion week thus far has to be this designer...

Junya Tashiro and his parade of White Queens. I love love love all of the white wigs, fancy delicate crowns, and generally gorgeous collection that flounced down the Tokyo catwalk.... Elegant, sparkly, ethereal, a little odd... and everything that I could possibly want from a Japan Fashion Week designer.

Makeup Trend Advice By Kat: "Don't you DARE put that on your face!"

2009-10-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Makeup Trend Advice By Kat: "Don't you DARE put that on your face!"

Yesterday at 12:34pm

As the world of High Fashion Weeks fades away into a cocktail dimmed memory, we can no longer depend on the whimsical (or otherwise nonsensical) fashion trends of the lovelier months to come... so instead, we have to think about WTF is happening to the weather, and how best to protect ourselves from its heinousness, and yet to outwardly appear at home and seasonally appropriate in our makeup choices.

Now every girl knows that light colours = spring and summer and dark colours = fall/winter Apparently Redbook magazine thinks we're retarded, ladies.

Here are the new makeup trends for Fall 2009 (according to Redbook Magazine)... shockingly, they're very similar to the suggestions for last year around this time... and every year really. Don't be fooled, ladies! Annual occurrences are NOT trends... at least in my mind.

Fall is my favorite makeup season Redbook... I will NOT let you ruin it for me!!

Trend #1

PURPLE REIGN

Oh look... jewel tones.

Now I admit, redbook does give good advice... sometimes.

"Wear the plum lip as if it were a statement necklace - Let your mouth be the main course and keep eyes light and lashy." --ok this is totally valid... if super boring. It's a cardinal rule of makeup that unless you're trolling for dates or sacrifice victims, dark eye makeup does not go with dark lipstick. Shockingly, as I'm sure I've recorded in other rants, this is following the runway trend of bare faces and dark lips. I am NOT letting redbook take the credit for this one. Plum is also a good valid choice... but purple isn't for everyone!!! Blue toned purples for tanned/darker toned skins, pinky purples for Snow White and crew.

But, if you're like me and hate following trends... try something neutral and transfer the purple to your eyes... especially you brown and green eyed vixens! Dark plum makes those yeux POP.

PURPLE LIPS!!!!

You can pick up this shade anywhere... don't listen to Redbook, you don't have to go to the alter of Holt Renfrew to achieve this. If you've never worked purple before... start small... a tinted lipgloss is waaay less commitment oriented than lipstick tends to be... test it out and work your way up to plum madness.

Trend #2

NUDE FACES

AAAUUUGGGHHHH

"Use muted taupes and browns on eyes to create definition. For the rest of the face, stick to classic nudes: terra-cotta, peach, and pink.

"Ok Redbook... how is this a "Hot Trend"??? This is typically a look that I reserve for brides who want to look like a more classic version of themselves, or those precious beauties who don't wear very much makeup. The "no makeup look" does require makeup... I know... it's horrible. If this is what you want to go for and you're not used to layering on the foundation and powder and highlighter and contouring... go with mineral makeup like the BodyShop line... it's super light and has its own highlights so you don't have to worry about looking like a dusty pancake.You can use blush, but it's not necessary... especially with how effing nippy it is outside, your cheeks will be rosy in NOTIME.

Pinks, browns, taupes... are ALL neutrals and are a basic recommendation for Fall. It's brown outside, why shouldn't your makeup be brown. UG! I personally HATE blending in. SO if you want to blend in with the moulting trees, be my guest... I will be rocking some dark greens, burnt oranges, deep gold and yellow and red highlights. But I'm just mad at Redbook right now.

Boring face!

AUGH

BARE FACE

Yes, this is a classic natural look.

Yes you can blend in with this look.

Yes, you probably have all of the components of this look in your makeup bag already... but where's the fun in that?? Fall is awesome, why be drab?

Trend #3

BLUE

"A smoky eye in rich, metallic blue is an instant drama-booster."

I'm sorry.... what? It's a drama booster because unless you happen to have blue eyes... everyone will be wondering why you plundered your mother's makeup bag leftovers... perhaps my mother will lend me her navy blue eye pencil too! How exciting, Redbook! Thank you for bringing back the blue we were all aching for!!!

OH and I can't forget this little gem... suggested by Redbook's resident makeup Artist: "work with two to four shades of blue. It keeps the effect from looking too flat and retro. "No no, it still looks retro... and slightly trashy. And he recommends shimmer... I can't even talk about that right now.

Yes ladies, blue is tarty. Highly tarty. There is SUCH a fine line between looking punched in the face, Dante's Peak and classy that it's just too much to recommend this to anyone applying their own stuff...

My rule... keep it simple. Use 3 shades. Light, medium, dark. And NOT blue.

For Fall, I personally recommend dark browns... and if you need to go with a metallic shade, copper and bronze are the way to go. Chocolate and mink browns look great on every eye colour (including brown) and they are easily paired with peaches and taupes to make the smokey eye Redbook is talking about. Don't fall prey to the blue!!! Unless you want to inspire your mother break out her trio of Mary Kay shades and colour drape swatches... but again, lovelies... that's just my humble opinion. ;)

The actual article.

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